Friday 20 August 2010


"Who is Salt?", we have been continuously asked on movie posters across the land, under which the words "Angelina Jolie" appear, thus bringing a swift and satisfying conclusion to this brief conundrum.


Sadly the film of Salt takes considerably longer to answer the question, and it concludes that Salt is:
  • A woman who is incapable of kicking anyone without first running half way up a wall
  • A woman who works for the CIA, who interrogate defectors using an amazing device which can detect both lies and cancer
  • A woman who lives in a world where windows are used as exits more often than doors, and are glazed with that magic movie glass that shatters at the slightest impact but doesn't leave a single mark on anyone passing through it
  • A woman whose life is like an entire series of 24 condensed into 100 minutes
  • A woman who tediously sets herself up for a franchise despite making only an average movie
  • A woman. I know this because I saw a BBC interview where Angelina Jolie said: "I've done a lot of action films as a woman"

I can't help but think that Sony have missed a marketing trick with the poster though, so I decided to help them out:

Bonus LOL: The IMDb Parents' Guide can always be relied on to provide over-zealous profanity warnings:
It's true, she does say "Dorn", in a scene in which she spots Michael Dorn, the actor who plays Worf in Star Trek.

To have a guess at who Salt is, click here


  1. Didn't she win a Golden Ticket?

  2. Jo, so near yet so far.

    kinnemaniac, correct. In another, better film.

    Mark, meh.

  3. I'm more interested in how Angelina seems to be slowly morphing into a siamese cat in the first photo. Oh shit... have I just ruined the twist ending for anyone reading.

  4. such a mediocre film, yet you are right, the franchise angle was played large. angelina has a timeless beauty, but her face almost looks fake these days, and seems more gaunt. she needs to get back some curves, and some extra pounds wouldn't hurt her in the slightest. getting older could be part of the reason, but jesus, she's only 35. imagine angie with a little pot belly and some junk in the trunk. i say it would be sexier than you could possibly imagine.

  5. SALT is a
    Spartan Alexander Lara True woman.

  6. I'm not sure what "junk in the trunk" means but I'm going to use it the next time I meet a lovely lady and see what happens.

  7. I'd slap you, it means a fat arse.

  8. Anon, AJ might be improved upon with less gauntness but it wouldn't improve her film. Not sure what Salt was meant to be but it seemed to take itself seriously so I assume it wasn't meant to be some homage to a comic book character but it definitely wasn't a Bourne or the Bond she reputedly wanted to be. Even the supposed reference to Tom Cruise in her disguise (since he was meant to get the part I understand) was laughable. Grrr.

  9. Anybody think Ange looks like Rita from Series 3 of Arrested Development when running around with blonde hair in the tea cosy hat?

    It is Rita, from wee Eng-er-land.