Friday 13 August 2010

The Incredible Suit's Largely Unpopular But Firmly Held Opinions

Recently, Twitter folk indulged in a spot of self-flagellation by fessing up to their most embarrassing thoughts about the world of movies. Annoyingly, this came as I was about to launch a new feature cumbersomely entitled "The Incredible Suit's Largely Unpopular But Firmly Held Opinions", in which I would drive readers away in their trillions by sharing some thoughts that only a select few other misunderstood geniuses might share.

Undeterred by the understandable misapprehension that I get all my ideas from Twitter, I've decided to blunder ahead anyway with what could conceivably get me the most hate mail so far. Alternatively, it might convince other minority groups to come out of the closet of shame and shelter under The Incredible Suit's umbrella of tolerance from the rain of derision and the howling wind of ridicule. It's not a very big umbrella though so some of you might get wet.

The Incredible Suit's Largely Unpopular
But Firmly Held Opinion #1.1:

It's fair to say that as a singer, Bruce Willis makes a good bartender, and his writing skillz are limited - of the ten tracks on The Return Of Bruno, nine are covers, and the chorus of the one he co-wrote goes "Why not / I'm hot / Jackpot / Tonight". Still, it's the aural equivalent of Willis' late-'80s smug, fun-loving, smirking persona, and if I wasn't watching Moonlighting when I was thirteen I was probably listening to a bit of Bruce.

The Return Of Bruno was, improbably, a concept album with an accompanying mockumentary about the rise and fall of Bruno Radolini (Willis), a Gumpesque figure present at the centre of almost every musical movement since the '60s. Willis even managed to drag the likes of Michael J Fox, Elton John and Ringo Starr along to be in the film (Starr: "If it hadn't been for Bruno there would have been no Beatles"). The whole package was shambolically awful but disarmingly charming, and it largely appealed to me because Willis subtitled the track Secret Agent Man with (James Bond Is Back), possibly in a vain (in many ways) attempt to get it onto the titles of the imminent Bond film The Living Daylights.

The Incredible Suit's Largely Unpopular
But Firmly Held Opinion #1.2:

The appallingly-titled If It Don't Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger loses some of the self-knowing charm of Bruno but still rocked out with its cock out on parent-torturing noisegasms like Turn It Up (A Little Louder) and the bluesy swagger of Here Comes Trouble Again. It's difficult to know what to make of the album's cover, though: has Willis just smugly slaughtered a bus full of schoolchildren and is now smirkingly lugging their dismembered bodies home in a huge suitcase? Possibly.

To back up my case, here's the great man duetting with one of The Pointer Sisters on a cover of Respect Yourself. It's musical Marmite, but anyone who's ever attempted the crap pool-table-straddling move at 1:18 will know exactly where I'm coming from.

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  1. In the cold light of day the Willis wailing will die hard in the tomb of the expendables not even getting the marmite test.

    The opposite of love is not hate, it is indiference. My sixth sense tells me nobody will care what you think of Bawling Bruce one way or the other.

  2. Oh god, I owned The Return of Bruno when I was a nipper. And I do agree it was good. Thank you for the reminder of my childhood shame. This is where I admit I own TWO Russell Crowe albums as well...

  3. The only Willis singing I like is the stuff in Hudson Hawk.

  4. All I'm saying is Bruce is no Seagal when it comes to action stars musical side projects.

    Also - I've gotta get me some of those Wholesale Burberry Hats!

  5. If that's Musical Marmite it's much better than a nutritious savoury spread that contains B vitamins, enjoyable in a sandwich, on toast, bread or even as a cooking ingredient. Not sure I'd want it repeating on me though.

  6. It repeats on me all the time. I think there might be something wrong with my CD player.

  7. Geez, I thought I'd heard the last of these albums Mr Suit :)