Two upcoming sure-fire blockbusting megabastards have released their first official images this week, and one of them is a very good example of how this kind of thing should be done. And one of them is Footloose.
Craig Brewer, director of the remake nobody asked for (no, not The Thing. Or Brighton Rock. Or The Birds. etc), has released the first still from his version of inexplicably popular '80s Bacon roll Footloose, and frankly it takes the piss like an industrial vacuum cleaner attached to your cock.
Now it's one thing to release the most boring shot from your film as the first 'official' image - even the Harry Potter films aren't afraid of doing that - but it's another thing entirely to just release a photo of that image on your telly, even if it does feature the majesty of The Quaid in full glower.
Of course the real reason behind this is so that when Footloose inevitably sinks like a puppy on Boxing Day, Brewer has the ultimate get-out clause:
The man's clearly a genius.
At the other, dare I say, shitloads better, end of the scale, comes this:
Who remembers that Footloose remake that was supposed to be happening?
Attentive viewers will recall The Incredible Suit's groundbreaking 2011 preview, and in particular my mounting excitement about Attack The Block, the directorial debut (if you don't count the odd TV show and music video) of Joe Cornish, the taller, less hairy half of Adam & Joe, officially the funniest living organisms on Earth.
Furthermore, those of you who have been unfortunate enough to read more than a handful of my posts will be aware of my love for Joe's theme song for Quantum Of Solace, which came about as a result of Song Wars, a feature on Adam & Joe's 6 Music radio show.
Given this embarrassing amount of fawning obsequiousness, and the fact that Mr Cornish is busy working on Attack The Block, The Adventures Of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn and Marvel's forthcoming Ant-Man (the latter two as writer), nobody was more surprised than The Incredible Suit when he a) agreed to answer some preposterously inane questions I posed him, and b) didn't have me arrested and put under a restraining order. Although there's still time for that.
Hello Joe. I’m a little starstruck and don’t quite know what to ask. What do you think would be a good first question?
Any question but that one. That just instantly flips all the work onto me, and the interview’s only just begun. How dare you. Jesus, this interview has got off to a really awkward and embarrassing start.
Oh dear. Um... OK, I've got one. You’re that bloke off the telly and the radio. What are you playing at directing a big budget movie like Attack The Block?
Every British citizen is allowed to direct one film each during their lifetime. It’s like Jury service. You get notified by post.
What stage is the production at? Is it too late to give a small role to a witty and handsome film blogger? I’m talking about me.
It’s not a stage production, it’s a film. And I couldn’t hear the second part of the question. A plane went over.
Really? I didn't hear it. When can we expect Attack The Block to arrive in cinemas? I’m a bit bored of waiting tbh.
Listen Mister Incredible Suit, I didn’t tell you to camp out in a sleeping bag in Leicester Square until the film comes out. You made that choice yourself. So don’t blame me if you’re bored waiting.
Edgar Wright keeps banging on about how tired he is making Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Are you getting enough sleep? I’m worried about you.
Unfortunately Edgar’s being stalked by Freddy Krueger in his dreams (the original one, not the one from the remake), so he can’t go to sleep for personal safety reasons. Dennis Quaid is currently using my dreams to get to the bottom of some kind of global dream-warfare conspiracy, so it’s important that I sleep for as long as possible every night. That’s just how the cookie happens to crumble.
You're appealing to my love of The Quaid there so I don't ask you any difficult questions. Good tactic. Presumably you’ll be recording a theme song for Attack The Block in the ‘Song Wars’ style, yes?
It may yet come to that.
You’ve been working with Steven Spielberg on The Adventures Of Tintin. I hope you had a word with him about Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.
Sorry. There’s another plane going over. Really loud. Must be one of those new double decker ones. Sorry.
Hmm. Can you tell me anything about Attack The Block, Tintin or Ant-Man that nobody else knows? Some kind of exclusive would be great for my rep.
Christ, it’s circling. So sorry.
Oh for heaven's sake. OK, here's an easier one. You and Adam are back on 6 Music this weekend at Glastonbury, which is the best news, like, ever. When do you expect to be back for good? My train journeys are filled with gloom and despondency now that I don’t have the podcast.
We’ll be back on 6 Music as soon as we can, if they’ll have us. I have to finish the film first, then I might take a bit of a holiday. Would that be okay? Where do you think I should go? But I reckon we’ll be back in one way or another before the end of the year. Thank you for caring.
You're welcome. Try Rhyl. What’s your favourite colour?
Blue Peter.
Good choice. Finally, could you just say something concise, witty and complimentary about The Incredible Suit which I can quote as if it was an off-the-cuff comment you made down the pub one day?
“I love the way The Incredible Suit is a blog about movies by a man.”
That'll do I suppose. You may go now. Thanks a million!
Thank YOU The Incredible Suit, it’s been a great honour. I enjoy your blog a lot. It’s funny. Bye!
So there you go. To briefly summarise the amazing scoops in there that you won't find ANYWHERE ELSE:
Joe Cornish has a nocturnal mental hotline to The Quaid
Joe Cornish can almost certainly be found at Rhyl Sun Centre later this year
Joe Cornish spends a lot of time under a suspiciously busy flight path
The Incredible Suit can also exclusively reveal that Joe Cornish is much taller than he sounds on the radio.
I watched Dreamscape recently, the forgotten 1984 low fat sci-fi / horror (contains 98% less horror than the leading brand) starring The Quaid as a cocky young punk with the ability to enter people's dreams. I thought I'd better watch it because I talked about it being quite good in this post, despite not actually having seen it for about 20 years. I'm happy to report that it wasn't entirely awful, although The Quaid's hair is the real stuff of nightmares.
What struck me more than anything, however, was what I think might be the least special feature ever committed to a DVD. Clearly embarrassed by the dearth of anything interesting on the disc, somebody has cobbled together a 13-second compilation of clips and bunged it on the Special Features menu with the title "THINGS THAT MAKE YOU JUMP!"
No doubt you have already soiled yourself with fear just thinking about the terrors that lie within. Well just for you I braved this frightsplosion of scaregasms, and barely came through it with my sanity. Here, if you think you can take it, are some of the most blood-curdling, bone-chilling horrors to which my eyeballs bore witness:
“The Incredible Suit”, I hear you cry, “I loved your post about casting Bernard Hill or David Warner as M in the next James Bond film, but I just don’t know who should play Q! Please help!” Well, stop crying you big babies, it’s not becoming. But since you ask…
Let’s see. We could go one of several ways with Q:
a) Make him the same curmudgeonly lovable old goat Desmond Llewellyn played him as, which would be silly in this whole ‘reboot’ stage we’re in. However if it has to be done like that, let’s have someone curmudgeonly, lovable and goatesque like Bill Nighy.
b) Make him a bit younger, closer to Bond’s age, and a bit geeky as he’s a technology nerd. In which case go for someone like David Morrissey.
c) Make him a lot younger, twentysomething in fact, someone who knows all about the latest technology, someone who’s excited by his work and eager to see how it plays out in the field, but takes the piss out of Bond for not being nearly as geekazoidal as he is. This approach would gain The IncredibleSuit’s endorsement, and I vote for Noel Clarke in the role.
***Official Warning: On no account is David Tennant to be linked with the role of Q***
So this new Bond film is shaping up quite nicely in my mentally deranged fantasy world. It looks like it could be an absolute corker; it’s just a shame that you’ll only be able to see it by entering my dreams like Dennis Quaid in Dreamscape. Admission is £8.00, please don’t drop any popcorn in my cerebral cortex, it’s a bugger to pick out.
Now watch this. It’s nearly ten years since Desmond Llewelyn sat in the ejector seat of life and popped through the roof into the great R&D lab in the sky. The Incredible Suit gives you permission to resume crying like a baby.
A few days ago I tried to share with the world my respect and admiration for Dennis Quaid, but for reasons I don’t fully understand it swiftly turned into an ugly rant against Mary Jane Watson from the Spider-Man movies. Well you’ll be pleased to know I’ve got that out of my system and I find myself in a much happier place. Quaidland.
“The Quaid”, as I expect he likes to be known, is a legendary actor of great likeability, vast talent and cheeky dimples. Sadly it’s been his misfortune to appear in some utter bum chutney over the years. I don’t know why this is; perhaps his agent is a mallard or a wombat or some other creature incapable of identifying a good script.
Part of The Quaid’s problem is that he’s very similar to Harrison Ford in appearance and demeanour, and he had the hard cheese to be making his name in the 1980s, a decade which will probably one day be rebranded as ‘the Harrison Fordies’ due to his scruffy-but-lovable-hero-based dominance of the box office.
Incidentally, I was in a restaurant once when I overheard this conversation between some middle-aged types at a nearby table:
“We watched Air Force Oneyesterday”
“Who’s in that?”
“Harrison Ford, I think”
“You mean, Harrison Ford Fiesta!”
“HA HA HA HA HA!!! Yes, Harrison Ford Fiesta!”
I had to be physically restrained from going over and replacing all of their eyeballs with pickled onions.
So The Quaid had to pick up the scraps Harrison Ford left behind, which was a shame because he might have made a good Jack Ryan in Patriot Games, and he could have done something with Regarding Henryand Working Girlthat didn’t make them the movie equivalent of a glass of cod liver oil and raw eggs. Had he been in Frantiche may even have been able to give the impression of being awake.
Fortunately, The Quaid has brought us some gems over the years. InnerSpaceis a groovy sci-fi adventure romp; Dreamscapeis a cathedral of bonkersness about entering and manipulating people’s dreams, and Frequencyis a heartwarming slice of cheesecake about a dead bloke talking to his son, across time, through a knackered radio. Less fortunately, American Dreamz, in which The Quaid finally gets to play the President, is quite literally one of the worst films ever made, and Vantage Pointis as predictable and annoying as a Coldplay album.
What’s important, though, is that The Quaid is legend in all these films. He’s in his fifties now and he’s always been stuck at the border patrol of Megastardomland, frantically waving his passport and begging to be let in, so it’s time he found something truly brilliant to show how skill he is. Sadly everyone in the civilized world can see that his next two films, GI Joe: The Rise Of The Cobraand Pandorumwill suck bowling balls through a straw, so it looks like we’ll have to wait a bit longer.
I like to tell anyone who can’t escape - for example, people in lifts, supermarket queues, my basement - how much I love Dennis Quaid. Not in a romantic sense you understand, although I do believe in man-love – only the other day I watched Spider-Man 3 and almost went out to buy a new hat after seeing Peter Parker and Harry Osborn get back together only for tragedy to come between them again. By ‘tragedy’ I mean Mary Jane Watson, that selfish, whining, thoughtless cow whose herculean efforts to get herself kidnapped every time there’s a new super-villain in town repeatedly put Spidey’s life in danger.
I really have had it up to the cephalothorax with that dozy mare, banging on about her ‘career’ and spouting preposterous claptrap like “I’ve always been standing in your doorway”. Get out of the bloody doorway, woman! That’s why Pete has to keep leaping out of the window, putting himself at even greater risk! The whole of New York depends on him and here you are, forcing him off the fire escape before launching yourself into the clutches of the nearest evil genius so that he has to leave orphans burning just to rescue you! Again!
She really should have popped her clogs in the first film when the Green Goblin dumped her off that bridge. That’s what happened in the comics, except it wasn’t her, it was the ravishing Gwen Stacy, who was far more likeable. Then they could have introduced the comic version of Mary Jane, a right saucy minx who teased Peter Parker till his undercracker elastic could barely take the strain. Instead we got Mrs Whingey-Knickers for three films and a Gwen Stacy in the third who was about as ravishing as Uncle Ben (by which I mean Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben, not the chap who sells the curry sauce. Although he’s no looker either).
Mary Jane hits new heights of selfish bitchery in Spider-Man 3 when she’s booted off her Broadway show for being useless and spends the rest of the film blarting about it. While Pete’s on a high because he’s finally found peace with simultaneously being a super-hero and a friendless geek (Not unlike The Incredible Suit), she’s bringing him down into a depression so deep he grows his hair over his face and starts wearing black all the time, even as Spider-Man! Give me strength.
Anyway, I was going to tell you about my man-love for Dennis Quaid but that moaning strumpet has made me all cross so I’m going to have to have a nice lie down. Grrr!
