Green Lantern was always going to be a hard sell. I'm sure it works fine as a comic book, but when your superhero's powers come from a ring that has to be charged by an unwieldy lantern that's bestowed upon him by a dying alien whose head looks like Red Dwarf's Kryten's bell end, you're going to need a pretty impressive script to carry it off.
But guess what? Green Lantern's script isn't pretty impressive, it's catastrophically dreadful. Earth is under threat from a giant octopus-turd-cloud-creature in space. Why? Not sure. The Green Lantern Corps, a 3,600-strong team of intergalactic rozzers, entrust the safety of Earth to cocky slacker Hal Jordan, the first human ever to be made a Green Lantern. Why? Not sure. The octopus-turd-cloud-creature uses a scientist with a big forehead to help him take over Earth. Why? Not sure. Hal asks the other Green Lanterns for help, what with there being 3,600 of them sitting on their arses watching Jeremy Kyle, but they refuse. Why? Not sure.
Fortunately Hal's ring of power enables him to conjure up any item he can think of to help him. Anything at all. His mind is the limit. Literally ANYTHING. So, instead of a giant wall around the Earth, or an even bigger octopus-turd-cloud-creature with a better attitude toward humans, Hal creates planes, guns and catapults. Why? Not sure.
It will come as a tiny spoiler but no real surprise to anyone who's seen the trailer that Hal eventually defeats the octopus-turd-cloud-creature at the end of the film by saying a nonsensical rhyme he learned 90 minutes ago. Why didn't he do that straight away? Not sure. But yes, evil is defeated via the medium of poetry recital.
Even the once-mighty Ryan Rodney Reynolds looks ashamed to be involved. His confusion at spending months in front of a green screen wearing a unitard only to come out the other end looking like a twat in a mask is palpable, and it's had terrible repercussions for him, as this updated barometer of Ryanosity demonstrates:
Combine all that bollocks with some embarrassingly clunky exposition about Hal's dead Dad, a few unintentionally ridiculous-looking aliens (one poor bastard even looks a bit like The Actor Mark Strong), a baffling cameo appearance by the stargate from Stargate in the scientist villain's HQ (which is helpfully labelled "SCIENCE BUILDING") and countless other examples of inexcusable cabbage, and it soon becomes clear that Green Lantern is probably the worst film of 2011 so far.
If you're still not convinced, here's what the Daily Star's Alan Frank thinks:
If you're incapable of understanding the basic premise of a film without tediously referring to it as "some other film with a vaguely similar plot element meets some other film with another vaguely similar plot element", despite the fact that the film you're talking about is clearly nothing like either of those other films, then you're in luck! The internets are here to tell you what to expect from Source Code.
"Groundhog Day meets Déjà Vu"
- cinemablend.com
"A mix of Inception and Groundhog Day"
- wired.com
"An intriguing Groundhog Day-style premise"
- digitalspy.co.uk
"Groundhog Day meets Twelve Monkeys sprinkled with a bit of Deja Vu"
- obsessedwithfilm.com
"Like a cross between Groundhog Day and Assassin’s Creed"
- filmonic.com
"Unstoppable meets Groundhog Day"
- upandcomers.net
"Groundhog Day-style"
-slashfilm.com
"A strange cross between Groundhog Day and Speed"
- io9.com
"Takes a bit from 12 Monkeys, a bit from Deja Vu,
a bit from Groundhog Day"
- aintitcool.com
"Groundhog Day comparisons are inevitable, but there's also something of the Twelve Monkeys about this, with just a dash of
Quantum Leap thrown in"
- totalfilm.com
I don't know about you but I feel like I'm experiencing déjà vu on Groundhog Day.
Here's a promise. If Source Code turns out to be even remotely like Groundhog Day I will literally go out, buy the biggest hat I can find, roast it in beef stock and red wine for six hours at gas mark 5, sprinkle with herbs, add a little salt and pepper and ram it up my arse.
As 2010 has been such a toilet of disappointment so far, I'm cancelling the rest of it and moving straight to 2011. I’ll allow Inception, Scott Pilgrim vs The World and Toy Story 3 in but after that it's strictly elevenses only.
The film of the TV series of the comic book of the radio serial about a masked vigilante and his kung-fu-fighting sidekick, directed by French barmlord Michel Gondry and featuring a spuffingly good cast - Christoph Waltz, Cameron Diaz and Tom Wilkinson to name but a few. Seth Rogen's in it too but you can't have everything. Very Much Looking Forward To:Danny Elfman’s version of the theme Best Minor Cast Member Name:Torin Sixx
Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and an alien on a road trip: Easiest pitch ever. It would be lazy to say “Spaced meets District 9”, but I see this as Spaced meets District 9. Stars another cast of supreme beings, including Jason Bateman, Sigourney Weaver and Kristen Wiig. Seth Rogen's in it too but you can't have everything. Also, is this the best credit ever?
Very Much Looking Forward To: Cashing in my shares in Rejuvenique Best Minor Cast Member Name (apart from Neil Hamburger):Jesse Plemons
The story of a Norse god and arrogant tit banished to Earth for starting a war could be awful if Marvel just use it to trail their superhero mash-up The Avengers (which The Incredible Suit predicts will never happen). And with Kenneth Branagh “lensing”, or “directing” as they used to call it, it sounds crazy but it might just work. At any rate it can’t be any worse than The Incredible Hulk. Can it? Very Much Looking Forward To: Some hardcore Mjolnir action Best Minor Cast Member Name:Cliff Gravel
X-Prequel in which we discover what mutant X-Chums Professor X and Magneto had such a colossal X-Strop with each other over. I think the Prof got fed up with Mags wiping all his XXX-Videotapes every time he walked in the room. Original X-Director Bryan Singer dropped out, but was replaced by Kick-Ass’Matthew Vaughn, so it might not stink. Again, only has to be better than Wolverine.
Very Much Looking Forward To: A young Jean Grey saying “c***”. Best Minor Cast Member Name: Only James McAvoy has been cast so he’ll have to do.
Ryan Rodney Reynolds stars as the Vauxhall Conference-level superhero in this tale of a pilot gifted with an infinitely powerful ring (fnerk) and Mark Strong embraces typecasting as the villain. To be honest I’m only interested because it’s directed by Martin 'Casino Royale' Campbell. Pathetic, isn’t it?
Very Much Looking Forward To: How they make the whole ‘all-powerful ring that doesn’t work against anything yellow or wooden’ thing not rubbish. Best Minor Cast Member Name: Ryan Rodney Reynolds
In a recent post about the forthcoming Green Lanternmovie, I wantonly displayed my staggering ignorance of the DC Comics character and no doubt lost the confidence of thousands of loyal viewers who might have otherwise come to me for information, education and entertainment about such matters. For this I can only apologise.
Fortunately, and as a direct result of my post (I expect), Empire Online has kindly posted a handy guide to Mr Lantern. You know, I’m quite enjoying the level of power this blog is bringing me. I feel like when I don The Incredible Suit I become a superhero myself, capable of commanding the puny humans of Earth to do my bidding with just a few taps on a keyboard and a pile of fatuous shizzle.
Here’s a picture of Lanto so you know what we’re dealing with:
According to Empire, much of Green Lantern’s powers come from his ring (fnerk). These include “regeneration, size manipulation, firing plasma bolts, telepathy, flight (up to the speed of light)… the ability to walk through walls… lasers, fireworks, time travel, and so on.”
Sadly the ring’s power does not seem to extend to providing a basic beam of light which would prevent its wearer from having to lug a bloody great lantern about with him everywhere he goes. I mean, you can get tiny little torches to put on your keyring these days, surely it can’t be too tricky for a piece of jewellery with the power of light speed and time travel to throw a few lumens out so Greeny can find the keyhole on his front door when he gets in? Lasers and fireworks are all very well but the neighbours aren’t going to appreciate that at all hours of the night.
Of course, I’m being facetious. Reading further down the Empire article I discover that that massive lamp is in fact a charger for the ring. I have to say, that seems equally ludicrous; with the amount of beans required to fire a plasma bolt he’ll be having to plug that thing in every half hour, and you can bet it takes longer to charge than it does to use all its juice.
Anyway these are just idle musings. With the power of my Incredible Suit I will already have prompted the makers of the movie to paper over these plot problems. What’s more troubling, and what isn’t confirmed by Empire, is the most pressing question: Is it ‘Green Lantern’ or ‘The Green Lantern’? They use both in the article and it’s left me confubulated. I suspect it’s ‘The’, as in ‘The Incredible Suit’. If it’s not it soon will be. That’s the power I wield. Oh yes.
Another day, another super-hero film on the way. Today it’s Green Lantern, and the news that’s just parped out is that Ryan Reynolds is to be cast in the title role.
Reynolds does not feature in my book of Bad Actors, but he does appear in my much smaller book of Actors Who’ve Played Characters With Atypical Names. Ryan’s entry in this book includes such gems as Jay ‘Boom’ DeBoom, Bobby Rupp, Paul Nodel, Henry Lipschitz, Captain Excellent, and Kevin. Could it be that Ryan’s choice of characters is based on the fact that his middle name is Rodney? Ryan, I know you’re reading this, let me know.
But I digress. This post is not about Ryan Rodney Reynolds’ daft character monikers, nor is it about the Green Lantern movie, although it’s worth looking forward to because it’s a DC Comics property and it’s directed by Martin Campbell (GoldenEye, Casino Royale). I know precious little about Green Lantern as a character so I’ll leave all that business to sites run by those who know their mustard and are already getting their grundies in a twizzle over the casting of Triple R.
No, this post is about my hope that, because of Reynolds’ new job, the mooted Deadpoolmovie he was due to star in will be unceremoniously shunted to the arse end of the list of movies to be made in the next century.
For those in the dark, Deadpool was a character in the crapmungous X-Menspin-off X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and was due his own spin-off for no obvious reason, least of all that anybody actually wants to see a Deadpool movie. So this spin-off of a spin-off has hopefully spun off into the spin-dryer of bad ideas, never to spin anywhere again.
I mean really, why bother in the first place? Let’s take a cursory glance at a random selection of all-time classic films featuring characters from other, almost universally better, movies. For the sake of impartiality I’ll include each film’s rating out of 10 according to readers of the Internet Movie Database, my personal bible.
So, having studied these figures carefully, the powers that be decided that what the world really needs is a spin-off of a spin-off, which brings us back to Deadpool. Let’s hope that it remains unmade because the only benefit to mankind I can envisage would be my capsule review, which would be: “Dead Poo, more like”.
According to Empire, much of Green Lantern’s powers come from his ring (fnerk). These include “regeneration, size manipulation, firing plasma bolts, telepathy, flight (up to the speed of light)… the ability to walk through walls… lasers, fireworks, time travel, and so on.”