Friday, 11 September 2009

Puffed-Up Farthog

Pop quiz, hotshots! There's a blog on the internet. Once the posts go over 50, the blog is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?!

Well viewers, don’t panic, because a) I’m not a maniac bomber with a gammy hand overacting myself silly, and b) the post count is unlikely to drop below 50 unless I have a mental breakdown and remove the blog altogether, in which case there’s no chance of it blowing up. So I’ve saved the day!

All this apparently meaningless drivel is intended to point out that this is The Incredible Suit’s 50th post, and all of us here* are celebrating with a methuselah of champagne.** Why not have a glass yourself and reflect on the last half-century of Incredibility?***

So Empire Magazine have announced their regular waste-of-time-and-space poll to find the 100 Sexiest Movie Stars, Like, Ever. Personally I think celebrating the sexiness of people you don’t know seems a bit pointless. I mean, the winner of 2007’s poll was Angelina Jolie. Now she might look sexy with her unfeasibly inflated lips and that, but what if she suffers from unstoppable flatulence? What if she quacks off at the dinner table in front of your parents? Is that sexy? Is it a turn on if, upon removing her nethergarments, she reveals a whopping skidmark caused by her incessant bottom burpage?

So I’m turning this populist carnival of shallow on its head and introducing a poll to discover the ugliest movie star in existence. Now I realise my own rules can equally be applied to mingers – maybe they’re just ugly on the outside but beautiful, caring souls with hearts of gold under that repulsive surface. But if Empire can make a song and dance of being superficial, so can I.

Here, then, are The Incredible Suit’s six movie stars who were beaten the most with the ugly stick, then kicked with the ugly boot and finally pushed down the ugly stairs to land in a heap of ugly on the ugly floor. The cackling irony, of course, is that all these fuglybugs will be in Empire’s sexy list. Still, one man’s Angelina Jolie is another man’s puffed-up farthog. And yes, I realise I’m no Zooey Deschanel myself, that’s why I put my words on the interwebs and not my fizzog.

So who’s your munter of the year? Vote now! Or, vote later.

Russell Crowe
Desperate to play the lead in Justin Lee Collins: The Movie

Uma Thurman
All the features of a traditional beauty, but placed slightly too far apart

Vincent Cassel
What happens when your face hates you

Sarah Jessica Parker
She so ugly, when she born, doctor slap her momma!

Daniel Craig
Obviously Daniel’s ace, but just, y’know… an ace potato head

Paris Hilton
Actually I think she is ugly on the inside

* Just me
** A cup of tea
*** Because you’re not a raging loser, I imagine

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  1. Speed - Die Hard on a Bus or in your case Die Hard on a Blog, or even on the Bog if the bus has one. Meanwhile I'll have a Krispy Kreme while I study all those mug shots. I'll be back.

  2. i fancy paris hilton....i have issues

  3. I've seen Sarah Jessica-Parker in the flesh in the front row of a show during NY Fashion Week while working for L!VEtv. She was her Sex In The City character in real life. Like Barbara Streisand she has a quirky beauty. By chance I was watching Uma in Kill Bill pt1 just before I logged the suit blog. As a kid Sophia Loren gave me wet dreams (go to bed with problem on mind, wake up with solution on stomach).

  4. Byron, you certainly do have issues. I prescribe a day staring at Zooey Deschanel. That should sort it.

    Tony, Your Sophia Loren story is exactly the kind of thing the phrase "too much information" was invented for. You'll get me kicked off the interwebs at this rate!