Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Clash Of The Titans: Titans Will, In All Likelihood, Clash

Clash Of The Titans is a new film about Perseus, a hard-as-nails fisherman in a skirt whose job is to save Argos from destruction by the mighty Kraken.

The Incredible Suit is pleased to report that it isn't nearly as bad as it could have been, or even as bad as director Louis Leterrier's reputation suggested it would be. It is in fact a quite smashing load of noisy nonsense which leaps from one action-packed set piece to another with minimal fuss, pausing only to wedge in some failed attempts at a few Lord Of The Rings-style swooping helicopter shots of people trudging across some barren terrain.

All the bits you remember from the dire 1981 original, which is only watchable thanks to the genius of Ray Harryhausen, are in the new version, with varied results. The scorpions, now referred to as 'scorpioks' due to a script typo (possibly), are bigger and better, although if you can keep track of exactly what's going on in that sequence you're probably doing as much speed as the editor was.

Medusa is a massive CGI failure, not nearly as creepy as Harryhausen's creation - although at the beginning of the sequence I guessed who would come out of it alive and I was very, very wrong, so I suppose I should pat it on the back for not being too predictable.

And when Liam Neeson finally shouts "Release the Kraken!" - which is fast becoming my favourite metaphor for doing a poo - he does indeed release a massive Kraken, right outside the door of your favourite high street catalogue store, and it's quite an impressive one but sadly doesn't hang around in the bowl for very long before Perseus flushes it away.
'An enjoyable romp', then, as I might say if I couldn't think of anything more original, which I can't.

Oh and fans of Bubo, the original Clash Of The Titans' irritating attempt to provide R2-D2esque comic relief should prepare to be disappointed. He's in there, but he's treated with no more respect than he deserves. Say no more.

Clash Of The Titans stars:
The guy from Avatar as Perseus
Qui-Gon Jinn as Zeus
Lord Voldemort as Hades
Agent Fields from Quantum Of Solace as Io
Le Chiffre from Casino Royale as Draco
The kid from About A Boy and Skins as Eusebios
Mr Kobayashi as Spyros

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  1. And I'd also say the The Cloverfield Monster's Older (obviously) and More Pissed Off and Quite A Bit Bigger Brother as The Kraken

  2. Terms of endearment. A new new phrase in the film critic's arsenal. "The film was kraken."

    Your blog on the other hand is "Cracking good."
    20,000 visitors proves your case. (They look in for the 5% Twaddle.)