Friday 23 July 2010

A Silly Question

"If you could live forever, what car would you drive?", asks this billboard for Eclipse, knowing full well it isn't going to get the answer it wants to hear.

If I could live forever, I wouldn't limit myself to one car. That would be crackers. I'd drive a series of increasingly outrageous motors to reflect the mounting insanity brought on by watching everyone around me die.

I'd start with something amazing like a Ferrari 288 GTO, move on to every Aston Martin James Bond ever drove from the DB5 to the DBS, use a time-travelling DeLorean just to pop to the shops, get the General Lee from The Dukes Of Hazzard and KITT from Knight Rider (the original, obv) to leap over rivers, probably get one of those hideous Lamborghini Countach things just to annoy the neighbours and then I'd drive every movie Batmobile up and down the M1, using the Tumbler from Batman Begins to cross the central reservation and crush oncoming vehicles. At weekends I would drive the Condormobile from Condorman very slowly around the estate trying to pick up chicks.

What I would never drive, even in an eternity of everlasting life, is a Volvo XC60, which, according to Wikipedia, boasts such tedious safety features as:

"a whiplash protection system, side impact protection system, roll stability control, dynamic stability and traction control, inflatable curtain airbags, hill descent control, collision warning with brake support, active bi-xenon lights, blah blah yawn yawn zeds."

Why would I want any of that? I'M IMMORTAL!! I could ride naked on a Harley Davidson at 200mph through a fine mesh of razor wire and it wouldn't make a scratch, you 24-hour-headlight-shining idiots!

Any vampire caught at the wheels of one of those is clearly a pasty-faced, pointy-toothed, blood-guzzling loser who's been forced into the most incongruous piece of product placement since Daniel Craig squeezed his gigantic pecs into a Ford Mondeo in Casino Royale.

To comment on this post, DRINK LEGENDARIO RUM


  1. That is a very, very good point!
    I'd have the Monkeemobile.

  2. I'll have some LEGENDARIO RUM!

  3. Damn it, I already laughed for hours at how ridiculous the TV Volvo ad was, and now you've drawn my attention to this too >_<

  4. prairie_oysters23 July 2010 at 15:00

    Props for Condorman's car - the only movie car with a pop-up ramp to jettison oncoming Porsches. I'd add to the list an Electra Glide (in Blue), the '55 Chevy in gray primer and the yellow GTO from Two Lane Blacktop, the black Barracuda from Phantasm, The Fall Guy's jeep, the white Dodge Challenger from Vanishing point, the '67 Mustang Fast Back and the black Dodge Charger from Bullitt, a Back the the Future 2 hoverboard and Blue Thunder/Airwolf - depending on whether there was an 'R' in the month.

  5. The volvo suits the Twilight Vampires to a tee. Safe, mundane, non-threatening and middle-class. It's a match made in heaven.

  6. Being a Tarantino fan I would have to have the Pussy Wagon from Kill Bill and being immortal would do weekend driving on the buggy left behind on the moon. In reality I get about on a tricycle.

  7. He drives one in the books as well. Not that I've read them. He also drives an Aston Martin V12 Vanquish. Apparently.

  8. If I had a pound for everyone who's said to me "Not that I've read them" in relation to the Twilight books, I'd have one pound.

    But you get the idea.