So in the spirit of cold, harsh realism, here are nine films (I was aiming for ten but lost the will to live) coming in the next twelve months that you would be best advised not to get excited about, for history teaches us that they shall be naught but shit on the brand new trainers of your hopes. Enjoy!
The Dark Knight Rises
What could possibly go wrong? With The Dark Knight being (whisper it) not as good as Batman Begins, and previews of the new film featuring a villain mumbling incomprehensibly in a funny (i.e. British) accent, alarm bells are ringing. Not that you can hear them over *BRRRAAAAAHHHHHMMMMMMMM* Yes, thank you Hans.
The Amazing Spider-Man
What could possibly go wrong? There won't be enough action. There'll be too much action. Not enough web-swinging. Too much web-swinging. Andrew Garfield's too old. Emma Stone's not sexy enough. The whole film looks like a video game. Something something mechanical web shooters. Take your pick: something about this film is bound to suck the mechanical tentacles off a human/octopus hybrid.
What could possibly go wrong? Critics are dusting off their 17-year-old "Dreddful" reviews in preparation after seeing the first stills from the film, in which Dredd's helmet looks several sizes too big for his noggin and Urban seems a little too weedy to fill out the futuristic rozzer's suit. Apparently the rest of the cast will be populated by midgets and children in order to give Dredd a slightly more fear-inducing presence than a newborn kitten.
What could possibly go wrong? Cars.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
What could possibly go wrong? The Hobbit's success hinges on two things: people accepting Martin Freeman as a hobbit rather than Tim From The Office with curly hair (admittedly unlikely to be a problem outside the UK), and Peter Jackson not turning in a Kong-esque three-hour vanity project. I hope he's back on the burgers, because don't forget: fat PJ made The Lord Of The Rings but it was skinny PJ who brought us The Lovely Bones.
What could possibly go wrong? A much-loved series. Years gone by since the last good entry. A prequel from the director of the original film. A director who hasn't made anything as good as the original since. You know what this is? It's Alien Episode I: The Phantom Menace.
What could possibly go wrong? Let's be honest, none of the feature-length trailers for The Avengers have set the world on fire, have they? Only Thor managed to pull off two full hours of watchability, and there's no way Robert Downey Jr's going to let some hammer-wielding hippie steal the show. Still, Scarlett Johansson's ass.
What could possibly go wrong? NOTHING. Right?
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D
What could possibly go wrong? *record scratch*