Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Jonathan Ross Does Something Useful

It looks like all that time I spent praying, self-flagellating and offering human sacrifices to the gods of justice and common sense has finally paid off, as Jonathan Ross has at last decided to leave the BBC, leaving behind a gargantuan vacuum where his colossal ego and titanic self-importance used to be.

As this is a film blog (not that you can tell thanks to the vast tracts of cabbage you have to wade through to locate any coherent discussion on the nature of cinema as an art form), I won’t go on about Ross’ awful Friday night chat show onto which he invites major celebrities to talk about himself, except to say that it is one of the biggest reasons why I haven’t watched the BBC’s weekly 'Film' programme since the peerless legend that is Barry Norman left in a puff of knitted sweaters.

I realise that Jonathan ‘Friday Night With Jonathan Ross’ Ross is a different beast to Jonathan ‘Film whatever year it is’ Ross, but the former drove me so far up the wall and over the other side that I only watched the latter if there was a new Bond film, and even then through gritted eyes and with a steady stream of antipsychotic medication coursing through my veins. I’m not alone; a survey of everyone in the world, commissioned exclusively by The Incredible Suit, resulted in this graph, which clearly demonstrates the fluctuation in quality of the programme since it began in 1971. It should be noted that Ross took over from Barry Norman in 1999.

So the big question, apparently, is who will replace Ross in his weekly digest of movie mutterings. A cursory riffle through the internets throws up several names - husky saucecake Mariella Frostrup, annoyingly-hairstyled James King, godlike genius Charlie Brooker and staggeringly-bequiffed legend Mark Kermode being just the most tediously obvious. Personally I will only be happy if one of the following three suggestions are taken up by the BBC:
  • Barry Norman
  • The chap who tried to sell me double glazing who spent more time talking about films than windows and has excellent taste in Bond movies
  • The Incredible Suit
Now when I say The Incredible Suit, obviously I have no intention of coming out from underneath my blog blanket and appearing in person. That would be horrifying for everyone. But I do believe that televising this website for an hour each week would not just be a massive leap in broadcasting innovation, but a triumph for education, information and entertainment, the very principles on which the Beeb was founded.

Fortunately somebody of excellent judgement* has already set up a Facebook group to campaign for The Incredible Suit as Ross’ replacement. If you too believe it’s the only way forward, please join the cause and tell all your friends. Together we can restore balance to the force.

(if that doesn't work just search Facebook Groups for The Incredible Suit)

*Obviously it was me

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