Tuesday 27 July 2010

The A-Team

When the cast of The A-Team was announced, most people were uncertain whether or not the actors could do justice to the iconic roles that made the original TV series such a beloved favourite of so many. Well, let The Incredible Suit assure you: the cast is the least of this film's problems.

 
Hannibal, Face, BA and Murdoch might have been sent to a military prison for a crime they didn't commit, but the movie should be firmly incarcerated in celluloid Sing Sing for any of the following felonies:
  • Being TWO HOURS long
  • Beginning with an unnecessary origin story which depends on insane coincidence and requires a titanic suspension of disbelief, not to mention the fact that it takes about half an hour to do what the TV series opening did in TWENTY-TWO SECONDS
  • Throwing in a rubbish visual gag nicked from Raiders Of The Lost Ark
  • Using a woefully unfunny catchphrase ("Alpha Mike Foxtrot") twice in the first reel and then never again
  • Naming a minor character "Carnahan" (The film was directed by Joe Carnahan. DO YOU SEE?)
  • Having the team still working for the military when they're supposed to be a bunch of freelancers
  • Pitting four separate groups of people against each other, thereby making the whole exercise more complicated than necessary
  • Throwing in a twist you can see coming from the hot dog stand
  • Plunging a bling-free BA into an existential crisis for most of the second act
  • Giving Hannibal only one disguise, which involves dyeing his hair
  • Not using the original series' theme nearly enough
  • Finishing with a painfully awkward post-credits sequence which will mean nothing to anyone under 30
I had to stop there because I was depressing myself. Even the staff of the Empire Leicester Square couldn't be bothered:

In conclusion:

If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a cheesy, fun film, watch Charlie's Angels.

If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a brilliant, fun film, watch Star Trek.

If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a shouty, incomprehensible mess that removes all the fun things you remember from the original and replaces them with bewildering plotting and slapdash direction, watch The A-Team. And then question your own sanity.

The Incredible Suit does not love it when a blockbuster adaptation of an old TV favourite fails to come together.

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13 comments :

  1. Sharlto. Copley. You think about that, sir.

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  2. Quite right. He was great in District 9.

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  3. Dan the Automator has remixed the soundtrack though. That can't be a bad thing

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  4. Thank God you didn't go with a Mr T quip to end the article like every other reviewer

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  5. Yeah. I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOES THAT!

    Oh.

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  6. Hey, there is nothing rubbish about Raiders of the Lost Ark. NOTHING. But if this one does the classic shooting a swordsman gag, my rage will become legendary. Wounded cinema employee veterans will speak of it like the Indianapolis scene in Jaws.

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  7. Well obviously. In Raiders it was amazing. In The A Team it's rubbish.

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  8. Mr. Suit, will you be posting your opinion of the closure of the UK Film Council? Good or bad thing?

    Also, The A Team has never looked interesting to be. Partly because I'm under 30, and partly because it had the least exciting marketing campaign since the JML magic ironing board cover.

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  9. The A in this title is A for Alzheimers. That explains taking half an hour for what used to take twenty seconds. Yes, 'Question your own sanity' and short term memory loss.

    By the way, did I tell you the A in A Team stands for Alzheimers...

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  10. Is the film better or worse than the mirth free tundra that is the Orange 'O-Team' tie-in advert I endured before Inception?

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  11. What was the Raiders of the Lost Ark reference? I missed that.
    I agree with your review, though - just how many times does Hannibal say "plan" in this film? 50? 100?
    Also, why do they go through airport security in the most suspicion-arousing way possible? Have 2 members of the team look nervous and pause for ages over questions they were perfectly capable of answering, while the other 2 look on, standing against a wall, directly in sight of security, wearing shades and looking twitchy?

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  12. I've tried to block it from my memory but there's a dude who, before beating up one of the Team, does an excessive display of martial arts to scare his victim before just being shot.

    Bad Carnahan.

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