Tuesday 12 January 2010

The Spider-Man Reboot: The Incredible Suit Exclusive

Like Quantum, The Incredible Suit has people everywhere. News reaches me today from my Hollywood spies of this conversation, which took place at the headquarters of Sony Pictures yesterday between Sam Raimi, director of two great Spider-Man movies (and Spider-Man 3) and the head of Sony, a retarded monkey:

Sam Raimi: "Well, I’ve confirmed Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst for Spider-Man 4, and I’ve secured John Malkovich to play The Vulture, so it looks like I might be able to atone for the last one and make another great movie!"

Retarded Monkey: "OO! OO! OO!"

Sam Raimi: "Quite. The only thing is, I won’t have it ready for next summer like you wanted. It’ll take another year to do it properly because these things take time."

Retarded Monkey: "AA! AA!"

Sam Raimi: "Indeed. Well we rushed Spider-Man 3, and you made me cram too many villains in, and look what happened there."

Retarded Monkey squeezes out a huge poo on the desk.

Sam Raimi: "I’m sorry you feel that way, but what with my excellent track record as an innovative director capable of handling massive action sequences and nuanced emotional drama who’s made 2.5 billion dollars for this studio, I think you’ll agree I know what I’m doing."

Retarded Monkey flings some of the poo at the wall.

Retarded Monkey: "EEK! EEK! OO! OO! AA!"

Sam Raimi: "What? You want to get rid of me and all the actors and start the franchise again with a completely different bunch of people and call it a reboot and put it out only five years after the last film and the script’s already written and it’s 'gritty' even though the comic was all about fun and bright colours and people don’t want a 'gritty' Spider-Man when they’ve got Batman, Bond and Potter all mooching about in huge piles of grit and could I close the door on the way out? Are you some kind of retarded monkey?"

Retarded Monkey eats the rest of the poo.

Sam Raimi: "Right you are. Good luck with that. I’m sure the audience can’t wait to see Zac Efron as Peter Parker and sit through another origin story."

Retarded Monkey: "OO! OO! Do you have McG’s phone number?"

Sam Raimi leaves to make billions of dollars for another studio.

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  1. That is, like, the grossest video I have ever seen, like, EVER!

  2. You should see my wedding video, ho ho ho... hang on, are you who I think you are?