Friday, 6 January 2012

The Nine Biggest Guaranteed Disappointments Of 2012

Jesus Craps, 2012 is upon us already. And like politicians in an election campaign, it promises a great deal. Also like politicians in an election campaign, however, it cannot be trusted further than it can be punted off the doorstep with a hob-nailed boot.

So in the spirit of cold, harsh realism, here are nine films (I was aiming for ten but lost the will to live) coming in the next twelve months that you would be best advised not to get excited about, for history teaches us that they shall be naught but shit on the brand new trainers of your hopes. Enjoy!

The Dark Knight Rises
The potential So much fanboy urine has been excreted in the name of this film that the internet now smells like an old people's home, which means that TDKR will comfortably become the biggest grossing film of all time even if it's three hours of Michael Caine dusting Wayne Manor in his pants.
What could possibly go wrong? With The Dark Knight being (whisper it) not as good as Batman Begins, and previews of the new film featuring a villain mumbling incomprehensibly in a funny (i.e. British) accent, alarm bells are ringing. Not that you can hear them over *BRRRAAAAAHHHHHMMMMMMMM* Yes, thank you Hans.

The Amazing Spider-Man
The potential The hasty reboot of Sam Raimi's still-warm franchise could well solve its predecessors' biggest problems: a CG hero that moved like Miner Willy (google it, kidz), and cinema's least sympathetic love interest ever in Kirsten Dunst's self-obsessed whingecake Mary-Jane Watson.
What could possibly go wrong? There won't be enough action. There'll be too much action. Not enough web-swinging. Too much web-swinging. Andrew Garfield's too old. Emma Stone's not sexy enough. The whole film looks like a video game. Something something mechanical web shooters. Take your pick: something about this film is bound to suck the mechanical tentacles off a human/octopus hybrid.

The potential It's that rare thing: a reboot actually worth rebooting, hopefully taking a giant can of air freshener to the stench left in cinemas after Stallone shat Judge Dredd onto an unsuspecting audience in 1995. This version stars Karl Urban, because Josh Holloway wasn't famous enough when they cast it.
What could possibly go wrong? Critics are dusting off their 17-year-old "Dreddful" reviews in preparation after seeing the first stills from the film, in which Dredd's helmet looks several sizes too big for his noggin and Urban seems a little too weedy to fill out the futuristic rozzer's suit. Apparently the rest of the cast will be populated by midgets and children in order to give Dredd a slightly more fear-inducing presence than a newborn kitten.

The potential It's a new Pixar film! Everyone loves Pixar! It can't fail!
What could possibly go wrong? Cars.

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
The potential Peter Jackson's new film about the offspring of a hobo and a rabbit might just be worth keeping him from cracking on with the eagerly awaited Tintin sequel.
What could possibly go wrong? The Hobbit's success hinges on two things: people accepting Martin Freeman as a hobbit rather than Tim From The Office with curly hair (admittedly unlikely to be a problem outside the UK), and Peter Jackson not turning in a Kong-esque three-hour vanity project. I hope he's back on the burgers, because don't forget: fat PJ made The Lord Of The Rings but it was skinny PJ who brought us The Lovely Bones.

The potential A new Alien film these days usually means Paul WS Anderson, incomprehensible nonsense and large piles of Shrek. But with Ridley Scott, Damon Lindelof and Michael Fassbender involved, it 's finally time to take the franchise seriously again.
What could possibly go wrong? A much-loved series. Years gone by since the last good entry. A prequel from the director of the original film. A director who hasn't made anything as good as the original since. You know what this is? It's Alien Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

The Avengers
The potential The world's biggest collection of biceps gathers for at least two and a half hours of winking, eyebrow-raising and staring at Scarlett Johansson's ass. It's like a party at Roger Moore's house.
What could possibly go wrong? Let's be honest, none of the feature-length trailers for The Avengers have set the world on fire, have they? Only Thor managed to pull off two full hours of watchability, and there's no way Robert Downey Jr's going to let some hammer-wielding hippie steal the show. Still, Scarlett Johansson's ass.

The potential Bond is back, in case you hadn't noticed, and he's making all sorts of promises about how amazing Episode XXIII will be. And with "proper director" Sam Mendes directing, surely it's guaranteed smashmageddon?
What could possibly go wrong? NOTHING. Right?

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D
The potential Uh...
What could possibly go wrong? *record scratch*


  1. You're not allowed to say TDK isn't at least ten times better than BB or else you're a fucking idiot or something. Aside from my wife, I've never met another person who agreed with me that BB was just *better*.

  2. "So much fanboy urine has been excreted in the name of this film that the internet now smells like an old people's home"

    Change this statement to all Christopher Nolan films and it's maybe even more accurate. But then again, with the exception of the Batman films and The Prestige, people have been singing Nolan praise for minor but entertaining films as if they are some sort genre defining masterpieces since Memento.

    As for Dredd, I hate to say it but I read the script about 4 months ago and it's pretty much horrible.

  3. The Incredible Suit's dissing of 2012's films reminds me of Groucho Marx who was asked why he sometimes took an instant dislike to people. "Saves time." he said. More memorably he said "This morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

  4. Surely this post should have been called The Eight Biggest Guaranteed Disappointments Of 2012, And Skyfall Which Had Better Be Great Or I Will Hunt Sam Mendes Down With Dogs?

  5. I used to bother telling people that Batman Begins was better than The Dark Knight but no one would listen. Maybe we could start some sort of online focus group because I only like hearing opinions which agree with my own.

    Why do you have a picture of Andrew Marr illustrating Skyfall?

  6. "You know what this is? It's Alien Episode I: The Phantom Menace."

    I can't believe you just said that. I had such high hopes and hit the nail on the head. I'm officially afraid for my life. Let's hope it's not true! Still, a brilliant list that I will keep in mind every time I come home moping from the theaters.

  7. You made me laugh out loud 3 times:
    ...Yes, thank you Hans.
    ...offspring of a hobo and a rabbit's like a party at Roger Moore's house.