Friday, 26 February 2010

The Jameson Empire Awards 2010

So the nominations are in for the Empire Awards, which The Incredible Suit is not legally obliged to call the Jameson Empire Awards as this blog is not funded by Jameson. It is, however, powered largely by 7-year-old Cuban Legendario Rum, and I would be more than happy to rename it The Legendario Suit if a crate were to mysteriously plop through my letterbox one day.

Anyway, it's customary for us all to fly into an apopleptic rage upon the announcement of award winners because, for some reason, our favourites didn't win. This is one of the many reasons why The Incredible Suit hates award ceremonies. However they do say you can't complain if you didn't vote, so pausing briefly to say DAMN YOUR EYES BORIS JOHNSON, I can safely say that I shall be voting in the Empire Awards in order to allow myself ample spleen-venting opportunities come back-slapping night.

Last year I dutifully voted, then forgot what I'd voted for, so I didn't know whether to be cross or not at the results. This year I'm going to write them down in blogular format so they're there for all to see and I can know for definite whether to be fumingly incandescent or smugly superior.

Best Newcomer
Sharlto Copley (District 9)
Utterly convincing as annoying wazzock turned tragic loser.
Would therefore play me in a film of my life.

Best Thriller
There had better be a bloody good reason
why Mesrine wasn't nominated.

Best Horror
The only one on the list I've seen. Horror films scare me.

Best Comedy
Surely Up was a comedy?

Best Sci Fi / Fantasy
For some reason Avatar is on this list.

Best Actor
Michael Caine (Harry Brown)
There is no point nominating anyone else in this category.

Best Actress
I suppose.

Best Director
Neill Blomkamp (District 9)
You could make ten District 9s for the
amount it cost to make Avatar. Think on.

Best British Film
Harry Brown
Although the second half was daft.

Best Film
Star Trek
Let The Right One In, Empire's best film of 2009,
not nominated. Explain please.

I realise this makes it look like I thought Harry Brown was the best thing since ladies' jumper bumpers, but I can assure you that's not the case. Although the first half of it was 100% Cainetacular.

So roll on whenever it is the winners are announced, I'm jiggered if I can find the date anywhere on the internets. Bit of an oversight on Empire's part there I suggest.


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  1. Mo'nique got best supporting actress BAFTA award for the title role in Precious. How daft is that. Imagine Elizabeth Taylor as best supporting actress in Cleopatra or Russell Crowe as best supporting actor in Gladiator or Charlton Heston as best supporting actor in Ben Hur! Mo'nique would not have known if she should spit or cry. In this traditon of folly The Incredible Suit wins the BLOGAR AWARD for the best blog in the blogosphere not in an intelligible language published in the hours of darkness using a Sinclair Z81.

  2. Michael Caine should have won a BAFTA award as best actor for 'Harry Brown'. He didn't get to round two. I'm sure the cockney legend should win a Legendario.

    Perhaps there should be a Pompous Ass Award for the film critic most out of touch with audiences. It is the most bums on seats that is the real and only true test of the worth of a film.

    Oh dear, how do I explain the difference in gross takes between 'Avatar' & 'Harry Brown'? Perhaps it is not just bums on seats that defines a good film.

  3. I've invited Sir Mike round for a nightcap. His lawyers have already been on the phone. Again.

    How very dare you suggest I use a ZX81. It's a Spectrum 16K.

  4. Tony, eh? Mo'nique's role wasn't the title role, it was the mother of Precious. It was quite clearly a supporting role but she was damn fine in it.

    Ms So So Jeans