Monday 12 October 2009


It’s at least twelve minutes since my last post about what the 23rd Bond film, Blood And Thunder (title to be confirmed*) should be like, so I thought I’d allow you another brief peek into my nogginboggle because I know how crucial this is to your wellbeing.

Someone said, at some point, in some place or other (sorry to be so painfully specific), that Q and Miss Moneypenny should return in the next film, having been absent since Die Another Day, in which John Cleese was alright but a bit grumpy as Q and Samantha Bond, as Moneypenny, took part in a colossally misjudged virtual reality sex scene with James Bond which almost single-handedly killed the franchise for the next four years, although it had plenty of help from the INVISIBLE BLOODY CAR!!

Anyway, before we start thinking about a new Q and Moneypenny, can we please get rid of Judi “Dame Judi Dench” Dench as M, preferably in a pre-title sequence in which she’s bumped off by the bad guy (Vincent Cassel, with any luck), thereby setting Bond off on revenge and immediately putting him at odds with the new M. Speaking of which…

The new M should be a man. An old bugger who Bond immediately dislikes but grows to respect and admire over the course of the film, so that by the time the credits roll you believe he’d actually die for him. A bit like how you lot feel about The Incredible Suit. That’s the M of the books, and that’s what Daniel Craig’s Bond needs.

M needs to be played by a recognisable actor who looks like a scary headmaster, and should be sufficiently old and weatherbeaten, but not so ancient that he might cark it before the 24th film. The Incredible Suit’s shortlist is (click the pic to embigulise):

Having carefully studied their mugs, I think I’d have to plump for Bernard Hill, because he has the face of a salty old sea dog who hates everybody, or David Warner, who looks like he might fire lightning from his fingertips if a minion ever dared to question his orders. Which is in fact what he did in Time Bandits, so at least he’s got that on his CV.

Next week I’ll bleat like an attention-seeking lamb about who should play Q and Miss Moneypenny, and I’ll start my campaign to get her renamed Miss Funnyfanny, like in the woefully unhilarious ‘Basildon Bond’ sketches from The Russ Abbot Show. If you genuinely find this funny I will personally pay for your psychiatric treatment:

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*i.e. I made it up.


  1. Aw, c'mon! Luke Bachenanger? You've gotta love that!?
    (Be careful what you promise to pay for, Suit... I could cost you a small fortune...)

  2. Well you would like it Russ, you're biased. Not sure Bella Emberg was all that impressed though.

  3. I'd die for you Mr Incredible Suit.

  4. Get her insured!