The Jameson Empire Awards 2010

So the nominations are in for the Empire Awards, which The Incredible Suit is not legally obliged to call the Jameson Empire Awards as this blog is not funded by Jameson. It is, however, powered largely by 7-year-old Cuban Legendario Rum, and I would be more than happy to rename it The Legendario Suit if a crate were to mysteriously plop through my letterbox one day.

Anyway, it's customary for us all to fly into an apopleptic rage upon the announcement of award winners because, for some reason, our favourites didn't win. This is one of the many reasons why The Incredible Suit hates award ceremonies. However they do say you can't complain if you didn't vote, so pausing briefly to say DAMN YOUR EYES BORIS JOHNSON, I can safely say that I shall be voting in the Empire Awards in order to allow myself ample spleen-venting opportunities come back-slapping night.

Last year I dutifully voted, then forgot what I'd voted for, so I didn't know whether to be cross or not at the results. This year I'm going to write them down in blogular format so they're there for all to see and I can know for definite whether to be fumingly incandescent or smugly superior.

So:

Best Newcomer

Sharlto Copley (District 9)

Utterly convincing as annoying wazzock turned tragic loser.
Would therefore play me in a film of my life.

Best Thriller

Harry Brown

There had better be a bloody good reason
why Mesrine wasn't nominated.

Best Horror

Let The Right One In

The only one on the list I've seen. Horror films scare me.

Best Comedy

In The Loop

Surely Up was a comedy?

Best Sci Fi / Fantasy

Star Trek

For some reason Avatar is on this list.

Best Actor

Michael Caine (Harry Brown)

There is no point nominating anyone else in this category.

Best Actress

Melanie Laurent (Inglourious Basterds)

I suppose.

Best Director

Neill Blomkamp (District 9)

You could make ten District 9s for the
amount it cost to make Avatar. Think on.

Best British Film

Harry Brown

Although the second half was daft.

Best Film

Star Trek

Let The Right One In, Empire's best film of 2009,
not nominated. Explain please.

I realise this makes it look like I thought Harry Brown was the best thing since ladies' jumper bumpers, but I can assure you that's not the case. Although the first half of it was 100% Cainetacular.

So roll on whenever it is the winners are announced, I'm jiggered if I can find the date anywhere on the internets. Bit of an oversight on Empire's part there I suggest.

Mmmmmm.

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Good News For Ewok Percussionists

The Endor Drum Shop is now open for business!

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Last Exit To Nowhere

I can't believe I've been writing this sack of sprouts for eight months now and I still haven't plugged Last Exit To Nowhere.

Some of you will be living in a wonderful, happy place where you already know about LETN and their galactically humungous range of geeksplasmic t-shirts, hoodies and caps, in which case carry on as normal and go and buy some more.

For those poor, pitiful souls sploshing about in a filthy, squalid pit of ignorance and hopelessness, Last Exit To Nowhere make the greatest clothes known to geekkind, and you should have already stopped reading this in order to go and buy at least four t-shirts.

Each design is based on a different film, but not in a "look at me, I'm wearing a Back To The Future poster on my flabby guts" kind of way. The shirts are based on subtle elements from within the films; so subtle that only your fellow geek will know what you're saying with your sartorial choices. So if you know that Hill Valley High School is where Marty McFly consistently turned up late because he was blowing up Doc Brown's gaff with a comically tiny guitar, you'll spot your fellow BTTF-freak a mile off when you see them in this baby:

The Incredible Suit has purchased no less than five t-shirts from these agents of awe-inspiring apparel, and suggests you do the same. It's like having a secret handshake only without all that unhygienic handshaking business. I look forward to the day when it's possible to buy a pair of Universal Exports underpants, but until then, may Last Exit To Nowhere keep up the good work and may you click here now and dress yourselves properly for a change you scruffy buggers.

***STOP INTERNET EQUIVALENT OF PRESS***

Last Exit To Nowhere have just announced this as their next masterwork, in case you wondered what to buy me to thank me for all the free entertainment I've given you:

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The Incredible Suit's 30-Minute Freeze-Frame Challenge #6: North By Northwest

The 30-Minute Freeze-Frame Challenge is a futile, inane experiment which judges a film's merits entirely on how good it looks at 30-minute intervals according to arbitrary and indistinct criteria applied by The Incredible Suit. For previous challenges, click the links on the right.

Ploughing on through the slings and arrows of outrageous but entirely justifiable criticism, the 30MFFC arrives this week, battered, bruised but undaunted, at a landmark film in its history.

The Incredible Suit viewer Andrew Didn'tgivehislastname suggested that The Undisputed Greatest Director Of All Time, Sir Alfred Hitchcock, should have one of his films tested to see if it passes the ultimate challenge. And why not; his films have topped nearly every other poll or award ceremony going (except the Oscars, but what do they know) - what's left to conquer for the great man but the 30MFFC?

So I plumped for North By Northwest. Not because it's my favourite Hitchcock (it's my third favourite) but because it's the film that I first watched and thought: every frame of this movie is perfect. The seeds of the 30-Minute-Freeze-Frame Challenge were sown. Years later, with a pointless chunderbag of a blog in which to spew all my brain-vomit, I finally have a chance to test my theory.

And with that unpleasant metaphor fresh in our minds, let us begin:

0:30:00 Here's Roger Thornhill and his mum looking like they've eaten an old kebab they found down the back of the sofa. Cary Grant + Technicolor = Bronze God.

1:00:00 Having sold Rodge his clothes for a few lousy bucks, this porter can finally buy some new long johns. Old man in underwear + Technicolor = Great-looking old man in underwear.

1:30:00 Here's Roger being politely asked to leave the auction house. Note how carefully Hitchcock positions his actors, even in a fast-moving shot. He doesn't just throw this stuff together you know. Unlike me.

2:00:00 Here's a tiny matchbook that you can hardly see playing a massively crucial role in a nail-bitingly tense scene. This could well be the greatest shot the 30MFFC has seen.

Result:

The Master proves his worth, becoming only the second director in the history of time to have a film pass the 30-Minute Freeze-Frame Challenge. I ummed and aahed a bit to be honest, what with the second shot being a semi-naked senior citizen and the third being a bit blurry, but that Technicolor sheen could make Shia LaBeouf almost watchable, so in the end it had to be a pass.

There's a big list of suggestions for future 30MFFCs, and I'll do them all if I can get hold of them. However despite my palpably encyclopaedic knowledge of all cinematic output ever, I don't actually own every DVD ever released. What I'm saying is keep bunging your ideas at me but don't leap under a bus if I don't feature your choice. In the meantime, bung away!

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Greatest Empire Magazine Cover, Like, Ever

Why? Because:

• It hasn't got a load of waffly words all over it
• It's a Drew Struzan masterpiece, as recently featured on The Incredible Suit here
• It demonstrates how rubbish 2010 is by being a more exciting cover than any others in recent memory
• It's not plugging an almost-certainly-3-star film months in advance of its release
• It's BACK TO THE FUTURE!

The Incredible Suit: clinging on to the past, hating the present and fearing the future so you don't have to.

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The BAFTAs 2010

It may have passed you by like a monotonous, snoozed-up dullfest of tedium, but the BAFTAs happened the other day. Here's The Incredible Suit's typically punctual trademark enthusiastic response.

Reasons Why The Incredible Suit Hates Movie Awards Ceremonies #4:

If I had spent my life and career training and working my way up the ladder to become a world-class leading figure in a field such as cinematography, music composition or editing, I certainly wouldn't want to have more than a few seconds devoted to my moment of glory. Not when there could be another shot of James Cameron wondering why he bothered to turn up.

Still, none of that was surprising. What was surprising was the future King of England thinking he was about to be orally serviced by a pensioner, on stage, in front of a live audience and a nation of TV viewers finally getting some entertainment after two hours of cabbage.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with a large axe at the Tower Of London.

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Ponyo

I watched Ponyo the other day, the new Crackers Patel Japanimation from legendary bonkers merchant Hayao Miyazaki. Before I bore you with my opinion of it, I need to bore you with a frothing rant.

Cineworld Enfield is driving me up the fricking wall with their cataclysmically poor standards of projection. In the middle of the trailers, the picture I was looking at decided it would rather I only saw the top half of it, and that the top half would look better at the bottom half of the screen. Everyone else in the auditorium thought that grumbling about it under their breath would be enough to sort the situation out but I decided to take action. So I mentioned it to an usher, who helpfully told me that "it happens sometimes, but sorts itself out when the film starts."

Obviously it didn't sort itself out when the film started. A projectionist sorted it out ten minutes into the film. This, combined with Cineworld Enfield's unfathomable decision not to mask off the edges of the screen when showing a film that doesn't fit its full width, meant that the beginning of Ponyo looked like this:

Even Miyazaki didn't intend his films to be that weird. Cineworld Enfield: Must try harder.

And, relax.

Ponyo was quite good. It wasn't as good as Spirited Away or Princess Mononoke but it was better than Howl's Moving Castle or My Neighbour Totoro. It was about as good as Laputa: Castle In The Sky. If you've got no idea what I'm on about you seriously need to educate yourself in the ancient art of Miyazakigami.

Ponyo's only problem for me, as a grumpy old codger, was that it was a bit too slight, aimed too much at a younger audience; it didn't probe the unsettling recesses of darkness that Spirited Away did. It did, however, look amazing. I'd try and describe the scenes where the sea comes alive and goes furiously mental all over the shop but you're better off watching it for yourself.

Best bit: If, like me, you love the armies of cute little critters Miyazaki shoves effortlessly into his films, like:

and:

then you're in luck! Because Ponyo has these things:

Anyone know where I can get one?

Final suspiciously-similar-font-related thought:

Just saying is all.

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Scream 4 Breaks Cardinal Rule

Quite excellent movie blog (i.e. better than this one) /Film have given us the catatonically dull news that Scream 4 begins filming this year. They illustrated their article with this picture, which I think they mocked up themselves:

They clearly haven't been reading The Incredible Suit enough. Or indeed at all. This blog explicitly forbids all replacement of letters with numerals in film sequel marketing, as clearly described in this post, which foolishly neglected to mention Scream 4.

Let's hope Wes Craven's reading this in his grubby, dank cellar where he cooks and eats puppies and does, ooh, other horrible things and then makes films about them.

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The Incredible Suit's Movie Heroes #1: Drew Struzan

Welcome to the first in a comically occasional series of posts about The Incredible Suit’s Movie Heroes. I’m hiring out that big room from the end of Star Wars and calling forward several legends to receive a blog-shaped medal from me as a thank you for being really quite ace. I have yet to decide whether or not to dress as Princess Leia.

The Incredible Suit’s Movie Heroes aren’t going to be the usual suspects. Much as I think Alfred Hitchcock, Steven Spielberg, Buster Keaton, Stanley Kubrick, Christopher Nolan, Harrison Ford, James Stewart, Jack Nicholson, Al Pacino, John Williams and so on are truly outstanding individuals in their respective fields, there have been mountains of keyboards worn out writing about them. I’m concentrating on less obvious people who’ve had a significant impact on my film-watching over the years; people whose talents are unique and whose work has been carefully and delicately fashioned so as to fit perfectly into that peculiar-shaped hole marked ‘things what I love’.

So without further ado, because god knows there’s been enough ado so far already, here’s my first Movie Hero: Drew Struzan, illustrator of some of the finest movie posters ever to seductively stroke your eyeballs while gripping your heart and shouting “This film is going to be bloody marvellous, just look at the poster!”, even though sometimes that was a lie (I’m looking at you, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull).

Mr Struzan’s work speaks for itself, so I’m going to shut the chuff up and let you pop a bib on and drool over some classic examples in peace. In theory, clicking on each picture should embigulate it so you can appreciate it in all its airbrushed glory, but I don't know if it works like that, I'm a novice with this new interweb thing.

But this is my absolute favourite of Drew Struzan's work, from Revenge Of The Jedi, before it had its balls lightsabred off and renamed Return Of The Jedi.

Further reading:
drewstruzan.com
Internet Movie Poster Awards: Drew Struzan
The Movie Posters Of Drew Struzan

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