Hannibal, Face, BA and Murdoch might have been sent to a military prison for a crime they didn't commit, but the movie should be firmly incarcerated in celluloid Sing Sing for any of the following felonies:
- Being TWO HOURS long
- Beginning with an unnecessary origin story which depends on insane coincidence and requires a titanic suspension of disbelief, not to mention the fact that it takes about half an hour to do what the TV series opening did in TWENTY-TWO SECONDS
- Throwing in a rubbish visual gag nicked from Raiders Of The Lost Ark
- Using a woefully unfunny catchphrase ("Alpha Mike Foxtrot") twice in the first reel and then never again
- Naming a minor character "Carnahan" (The film was directed by Joe Carnahan. DO YOU SEE?)
- Having the team still working for the military when they're supposed to be a bunch of freelancers
- Pitting four separate groups of people against each other, thereby making the whole exercise more complicated than necessary
- Throwing in a twist you can see coming from the hot dog stand
- Plunging a bling-free BA into an existential crisis for most of the second act
- Giving Hannibal only one disguise, which involves dyeing his hair
- Not using the original series' theme nearly enough
- Finishing with a painfully awkward post-credits sequence which will mean nothing to anyone under 30
In conclusion:
If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a cheesy, fun film, watch Charlie's Angels.
If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a brilliant, fun film, watch Star Trek.
If you want to see a cheesy, fun TV series made into a shouty, incomprehensible mess that removes all the fun things you remember from the original and replaces them with bewildering plotting and slapdash direction, watch The A-Team. And then question your own sanity.
The Incredible Suit does not love it when a blockbuster adaptation of an old TV favourite fails to come together.
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Sharlto. Copley. You think about that, sir.
ReplyDeleteQuite right. He was great in District 9.
ReplyDeleteDan the Automator has remixed the soundtrack though. That can't be a bad thing
ReplyDeleteThank God you didn't go with a Mr T quip to end the article like every other reviewer
ReplyDeleteYeah. I PITY THE FOOL THAT DOES THAT!
ReplyDeleteOh.
Hey, there is nothing rubbish about Raiders of the Lost Ark. NOTHING. But if this one does the classic shooting a swordsman gag, my rage will become legendary. Wounded cinema employee veterans will speak of it like the Indianapolis scene in Jaws.
ReplyDeleteWell obviously. In Raiders it was amazing. In The A Team it's rubbish.
ReplyDeleteMr. Suit, will you be posting your opinion of the closure of the UK Film Council? Good or bad thing?
ReplyDeleteAlso, The A Team has never looked interesting to be. Partly because I'm under 30, and partly because it had the least exciting marketing campaign since the JML magic ironing board cover.
The A in this title is A for Alzheimers. That explains taking half an hour for what used to take twenty seconds. Yes, 'Question your own sanity' and short term memory loss.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, did I tell you the A in A Team stands for Alzheimers...
Is the film better or worse than the mirth free tundra that is the Orange 'O-Team' tie-in advert I endured before Inception?
ReplyDeleteWorse, and longer.
ReplyDeleteWhat was the Raiders of the Lost Ark reference? I missed that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your review, though - just how many times does Hannibal say "plan" in this film? 50? 100?
Also, why do they go through airport security in the most suspicion-arousing way possible? Have 2 members of the team look nervous and pause for ages over questions they were perfectly capable of answering, while the other 2 look on, standing against a wall, directly in sight of security, wearing shades and looking twitchy?
I've tried to block it from my memory but there's a dude who, before beating up one of the Team, does an excessive display of martial arts to scare his victim before just being shot.
ReplyDeleteBad Carnahan.