Friday, 3 July 2009

Daniel Craig Needs Tighter Speedos

You can’t open the virtual pages of the interwebs these days without reading about another evil soldier of Beelzebub planning to remake a perfectly good film that needs remaking about as much as Daniel Craig needs tighter Speedos.

It used to make me quite cross but now when I read these stories I just sigh and throw a half-hearted punch at the nearest person to alleviate my mounting apathy. The irony of remaking movies is that they rouse the ire of bloglodytes and forum-dwellers the world over, forcing them to spew out their own remakes of posts they’ve written several times already, except with more exclamation marks and ‘O’s than in the original “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!”

This week alone my sensibilities have been offended by forthcoming remakes / reboots / re-imaginings / re-configurations / revisits / rehashes / retardations of classic ‘80s horror-comedy (I’m trying to coin the term ‘horredy’ but nobody’s having any of it) An American Werewolf In London, and Swedish kiddy-vampire flick Let The Right One In. Which, I hasten to add, was released about ten minutes ago.

Now I might be going out on a controversial limb here, but it seems a trifle hasty to be remaking a film that hasn’t even finished its cinema run yet, wouldn’t you say? It’s really only a matter of time before these remakes start turning up before their original counterparts. They could be called ‘retro-makes’, and people could get all their anger and bile out of the way before they’re then ‘originalised’, and everybody will be happy that the retro-director’s vision has been unsullied and the spirit of the first film yanked harshly out of a stinky cesspit to be polished off as a shiny, new, original work of art.

So just to be obstreperous (one of many things my old history teacher used to call me), and with everyone crying vinegar from their blub-holes about how there are no good remakes, The Incredible Suit takes Hollywood’s side and pulls from its incredible sleeves the Top 5 Greatest Re-Whatevers, Like, Ever:

1. Moulin Rouge! (1952 < 2001)
2. Casino Royale (1967 < 2006)
3. Batman Begins (1997 < 2005)
4. Star Trek (2002 < 2009)
5. King Kong (1933 > 2005)

Actually King Kong doesn’t count because it’s not as good as the original. Which, in effect, means there are only four decent re-somethings in the entire movieverse. The bloglodytes and forum-dwellers were right all along! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!


  1. very difficult choice. quite obviously moulin rouge is the best film in the list but is the only one i have not seen both versions. i'll grudgingly go for my second choice based on which is the most improved version ...

  2. Satine, you make a valid point. Best film from the list or best improvement on the original? I'll leave it up to the viewers to decide, but my vote lies in the latter department. Which is next to the lingerie department.

  3. Hello old boy. Key point about three of your list - Batman, James Bond, Star Trek. These are pop culture icons which have been in almost constant renewal since their creation (Batman since 1939!!) through monthly comics, weekly tv shows, books etc. Their very existence is elastic and means they can be (indeed, HAVE to be) re-invented constantly. Batman & Robin is a shocking film but because Batman the character keeps going with an ever-changing list of writers/artists/stories in his comic book form, eventually a new flavour can be found. I've got to say, as a Batman fan, The Dark Knight is the very best version of a comic book character put on screen.
    Re-makes of films such as King Kong or American Werewolf in London are trickier because there is only one point of reference to jump off from, so there is less wriggle room for the writer/director to work with and so will almost always end up upsetting fans of the original.