Wednesday 15 July 2009

Fatuous Shizzle

In a recent post about the forthcoming Green Lantern movie, I wantonly displayed my staggering ignorance of the DC Comics character and no doubt lost the confidence of thousands of loyal viewers who might have otherwise come to me for information, education and entertainment about such matters. For this I can only apologise.

Fortunately, and as a direct result of my post (I expect), Empire Online has kindly posted a handy guide to Mr Lantern. You know, I’m quite enjoying the level of power this blog is bringing me. I feel like when I don The Incredible Suit I become a superhero myself, capable of commanding the puny humans of Earth to do my bidding with just a few taps on a keyboard and a pile of fatuous shizzle.

Here’s a picture of Lanto so you know what we’re dealing with:

According to Empire, much of Green Lantern’s powers come from his ring (fnerk). These include “regeneration, size manipulation, firing plasma bolts, telepathy, flight (up to the speed of light)… the ability to walk through walls… lasers, fireworks, time travel, and so on.”

Sadly the ring’s power does not seem to extend to providing a basic beam of light which would prevent its wearer from having to lug a bloody great lantern about with him everywhere he goes. I mean, you can get tiny little torches to put on your keyring these days, surely it can’t be too tricky for a piece of jewellery with the power of light speed and time travel to throw a few lumens out so Greeny can find the keyhole on his front door when he gets in? Lasers and fireworks are all very well but the neighbours aren’t going to appreciate that at all hours of the night.

Of course, I’m being facetious. Reading further down the Empire article I discover that that massive lamp is in fact a charger for the ring. I have to say, that seems equally ludicrous; with the amount of beans required to fire a plasma bolt he’ll be having to plug that thing in every half hour, and you can bet it takes longer to charge than it does to use all its juice.

Anyway these are just idle musings. With the power of my Incredible Suit I will already have prompted the makers of the movie to paper over these plot problems. What’s more troubling, and what isn’t confirmed by Empire, is the most pressing question: Is it ‘Green Lantern’ or ‘The Green Lantern’? They use both in the article and it’s left me confubulated. I suspect it’s ‘The’, as in ‘The Incredible Suit’. If it’s not it soon will be. That’s the power I wield. Oh yes.


  1. It's Green Lantern, not The Green Lantern. In the same way it is Arctic Monkeys, not The Arctic Monkeys (check their album covers if you don't believe me). I have no idea how this movie will go down with the general public, a friend of mine, who somehow knows about Green Lantern but doesn't read comics, describes him as 'risible'! This might be because despite his power ring being one of the most powerful weapons in the entire cosmos, it doesn't work against anything yellow or made of wood - seriously! So all the villains need to do is live in a tree house painted daffodil yellow and he can't touch them.

  2. I do believe you Matt, I would never dream of referring to Arctic Monkeys as The Arctic Monkeys. Imagine what that would do to my reputation.

    Martin Campbell will bash all that yellow wood nonsense out of Green Lantern don't you worry (cf Casino Royale).