Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Silence, Pipsqueak!

The Earth stopped rotating for a brief moment earlier today when this newsparp was uncorked: there’s going to be a new National Lampoon’s Vacation movie.

Remember the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies? Not very good were they? There were about four of them and some more that were made for TV (that’s how good they were), and were a showcase for the great Chevy Chase to hide his comedy talent behind a big wall made of humourless bricks, held together with papier mache made from old Christmas cracker jokes and Russ Abbot's saliva.

The hilarity-free premise is that the new films will centre on Chase’s character’s son Rusty Griswold, and Empire reports that “there will reportedly be "room" for Chase and his screen wife Beverly D'Angelo to appear as the Griswold grandparents.” I’m not sure why the word ‘room’ is in quotes; perhaps it’s a get-out clause whereby they can later say “when we said ‘room’, we obviously meant ‘absolutely no chance in Hell.’”

So how does a non-idea like this come about? Well, you may be surprised to hear that The Incredible Suit has eyes and ears all over the movie industry, and I can exclusively bring you the transcript of the very meeting in which this winnit of an idea was untangled from the bum hairs of Hollywood:

An impoverished screenwriter enters the office of a studio bignob, and is forced to spend the duration of the meeting on his knees. He is forbidden from looking the bignob in the eye (if you’ll forgive the expression).

Screenwriter: “Please sir, I’ve cobbled together a script for a comedy. It’s a bit like those National Lampoon’s Vacation films, only not as good. In fact it’s rubbish.”

Bignob: “Silence, pipsqueak! Leave it to me, we’ll slap the National Lampoon name on it, offer Chevy Chase a one-scene cameo – he’ll take anything these days – and people will flock to see it like idiot sheep attending an idiot sheep convention!”

Screenwriter: “Oh, sir, what a splendid idea! It’ll make a fortune and I can finally buy some shoes!”

Bignob: “Silence, pipsqueak! I’ll be the one trousering the cash, thankyou! Now bugger off back to your one-room bedsit with the bucket-toilet. Your rats must need feeding.”

And with that the screenwriter shuffles backwards on his knees out of the office, keeping his head bowed. As he is ejected onto the street by a burly security guard, a single tear falls from his filthy face onto his bare foot. It’s the only wash he can afford.

So, when the new National Lampoon’s Vacation movie comes out, do make sure you go and see it, for your hard-earned cash will keep the wheels of Hollywood greased and turning so that more films of this quality can be made. Hooray!

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