Thursday 27 January 2011

This Week's Made Up Reviews

I know what a trustworthy source I am for the latest film reviews, because you've told me. Why, only recently somebody commented on my 127 Hours review to say "What a poorly written review (...) you can't tell the difference what's movie making and what's not (...) I'm not sure if you even watched the movie."

Taking this argument to its tedious but logical conclusion, it occurred to me that I may as well not bother actually watching anything before reviewing it if nobody can tell the difference. So here's a bunch of reviews for just some of the glut of films that are out this week, none of which I've seen. Let's see if you can tell.

Barney's Version stars Paul Giamatti as Barney, a man who becomes famous for singing a cover version of Toni Basil's 1982 sugary pop classic 'Mickey'. When Basil finds out, she goes apeshit. It's rubbish.

Biutiful stars Javier Bardem as a man who is very beautiful but not very good at spelling. One day he buys a dictionary but, while walking down the street reading it, falls over on his face, disfiguring him forever. It's really ironic because now he can spell but he's as ugly as sin. It's rubbish.

Hereafter stars Matt Damon as an 8 year old boy whose sister has a massive eafter. Nobody knows what an eafter is so he has to point it out to people. When they ask what he's pointing at he says "her eafter." This happens over and over again for two hours. It's rubbish.

Tangled is a Disney cartoon about a boy who is raised by jungle animals. They have a good old sing-song, then he grows his hair long and dyes it blond. One day his lustrous locks get tangled in the wheels of a train, with hilarious, heart-warming, life-affirming consequences. It's rubbish.

The Mechanic stars Jason Statham as a car mechanic. He's not a very good one because all the cars he works on explode after he's finished, so in order to become a better mechanic he kicks every other mechanic in the face until they're all dead, and he becomes the only mechanic in the world. Sadly he can't cope with the massive workload this situation presents and he commits suicide by kicking his own head off. It's absolutely brilliant.


  1. Please stop watching movies and do this every week instead.

  2. Well that's probably the only review of The Mechanic that would actually make me want to see it. I think you've found your true calling!

  3. Well, I have seen the first 3 movies and I am bound to say that clever words are no substitute for a review of an attended screening. Barney's Version while not an Oscar contender is a very well made semi-autobiographical story that is well worth seeing on DVD, Blu-ray or TV. Biutiful is a subtitled very realistic film showing a slice of grinding poverty in very painful detail. It is highly memorable and worth a look. Hereafter is a real turkey directed by Clint Eastwood who should avoid any further forays into the after life. Do not bother to see this movie even if the only other thing to do is watch rain rain drops on the windows.

  4. Love The Mechanic one!

  5. All those in favour of reuniting Tony Cox with his sense of humour on Jeremy Kyle at Christmas raise your hand? Yip. Thought so.

  6. I want to see every one of those films, they sound superb.

  7. OK you want me to laugh at a joke. Here is one from 'Blue Valentine'

    DEAN: Tell me a joke.
    CINDY: So there’s a child molester and a little boy walking into the woods. The child molester and the little boy keep walking further and further, and it’s getting darker and darker, and they’re going deeper and deeper into the woods. And the little boy looks up at the child molester and says, ‘Gee, mister. I’m getting scared.’ And the child molester looks down at him and says, ‘You think you’re scared, kid? I have to walk out of here alone.’
    CINDY: You don’t think that’s funny?
    DEAN: [Giggles] No.

    Well, I laughed so I do have my sense of humour.

  8. Tony Cox: That joke is ancient.

    Suit: They all seem pretty accurate to me.

  9. best ever review of the mechanic, loving that dude! If you enjoy doing those, are you interested in a spot on doing a weekly or even monthly games based version?

    Get in touch!

  10. that is absolute class and now i really wanna see the mechanic haha nicely done

  11. TIS, the poster based film reviews have gone down rather well if the posts are anything to go by. Congratulations for that.

    Perhaps the item heading could be 'Film Reviews by Mr. Bill Poster.'

    Please don't give up the genuine film reviews. They are what I value most on your blog.

  12. Reviews by Imposter

  13. What a ridiculously lovely selection of comments. If I'd known it was such a good idea I'd have stopped watching films years ago.

    FACT: The first rubbish plot I made up for Barney's Version turned out to be so close to the actual plot I had to change it. Mazin'.

  14. funny take on reviews.
    After reading this ,i checked out your review of 127 hours. Can't help but agree with the comments on that one though. you seemed to have completely missed the point.
    But this post rocks, especially the Mechanic.