Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Titanic Gigaplex

The Vue cinema chain has recently opened a chuffing titanic gigaplex in the Westfield shopping centre in London, itself the biggest cathedral of consumerism in the known universe.

“The Future Of Cinema”, Vue call it. “With 14 massive screens Vue Westfield offers unrivalled choice of films,” their website shrieks. This week they’re showing TWENTY-NINE different films at one point or another, including new release Alice In Wonderland “in stunning 3D [which] has to be seen to be believed and is a truly unique experience that cannot be seen outside of the cinema environment!”

Well, that’s all lovely. But I’d quite like to visit this amazing temple of film to see Alice In Wonderland in 2D, what with 3D being a bit of an annoying gimmick and all and costing an extra £2.80 on top of an already overpriced ticket. They are showing Alice In Wonderland in 2D, right? Surely on one of their 14 massive screens offering unrivalled choice of films they’re screening a brand new movie in good old flatvision, yes?


If you want to see Alice In Wonderland at Vue Westfield you have no choice but to damn well cough up £11.50 and spend two hours having Johnny Depp jamming his fists into your eye sockets and thumping the ‘headache’ button in your cerebral cortex until your brains bleed out of your nostrils and you have to go home weeping into your brain-filled hanky.

The Incredible Suit doesn’t download films illegally, doesn’t buy knocked off DVDs from Chinese street vendors and doesn’t even walk out of one film that's just finished and into another that's just starting without paying, although God knows it’s easy enough to do so. But I have no sympathy with the industry when it bleats about people doing any or all of the above when they’ve got such a cynical and reprehensible attitude towards the cinemagoing public.

You’ll be unsurprised to hear that flushed with victory over my recent rant at Cineworld Enfield I’ve fired off a strongly-worded email to Vue to let them know exactly what I think. I really am that cheesed off / anal.

In the meantime why not take a deep breath, relax and watch this charming 1903 (1903!!) version of Alice, recently put up on the BFI’s completely brilliant YouTube channel? Or go and read the book. Either would be a victory for consumer power.

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  1. Rant away Mr Suit, rant away. In my town I HATE Cineworld and Vue comes a close second. I am torn during the film festival because most of the films are based in the ned-filled, rip-off food vending Cineworld.

    You are a list man, perhaps a list of the top 10 most hated cinemas?

    Ms So So Jeans

    PS Do you subscribe to the FilmFirst mailing list?

  2. PPS Where do you stand on Michael Moore as he seems to be like Marmite.I can see no ranty previous threads about him so I'm guessing you may be on the pro-side?

  3. I've just seen Shutter Island followed half an hour later by 'Alice in Wonderland'. Of the two films it is Scorsese's that gets "Curiouser and curiouser" while Burton's becomes ever more predictable. 'Alice in Wonderland' is 108 minutes long while 'Shutter Island' was 138, but it felt the other way round to me.

    Alice was in 3D which meant I saw a dimmer picture than usual, wore funny specs and got to see the main titles looking like blocks of granite sticking out of the screen. I'm happy with 2D.

  4. SSJ, what's a ned? Is it one of those funny Scotch words like heed and bawjaws? I subscribe to See Film First, is that what you mean? It's rubbish though. And Michael Moore, well, take him or leave him. He is a bit annoying isn't he?

    Tony, Alice tonight (not at Westfield), Shutter Island and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo this weekend. Hopefully at least one of them won't be a complete waste of time.

  5. Incredible Suit - Seeing Alice in Wonderland first then Shutter Island is the better way for an increase in the peculiar. My viewing was the other way round and I was bored with Alice half way through the picture. It is just a kiddie pic and for an adult reading Lewis Carroll books to children at bedtime is a more rewarding experience than sitting through this movie.

  6. Ned = Scottish chav

    Filmfirst have emailed asking people with blogs if they would like to write film reviews. Thinking only of you Mr Suit, since you do both of these already, I thought you might be interested in the possible publicity. I've seen some good previews though filmFirst though,but the fact the tickets usually go within 30secs make me suspicious.

    Yes Moore may be a tad irritating (but less so than James Cameron or Jack Black) but he makes people think! I think his films should be mandatory, particularly to people who go and see Avatarse and think it was a really good film.

    Shutter Island has been trailed for yonks, over 6 months? I assume it was delayed to be post-oscars for some reason. Radio 4 suggested it may already by oscra material. Not impressed by the trailer. Just watching Film 2010 now and Wossy doesn't like it either.

    Ms So So Jeans