Tuesday 27 July 2010

The A-Team

When the cast of The A-Team was announced, most people were uncertain whether or not the actors could do justice to the iconic roles that made the original TV series such a beloved favourite of so many. Well, let The Incredible Suit assure you: the cast is the least of this film's problems.

Hannibal, Face, BA and Murdoch might have been sent to a military prison for a crime they didn't commit, but the movie should be firmly incarcerated in celluloid Sing Sing for any of the following felonies:
  • Being TWO HOURS long
  • Beginning with an unnecessary origin story which depends on insane coincidence and requires a titanic suspension of disbelief, not to mention the fact that it takes about half an hour to do what the TV series opening did in TWENTY-TWO SECONDS
  • Throwing in a rubbish visual gag nicked from Raiders Of The Lost Ark
  • Using a woefully unfunny catchphrase ("Alpha Mike Foxtrot") twice in the first reel and then never again
  • Naming a minor character "Carnahan" (The film was directed by Joe Carnahan. DO YOU SEE?)
  • Having the team still working for the military when they're supposed to be a bunch of freelancers
  • Pitting four separate groups of people against each other, thereby making the whole exercise more complicated than necessary
  • Throwing in a twist you can see coming from the hot dog stand
  • Plunging a bling-free BA into an existential crisis for most of the second act
  • Giving Hannibal only one disguise, which involves dyeing his hair
  • Not using the original series' theme nearly enough
  • Finishing with a painfully awkward post-credits sequence which will mean nothing to anyone under 30
I had to stop there because I was depressing myself. Even the staff of the Empire Leicester Square couldn't be bothered:

In conclusion:

If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a cheesy, fun film, watch Charlie's Angels.

If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a brilliant, fun film, watch Star Trek.

If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a shouty, incomprehensible mess that removes all the fun things you remember from the original and replaces them with bewildering plotting and slapdash direction, watch The A-Team. And then question your own sanity.

The Incredible Suit does not love it when a blockbuster adaptation of an old TV favourite fails to come together.

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  1. Sharlto. Copley. You think about that, sir.

  2. Quite right. He was great in District 9.

  3. Dan the Automator has remixed the soundtrack though. That can't be a bad thing

  4. Thank God you didn't go with a Mr T quip to end the article like every other reviewer



  6. Hey, there is nothing rubbish about Raiders of the Lost Ark. NOTHING. But if this one does the classic shooting a swordsman gag, my rage will become legendary. Wounded cinema employee veterans will speak of it like the Indianapolis scene in Jaws.

  7. Well obviously. In Raiders it was amazing. In The A Team it's rubbish.

  8. Mr. Suit, will you be posting your opinion of the closure of the UK Film Council? Good or bad thing?

    Also, The A Team has never looked interesting to be. Partly because I'm under 30, and partly because it had the least exciting marketing campaign since the JML magic ironing board cover.

  9. The A in this title is A for Alzheimers. That explains taking half an hour for what used to take twenty seconds. Yes, 'Question your own sanity' and short term memory loss.

    By the way, did I tell you the A in A Team stands for Alzheimers...

  10. Is the film better or worse than the mirth free tundra that is the Orange 'O-Team' tie-in advert I endured before Inception?

  11. What was the Raiders of the Lost Ark reference? I missed that.
    I agree with your review, though - just how many times does Hannibal say "plan" in this film? 50? 100?
    Also, why do they go through airport security in the most suspicion-arousing way possible? Have 2 members of the team look nervous and pause for ages over questions they were perfectly capable of answering, while the other 2 look on, standing against a wall, directly in sight of security, wearing shades and looking twitchy?

  12. I've tried to block it from my memory but there's a dude who, before beating up one of the Team, does an excessive display of martial arts to scare his victim before just being shot.

    Bad Carnahan.