Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Why Ryan Gosling Is The Greatest Human Being Alive Right Now

I think it's fair to say, on behalf of all rampantly heterosexual males, that we would all go gay for Ryan Gosling in a heartbeat. I know men who do nothing but drink beer, watch football and shag women 24/7 but when I show them the trailer for Drive they immediately start talking about what a delight it would be to share a soapy shower with The Gozbox and how willing they would be to pick up the soap in the event that it slipped out of Ryan's manly hands, and who can blame them? The man's a god.

If you're yet to have your eyes opened to the glory of Gos, then let me be your guide for the next few minutes. If you're not in the process of constructing a shrine to him by the end of this post then you're either dead inside or in denial.

He's bloody good at his job
I could just list all of Gosling's performances as reasons he's amazing, but his dual role in the heartbreakingly beautiful and brutal Blue Valentine as Dean, a man at both ends of a doomed relationship, is the most mesmerising. He's also sympathetic and convincing (without looking like a nutter) as a man in love with a sex doll in Lars And The Real Girl, he's the best thing about the woeful Fracture and the forthcoming Crazy, Stupid, Love and he's effortlessly cool in Drive. I could go on, but the thing to do would just be to add his entire filmography to your Lovefilm list.

He's got magic hands
In preparation for The Notebook, Ryan built a kitchen table which was used on set. He restored the car he drives in Drive himself. If you left him alone in a forest for a day he could build you a fully furnished log cabin and a boat to sail across the lake in. In fact he could probably build the lake too.

He knows how to spot a turkey
create an avatar
With days to go before filming began on Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, Gosling - having piled on a few pounds and bearded up for the role of Jack Salmon - suddenly left the production, citing the age difference between himself and his character as his reason for bailing. "In fact I left because it became clear I was staring down the barrel of a 32 percenter on Rotten Tomatoes", Ryan never actually said out loud.

On September 23rd, he will own UK cinemas
Not literally, you understand. Although maybe he will, I'm not privy to his spending plans so if he is about to purchase a few British picture houses I'd be none the wiser. What I mean is that he's got two films coming out on the same day, Drive and Crazy, Stupid, Love, and he's fantastic in both. Furthermore, just a month later he's in George Clooney's political drama The Ides Of March, being all political and handsome. It's interesting that this seems like a treat, whereas Jude Law's forthcoming dominance of late 2011 box office just feels like a chore.

He knows how to wear an incredible suit
While mooching about in Cannes earlier this year, Gozzles managed to look every inch the stud muffin by sporting two beautiful tuxedos - one maroon, one blue, none of your black or white thanks - and what appeared to be his pyjamas but was in fact just a 1940s-esque beach shirt. It's rumoured that every lady - and one or two gentlemen - he looked at while in Cannes fell pregnant as a result.

For more on Ryan's duds, you could do a lot worse than check out this splendid piece at Mr Porter.

He has intimate knowledge of
Sandra Bullock's breasts and vagina
In 2002 RyGoz met Sandra Bullock on the set of Hitchcockian thriller Murder By Numbers and embarked on a year-long romance with her. He was 22, she was 38. The mind boggles at all the things she must have taught him, the jammy bastard.

He does a lot of work for charidee
As well as being involved with the Enough Project, whose modest aim is to end genocide and crimes against humanity, Gozboz has raised awareness of the Darfur crisis by wearing a t-shirt with "darfur" on it. You too can now buy an identical shirt if you think it will make you look like Ryan Gosling, although you may have missed the point.

He's in a band and they're good
Dead Man's Bones - 'In The Room Where You Sleep'

Gosling's ethereal folky band Dead Man's Bones is that rare actor / musician project - one that's not ear-rapingly shit. The band's self-imposed Dogme-esque rules result in endearingly shambolic and spooky tales of ghosts and monsters that sound like Arcade Fire playing a gig in a Mexican graveyard on the Day Of The Dead.

*submits paragraph to Q Magazine, awaits cheque*

He broke the Ryanometer
A while ago I invented the Ryanometer, a device designed to scientifically calculate and compare the amazitude of the world's two greatest Ryans, Gosling and Reynolds. When Buried came out it was a close-run thing, but thanks to the unparalleled awfulness of Green Lantern and the triple-whammy of Blue Valentine, Drive and Crazy, Stupid, Love, the Ryanometer now lies shattered and irreparable at my feet.

He's a real life hero
"The guy from The Notebook" recently made headlines by apparently breaking up a street brawl in New York, which immediately conjures images of him wading in with a hammer and meting out some Drive-style justice. Sadly the truth, as captured by an excitable young lady on her phone, more resembles an off-duty sailor interrupting a squabble between two toddlers. Still, SWOON.


  1. You are extremely gay, or wonderfully in touch with your feminine side. You big gay bear you.

    In any case, I'm bi anyway, and I definitely would. After watching my girlfriend go on him.

  2. All the straight men know Gosling would get it.

  3. "add his entire filmography to your Lovefilm list" - surely other film rental lists are available!

  4. All this from a man whose surname means 'baby goose'.

  5. any clue who designed the BLUE SUIT he wears when they go shopping in crazy stupid love?? ive looked all over the net and cant find any info on it ;(