Thursday 22 April 2010

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About The Marine 2 But Were Afraid To Ask

Following Monday's post about the DVD event of the millennium, the release of The Marine 2, starring Ted DiBiase Jr, many of you* have been in touch desperate to know more about the film that Tesco happily shelled out a hefty chunk of their marketing budget for with a quarter-page ad in a national newspaper. How a sequel to the 2006 hit The Marine could just pass you by as if it was some utterly inconsequential straight-to-DVD cacksplosion is beyond me, but if Tesco are getting behind it with such gusto then it must be a quite significant movie, surely?

So just for you, here are eight pertinent facts about the movie I'm calling "the next Avatar":

1. It's ranked 1,766 in Amazon's bestselling DVDs, just 1,751 places below Alvin And The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.

2. There are two glowing reviews on Amazon. One includes the following: "There are not really any negatives' for this movie ... Its never going to win an Oscar, the acting is not out of this world and the plot is nothing special."

3. Here's the other review - a five-starrer, no less:

4. The bad guy is played by an actor who Amazon helpfully point out is "probably best known as Boba Fett in the Star Wars prequels." They're talking about Temuera Morrison, probably best known as Jango Fett in one Star Wars prequel.

5. It scores 5 out of 10 at the Internet Movie Database, making it 11% better than its prequel. Here are a few sample comments from the IMDb forum:

6. WWE wrestler Ted DiBiase Jr was second choice for the lead role, taking over when WWE wrestler Randy Orton broke his collarbone. Possibly deliberately.

7. According to the IMDb Parents Guide, it's pretty hardcore:

8. The Incredible Suit hasn't seen it so is in no position to comment on its quality, or complete and total desolation thereof.

*None of you

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  1. I've seen it, it's bullshit. As i said in my review,
    it's Die Hard meets Couples Retreat and i don't think those things go together naturally.

  2. What?! But that would mean Tesco had completely wasted a fortune on plugging a rubbish DVD that nobody will buy!

  3. you *owe* it to us to get down to tesco and buy a copy :)

  4. If enough people get in touch I will take one for the team, watch this film and live tweet my internal burbles. Who wants it?

  5. Well, if you're going to do that you really should go for the Marine 1 and 2 double bill.

  6. Leave it, son! It's not worth it!

  7. Woah, woah, woah. Nobody said nuthin about no double bill. I'm not some kind of marine you know.

  8. It sounds amazing. You should get it. It is so worth it, just double bill that motherfucker and get it over with before someone sends you a review copy, and then you have to be nice about it.

  9. Forget Marine go for Hitchcock's Marnie.

  10. Simon, it's lovely that you think someone might send me a review copy of a film, even a probable pant pudding like The Marine 2. If they did, I'd completely sell out and give it a super glowing review. ARE YOU LISTENING, WWE STUDIOS?

  11. I sat through Motherhood starring Uma Thurman for much the same reasons as you're about to scar your soul with this. It really, really wasn't worth it.

  12. I hear you Catherine, but I'm caught in The Marine 2's tractor beam and I can't escape. Besides, what if The Marine wears a stonewash denim hat?