Monday 28 June 2010

Sir Billi: An Exercise In Angering Pedantic Bloggers

Sir Billi is a Scottish-made animated feature due for release at some point in the distant future, in which eccentric octagenarian Sean "Sir Sean Connery" Connery plays an eccentric octagenarian who looks exactly like Sean Connery. He and his goat have to rescue a beaver called Bessie Boo from something or other; it's difficult to tell what and I'd lost interest by that point because I'm over four years old.

Now I understand that The Incredible Suit isn't the target market for Sir Billi, so I'll refrain from criticising it just because it looks like something students might watch on CBBC at three o'clock in the afternoon while they're eating Sugar Puff sandwiches and trying to remember what degree they're doing. However, there are a few points I feel I must raise now before the film is allowed to go any further into production:

1. Have a look at this:

Do you see what they've done here? DO YOU SEE??? Yes, they've traded on Connery's role as James Bond for the sake of a few gags that will mean LITERALLY NOTHING to the target audience. They've also got the words "License to heal" (he's a vet) in that picture, which is not just a rubbish pun but an absolutely unforgivable abortion of spelling. Unless of course the character portrayed by a proud Scot in this proudly Scottish production is American.

2. Have a look at this:

Obviously you don't have to look at it, but if you do you will read that director Sascha Hartmann is "a perfectionist". You'd think, then, that he might have proof-read his website, which is littered with aberrant apostrophes and inaccuracies such as listing the first three Bond films as:

"Dr. No (1962), Goldfinger (1964), From Russia, With Love (1964)"

I can't describe the level of incandescence at which my rage peaked upon reading that.

The site also describes Connery's part as "his first ever animated voice-over role", blithely dismissing Dragonheart and The Thief And The Cobbler, both of which can be found on any Connery filmography you might care to peruse.

3. Have a look at this:

I can't believe that EVERY SINGLE MENTION of Connery's name on the website and in the trailer is preceded by the word "Sir". Even the fictional character he plays uses the preposterous honorific. Who does he think he is, Ben "Sir Ben Kingsley" Kingsley? What an unbelievable arse.

Having said that, if he's reading, can I have an interview please Sir Sean?

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  1. You want to be careful, I hear Connery will personally kick the teeth of anyone who talks bad stuff about him. He may be old, but he kicks like a mule.

  2. He'd have to catch me first. My legs are fifty years faster than his.

  3. Have you seen this? Apparently this load of mince is the new Avatar:

  4. If you combined Sir Billi's story with Avatar's animation I would already be queueing to see that baby.

  5. Agent 007 was always on the look out for a pretty beaver that needed attention.

    Q: What do you call 007 after a haircut.
    A: Shorn Connery


    Gold Pension
    From Russia with Viagra
    You Never Come Twice
    The Spy Who Drooped
    A View To A Pill
    Hearth Raker
    On Her Majesty's Open Government Pension List
    Octogenarian Pussy

  6. This is really horribile!!!
    Obviously the director "Sascha Hartmann" dosen't know anything about animation and CG, i think it's better if he changes business.