BlogalongaMuppets #7:Beaker Reviews The Muppets

Well here we fucking are then. The first new Muppets film to be spunked into cinemas in twelve years and the last of my award-winning monthly appearances on this pathetic excuse for a blog. An entire planet full of twats has been looking forward to The Muppets since it was announced, and it gives me an erection as big as my head to tell you that...

Now don't get your knickers in a twist, Muppet-lovers. If you're so fucking obsessed with us that you actually liked, say, The Muppets Take Manhattan, then maybe you'll enjoy this. But if, on the other hand, you're a normal human being who isn't in love with a bunch of expensive cushion covers, then there is no fucking way on this piss-soaked shithole of a planet that this film will win you over.

Yeah, Muppets are great. Yeah, we're cute, and sometimes funny. And by sometimes, I mean twice in this film. But that does not give us the right to shit out a film so staggeringly simplistically plotted that Camilla the fucking chicken could have written it. And no, it is NOT OK that we try to get away with it with fucking interminable references to how it's just a movie, and not a very good one at that. That may have worked in, say, The Muppet Christmas Carol because we were being clever and that film was actually good, but now we just look like arrogant pricks. With hands up our arseholes.

Lube up love, you're next.

And what's with the songs? BRET FUCKING MCKENZIE off of FLIGHT OF THE FUCKING CONCHORDS wrote the songs, so they should be the greatest fucking songs of all time, right? WRONG. I can't remember a single one except "Man Or Muppet", and that's only because it sounds EXACTLY like the Conchord's "I'm Not Crying", only much, much, much less gooder.





Amirite?

Don't even get me started on the cameos. It is a fucking pathetic sight indeed to see how many has-beens queue up to be in a single frame of a Muppet film regardless of quality, OH HELLO ZACH GALLIFREYNACKERS. And will someone please tell me WHO THE TITTY-SHITTING CHRISTBALLS IS SELENA GOMEZ? Surely the whole fucking point of a cameo is to make the audience go "Ooh, look!" rather than "Who, the fuck?"

Anyway. I at least enjoyed it when the Muppet Show theme song came on, and on reflection I can heartily agree with the central message that we should value our friendships, keep in touch with each other more, think about how our actions affect others and keep chasing our dreams, because HOLY FUCK I JUST REMEMBERED THE BIT WHERE JACK BLACK GETS A FACE FULL OF MISS PIGGY'S FANNY. Man, just the thought of it terrifies me. I tell you, he was wiping that shit off his chin for hours.

So that the fuck is that then. I've enjoyed coming on here and wanking in your eyes every month, but let's face it, these films have all been a bit crap haven't they? Apart from Christmas Carol. And Treasure Island I suppose. In fact if I absolutely had to rank them in in descending order of least-shitness, I'd say: Christmas, Treasure, Caper, Muppets, Movie, Space (I imagine), Manhattan. Oh God, Manhattan really was bollocks, wasn't it? Yes. Yes it fucking well was.

I'm sure there'll be a The Muppets 2 soon enough, in which case I'll come back and wipe my arse all over this blog again. In the meantime, fuck off.

Beaker out. x

PS More BlogalongaMuppetry at The Movie Evangelist, the man with his hand up all our holes.