Tuesday 10 November 2009

James Bond In A Nappy In Outer Space

When The Incredible Suit was several sizes smaller, it was customary to watch anything that starred Harrison Ford, based entirely on the premise that Han Solo or Indiana Jones in any film would still be Han Solo or Indiana Jones. I probably would have watched Gardener’s World if Indy had been in it up to his elbows in geraniums.

Likewise with various other childhood heroes; James Bond in a nappy in outer space? I’m there. Marty McFly coked up to his eyeballs? Yes please. Even now I’ll watch Daniel Craig in pretty much anything, because all these guys have that certain something few film stars have: a charisma that’s carried over from their defining roles and keeps you coming back for more in the absence of another Star Wars / Bond / Back To The Future film.

So what the hell is Pierce Brosnan playing at?

Here’s a man who was so cool as 007 that projectors literally* froze when the film ran through them. Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, and he always wore an incredible suit.

But Brosnan has spectacularly failed to capitalise on his Bond success in just about every film he’s been in since he bungee jumped off that dam in GoldenEye. I only watched The Thomas Crown Affair and The Tailor Of Panama because he was in them, and they were duller than a trip to the Cumberland Pencil Museum. I didn’t expect him to be James Bond, I just thought his presence signified quality. I thought wrong.

Things haven’t improved; here are IMDb’s synopses of three upcoming Brosnan films:

The Greatest: Drama centred around a troubled teenage girl and a family trying to get over the loss of their son.” Sounds great. Can I bring a book?

Remember Me: Drama centred on two lovers whose relationship is threatened as they cope with their respective family tragedies.” I actually died of boredom in the middle of that sentence and had to be resuscitated with a direct injection of GoldenEye into my spine.

Vanilla Gorilla: An albino gorilla in captivity uses sign language to communicate his plight to a little girl, setting in motion an international escape plan.” What? An albino gorilla? Did someone make this up playing Balderdash? Here’s a more sensible plot: “A shy carrot comes out of his shell when a dying telephone catapults him into another dimension populated by unicycling gherkins.”

The Broz-man’s next big flick is Percy Jackson & The Olympians, in which a boy discovers his Dad is Poseidon and subsequently gets involved in all kinds of mythical and legendary shenanigery. Brosnan plays Chiron, Percy’s immortal mentor. It looks OK, although it does feel a bit like someone’s desperately scrabbling around for the next Harry Potter.

So be warned, Brozzo; if Percy Jackson turns out to be less than Olympian, your future might lie with George Lazenby’s in convention hell. Act now – literally!

Mamma Mia! (2008)

*Not literally in the literal sense of the word

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