Tuesday, 27 September 2011

BlogalongaMuppets #1: Beaker Reviews The Muppet Movie

Sup bitches? I'm Beaker, the greatest fucking Muppet of them all, and this is BlogalongaMuppets. It's like BlogalongaBond but shitloads better because it's got me in it and not some walking pair of eyebrows poncing about pretending to be hard and calling everyone "darling". Wanker.

Anyway, I'm here to tell you all about my first film, The Muppet Movie, so at least have the common decency to shut the fuck up and listen.
It's all right I suppose. There are some good bits, like that little green prick Kermit riding a bike and a giant version of crack-addicted mentalist Animal emerging from the top of a building and that, but by and large it's a bit flat. There isn't a right lot going on to justify even 95 minutes of running time, and some of the songs are a bit insipid. "Why are there so many songs about rainbows?" I don't fucking know, but you're not helping by wailing another one out are you, you great green turd? Jesus. And when you've seen one cameo from a late '70s American comedian, well, you've seen them all. And in this film I think you actually do see them all. Most of them aren't even funny, they're just desperate to jump on the Muppet bandwagon, the pathetic bastards.

Worst of all, I'm only in The Muppet Movie for a few minutes, meeping about with that slapheaded twat Bunsen as usual. He drives me round the fucking bend. After that scene I get shoved to the back of the crowd as usual while the frog, bear and pig hog all the action. They make me sick.
Anyway, never mind. There are five more of these films, plus a brand new one next year so I'm hoping I get a bit more of a look in further down the line. If not I might just shove a whole jar of Bunsen's insta-grow tablets up his arse just to see if he pops, the short-sighted tit.

B x


  1. Beaker: What is green and goes red at the flick of a switch?
    Bunsen: Kermit in a liquidiser.

    Latest headline from Hollywood Reporter. Kermit has caught swine flu after improper advances by Miss Piggy who got her ideas from studying frog spawn.

  2. I might have to get in on this BlogalongaMuppets thing.

    I'm not writing any fucking songs, though.

  3. You just shat on my childhood.

  4. Yup. You're definitely a muppet.