Wednesday 16 June 2010

Last Week In "Terrible Movie News" Shocker

If you thought last week's 2011 preview was a bit, well, previous, then let me just give you a glimpse of the world we currently live in, and hopefully you'll understand why The Incredible Suit felt the need to be uncharacteristically upbeat about the future.

In the last seven days alone, I was faced with the following news stories:

Remember Tom Cruise as a fat, hairy, sweary film producer in Tropic Thunder? Not very funny was it? Nevertheless, Paramount are planning to make an entire film about him. Nobody asked for this. NOBODY.

Sequels and reboots that are about as welcome as a turd in your porridge are not only being announced almost daily, but are apparently being given titles by people with the creative skills of a full nappy. Apparently Die Hard 24/7 was originally to be a Die Hard / 24 crossover. Thankfully that idea has been flushed away, but the title remains like a lingering stench that requires a window to be opened, sharpish.

Undaunted by the catastrophic Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, plans are afoot for a fifth geriatric shuffle for the once-great hero. The Bermuda Triangle angle has since been denied, but the only way I'll see this is if they call it Indiana Jones And The Incredible Suit. Which is unlikely.

I can't even be bothered to waste my fingers typing anything about a Fantastic Four reboot.

I haven't seen any of Joe Carnahan's films; for all I know he's the next Alfred Hitchcock. That's not the point. Preacher is an amazing comic that will never be done justice as a film. It's like doing 2001: A Space Odyssey as a half-hour sitcom. STOP THIS MADNESS NOW.

Having absorbed this cackstorm of awfulness, I was about to impale myself on a sharpened toilet roll holder when news came through of a new Toy Story 3 viral clip and a preview clip of the new series of Futurama. That'll cheer me up, I thought. This is what I got:

That's just racism.

And then, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I found out that Jackie Chan has grown a ridiculous moustache.

Who do you turn to?

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  1. Hopefully with the A-Team flopping Cranahan won't be allowed touching another big film again.

  2. HAL 9000: I know I've made some mistakes Dave but turning the ship back to Earth is doing you a favour.
    DAVE BOWMAN: How's that HAL?
    HAL: I'm saving you from monolithic obscurity. You will be starring in 'Blackadder goes to Mars'
    DAVE: I want The Incredible Suit to co-star.
    HAL: You know I can't let that happen Dave

    to be continued next episode....

  3. DAVE: Where is my Incredible Space Suit?
    HAL: Baldrick said he had a cunning plan and gave it to his brother Kubrick.
    DAVE: Well, I'm afraid it's too late. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of here by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
    HAL: (sings) Daisy, Daisy give me your answer do....

    to be terminated

  4. The 'racism' of which you complain is in fact 'capitalism' and even trailer trash, I mean trash trailers are subject to different deals in different countries just like any other retail goods and servvices.

  5. The clip was just a bit with the Professer and Fry, then the stuff we've been seeing in the trailers. Not that special.

  6. Mike, it doesn't look like the A-Team is flop-bound, been getting some good reviews as long as you just want a fun summer movie - which is exactly what it should be.

    Tony, I'm still going to call it racism. Makes me look edgy.

    Simon, that's good to know. It's going to be yonks before I get to see the new series so I may as well forget it even exists.