Monday, 15 February 2010

Adventureland On An Aeroplane

Mrs The Incredible Suit and I recently went on one of those new-fangled ‘aero-planes’, which are like flying cinemas, and are quite confusing because when you walk in you’re in London and when you walk out you’re somewhere else entirely, like Havana.

Actually I can’t recommend going to an aeroplane to watch a film, because it’s just about the worst possible way to do so. It’s the polar opposite of having a projector and a surround sound setup in your lounge where you can crank the central heating up to volcanic levels and sit in your pants, drinking beer straight from the can while staring at the opening titles of Lost In Translation on pause for hours on end. Fans of Scarlett Johansson’s bottom know exactly what I’m talking about.

Instead you have to contend with a screen the size of a postage stamp displaying sub-VHS quality pictures of a film you can’t pause unless the captain decides to tell you you’re all about to die, or to set your watch to local time.

As for the sound, you’re given the most ineffectual headphones ever made, which are in no way capable of carrying any dialogue quieter than a thunderous bellow over the noise of four Pratt & Whitney JT9D high-bypass turbofan engines* and an air-con system that sounds like Brian Blessed snoring into your earholes for the duration of the flight. Of course the solution would be to bring along a pair of noise-cancelling headphones, but you would also have to make sure your travelling partner didn’t borrow them to watch G-Force.

Anyway I watched Adventureland, which is available to rent or buy NOW, but don't bother because it was rubbish even though I couldn’t hear all the whiny teenage dialogue. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back, boy gets repeatedly punched in the testicles. Zeds. It even has a meaningful rain-drenched reconciliation, as if it hadn’t quite hit its cliché quota by the end. The only up-side was that, according to Mrs The Incredible Suit, G-Force was equally awful.

Still, at least this didn’t happen:

*If you know anything about plane engines, please don’t correct me. I know I’m wrong.

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  1. Oh dear! While you were trying to read the expiry date on your life jacket and thinking yellow didn't go with an incredible suit, some of your fellow aviators were enjoying the thrill of 'Up in the air' by which I mean joining the mile high club. The roar of those turbofans drowning the noise that may otherwise disturb fellow passengers.

  2. I'm sure I don't know to what you could be referring.

  3. Who would be silly enough to lend their noise cancelling headphones to a travelling partner to watch G-Force. Derrrr.

  4. Only someone who is prepared to perform the ultimate sacrifice for the Mrs The Incredible Suit in his life.