Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Mark Kermode: It's Only A Movie

I just finished reading Mark Kermode's book, 'It's Only A Movie: Reel Life Adventures of a Film Obsessive'. It's supposed to be some kind of an autobiography but don't people usually wait until they're nearly dead before they reduce their entire lives to a few scraps of paper and a massive cash advance? Perhaps Mr Kermode thinks his quiff has reached its maximum density and the next drop of Dax could be the one to cause his head to finally cave in and leave him looking like Adam Buxton in Hot Fuzz.

It used to be the case that I couldn't bear Mark Kermode. I don't know why but I think it might have been his face. Now I'm no Zooey Deschanel but this guy looks like Hellboy with a pompadour. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if the 'do was grown and designed specifically to disguise two sawn-off horns.

These days though, I've grown to like him. He is mildly amusing and he does know his onions and he did shake my hand in the street and let me bleat about The Incredible Suit which he then singularly failed to mention in any of his media outlets, but I won't hold that against him. He did, after all, deliver this fine rantsplosion about Pirates Of The Caribbean 3, in which he literally doesn't draw breath for ten minutes:

So I was prepared to give his book a go. It's very readable - if it was a film it would have a nice low Fidgit Factor - but it's sadly not very interesting. He tells a lot of stories but only a couple of them are particularly out of the ordinary, and the rest are along the lines of how he thought he'd done something very badly but actually he'd done it very well.

He also devotes a lot of time to his working relationship with Simon Mayo as if they're the greatest double act since Laurel & Hardy, when in fact they have little to no chemistry at all. In fact I look forward to the day when he parts ways with Mayo to concentrate on presenting the BBC's Film programme. In my list of preferred presenters of that show I would happily place him below Barry Norman but above the double-glazing salesman.

If you fancy reading 'It's Only A Movie' yourself but can't be bothered, here's The Incredible Suit's abridged version:

"Hi, I'm Mark Kermode, film critic. I once had a bad experience in a car in Russia, and another time I was interviewing Werner Herzog when he got shot."

There you go, I've saved you £11.99 (RRP). If you like you can just send me a cheque to The Incredible Suit, c/o The Internets.

Also, The Exorcist: Not all that.

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  1. The Exorcist not all that? Oh suit you do joke.

  2. Holy moses that guy can talk. And crikey that guy really got shot! Double wow! Cool site

  3. Yes he can, yes he did and yes it is. Thanks!

  4. Not just an 'air' gun in the Herzog interview, I'd call it an 'on air' gun. Air guns are not very accurate at the distance in this shooting. I wonder who the protagonist was really aiming at? Film critics can kill a director's film so...

  5. OK, OK, I admit it. In a desperate attempt to beat him to Jonathan Ross's warm seat, I tried to blow his quiff off with an air rifle. Unfortunately Kermode's barnet has the power to bend time and space, which is why I hit that weirdo Herzog by mistake.

    Next time, Kermode!