Friday, 2 December 2011

BlogalongaMuppets #3: Beaker Reviews The Muppets Take Manhattan

Yeah, I'm late again. What are you gonna do about it? SUCK IT UP BITCHES, THAT'S WHAT. I didn't even want to review this film, but apparently I have to. Frankly I'd rather jam my stupid long head up Professor Bunsen's arsehole because not only is The Muppets Take Manhattan not very good, it's also ALMOST ENTIRELY DEVOID OF BEAKER ACTION. What the FUCK is that all about?
"Together again", they all warble like retarded cloth animals. Well, not quite together, are we? Yeah, the frog and the pig are all over each other like some kind of interspecies porno while the bear and the chicken and whatever Gonzo is watch, but where's Beaker? NOWHERE, that's where. It's a fucking liberty I tell you.

Seriously, this film is fine if you just want to look at Muppets, but - to quote some bastard rat that was deemed more crucial to the plot than me - where's the beef? A few rubbish songs, a handful of lacklustre cameos (does anyone REALLY remember Gregory Hines?) and stupid plot turns that make no sense - uh, yeah, let's all split up for no other reason than to get back together again - do not a classic make.

I'd like to say it all perks up for the THREE FUCKING SECONDS I'm in it at the end, but it doesn't, because that's the bit where they shoved all the songs that didn't fit anywhere else so they crammed them into a dumb story within a story, the lemons. I wish they hadn't put me in it at all. The fucker's on my IMDb page for the rest of my life now.

Next month - or this month if I get my shit together - it's some cocking Christmas story we're all supposed to get excited about. Well I fucking hate Christmas so whoopee-shitting-doo, I can't wait. Here's a picture of Miss Piggy as a baby to keep you going until then. I think she looks kinda hot. Sue me.


  1. The attention seeker review by the backstage creeper, Leaker Beaker could not have been bleaker.

    Q: What's green & smells like pork?
    A: Kermit's fingers.