Monday, 30 January 2012

BlogalongaMuppets #5: Beaker Reviews Muppet Treasure Island

Sup bee-hatches, Beaker in your face again to give you the most scientifically accurate opinion of Muppet Treasure Island, also known as "the one with Tim Curry and the boy that sings like a girl".
Remember now, you simple-minded imbeciles? Good.

Following what can only be described as The Fucking Ace Muppet Christmas Carol (I'm campaigning to get it renamed in time for the Blu-ray), someone with at least three quarters of a working brain cell calculated that it might be a good idea to adapt another cock-on work of literature, and fuck me if it didn't turn out to be quite fucking good. Not as good as The Fucking Ace Muppet Christmas Carol, but good enough for another re-branding exercise. The Quite Fucking Good Muppet Treasure Island Blu-ray should be on every kid's Christmas list this year.

When Tim Curry's parents fucked him into existence they must have been watching the Muppets on TV, because he was born for this kind of pantomime bollocks, I swear. Nobody looks more comfortable in a film full of talking cushions than Cuzza. I think he may have actually believed he was a Muppet, the poor deluded bastard. Sadly the same cannot be said for the boy that sings like a girl. Let's be honest, he's fucking shite. He can't act, he looks like a young Pat fucking Sharp and he sings like a girl. And as for his range of facial expressions, well, if you thought Miss Piggy's were limited:
Fuck                           Ing                           Hell.

Fortunately I pointed out to the director that we appeared to have hired a walking braindead mullet, and as a direct result not only did Curry get more screen time, but yours truly got the chance to do a bit more than just get humiliated by that fucker Bunsen again. Christ knows what that boy's up to now, assuming he survived being wedgied till his colon bled every day at school after this film came out. Probably ended up in the Casualty The Bill revolving door of actors, the poor bastard.

The rest of the songs that aren't sung by the boy that sings like a girl are pretty fucking great, and you can thank Hans Zimmer for that, the crazy potato-faced German. His music is about as piratey as it gets, and you can thank this film for his great music on the otherwise shit-munchingly awful Pirates Of The Caribbean films.

There's other good stuff in The Quite Fucking Good Muppet Treasure Island but I really can't be arsed to sit here and spoon-feed it to you so why don't you just take my word for it? I've literally got a million better things to do than talk about fucking Muppets all day. Like watch Muppets From Space, which as far as I can tell is not adapted from a great work of literature and will therefore almost certainly be a massive mug of camel wank.

Beaker out. x

PS More Muppet movie mithering to be found at BlogalongaMuppets HQ, if you like that sort of thing.

4 comments :

  1. TRUE FACT: The boy who sings like a girl grew up to become television's Kevin Bishop, star of The Kevin Bishop Show and Star Stories. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin_Bishop

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  2. How does this production make money? It is a pirate movie from the start. Does Miss Piggy dream of Kermit when she reads frogs porn? Meanwhile The Muppets (2011) the first cinema release for 12 years is getting this reaction:
    The headline in the Hollywood Reporter reads "Fox Business Network Calls Muppets Communist", followed by the deeply dispiriting words "Debate Goes Viral", which here we may take to mean: "Gains Perverse Legitimacy Because Lots of People Clicked On It". It is just the latest in a series of claims about children's films having a leftwing agenda. Last month a New York Post writer described Happy Feet 2 as "Kiddie Karl Marx".

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  3. is not true, does not sing like a girl is just a rumor white

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