I finally saw Avatar last week, a mere two months after its release. I realise that by now nobody gives a crusty snotrag what I thought about it, but it would be remiss of me not to at least comment. In fact this post may have the smallest target audience in The Incredible Suit's history, aimed as it is at people who haven't seen Avatar. So put your glasses on Mum, you're about to be educated.
Avatar is awful.
Inexplicably, shockingly, apocalyptically awful.
To take various awful elements and individually analyse their awfulness:
- The story is awful. It feels like it was written in the 1980s and left on a dusty shelf in a broom cupboard for 25 years while the rest of cinema evolved and improved its storytelling to the point where this kind of formulaic claptrap would be laughed out of Hollywood if The King Of The World hadn't written it.
- The script is awful. There's not an interesting, inspired line in its 162 minutes. The one-liners are as cheesy and flat as a Cheddar slice. I lost count of how many times a character appeared to be in mortal danger before predictably being rescued by another character, or by a herd of alien cows not seen since the first reel. By the time the hero delivered his rousing Braveheart speech I had my head in my hands, or I would have done if my 3D glasses hadn't got in the way.
- The characters are awful. The bad guy is the kind of tediously one-dimensional villain not seen since '80s 'classics' like Commando. I couldn't have cared less about any of the main characters if they'd been played by Shia LaBeouf.
- The music is awful. It's one thing to have all that jungle drums and wailing choirs nonsense but to have Leona Lewis squonking all over the credits is beyond a joke. I suppose it gets people out of the auditorium quickly so they can get on with the next fleecing - sorry, screening.
- The 3D is awful. Actually it's not awful, in some places it's quite good, but it's either in-your-face and therefore distracting, or subtle and therefore pointless. Also after about 15 minutes I felt like James Cameron himself had been pressing his thumbs into my eyeballs.
Final obvious, childish pun and submission for DVD cover quote:
* to use the phrase "crusty snotrag"
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