Made Up Reviews 5: A Good Day To Make Up

As I find myself once more in the wilderness of a week of new releases of which I have seen a grand total of zero, it's time to fall back on the ultimate all-filler, no-killer feature that they're all calling "Huh?"

That's right laydeez and gemmun, it's time to dismiss years of artistic work with fatuous cockwaffle, as I review five films I've never seen, and probably will never see. Hooray for bloggers!

Topp Twins: Untouchable Girls stars Brett and Jemaine from Flight Of The Conchords as two down-on-their-luck New Zealand musicians who undergo sex changes in order to become more popular. Unbeknownst to them, a pair of lesbian kiwis (people from New Zealand, not the flightless birds from the genus Apteryx) go through the same process at the same time. The two couples eventually meet and fall in love, but nobody is quite sure where anything goes any more.

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance in 3D is the sequel to Ghost, and stars Nicolas Cage in 3D as the character formerly played by Patrick Swayze in 2D. When Cage/Swayze (catchphrase: "Don't call me Cwayze!") accidentally sets his head on fire in an unfortunate high speed electric toothbrush accident, he returns to Earth on a motorbike to ask Demi Moore to put the flames out. Unfortunately she's busy having it off with Ashton Kutcher, so Cwayze pisses fire on the pair of them in a scene deemed "too silly" by the BBFC for anything above a U certificate.

The Woman In The Fifth stars Kristin Scott Thomas as an Englishwoman with a remarkably convincing French accent, who lives in France and eats lots of cheese and drinks lots of wine and never shaves her armpits. One day she meets Ethan Hawke, and expresses surprise because she thought he had retired or died. They sit around watching The Fifth Element, which they love so much they abbreviate its title to simply The Fifth, and discuss the merits of Milla Jovovich's performance. That's it really.

Hadewijch is one of those foreign arty films that people pretend to like when really they don't understand a single word of it. Ironically this one is very straightforward: it's about a man called Dave Hadewijch who just wants people to pronounce his name properly. He spends his entire life on this futile quest to find a soulmate who'll call him by his correct moniker, but only on his death bed does his nurse finally get it right. As he finally hears her say his name, he lets out a single tear, wonders aloud what was so difficult about the word "Dave" and dies a lonely old man.

Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close is acutely, almightily, awfully, drastically, exceedingly, exceptionally, excessively, exorbitantly, extraordinarily, greatly, highly, hugely, immensely, immoderately, incontrovertibly, indubitably, inordinately long and intensely, markedly, notably, overly, plentifully, powerfully, prohibitively, radically, remarkably, severely, strikingly, surpassingly, terribly, terrifically, totally, unbelievably, uncommonly, unduly, unusually, utterly shit.