YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHH!!!

Now The Incredible Suit isn't normally one to regurgitate news you can read anywhere, but here's some news so competely delicious and flambasmic and tremungous that I just had to chew it 25 times, swallow it, semi-digest it and then bring it back up for another look just to make sure it was true.

And it is true! After an embarrassing and incapacitatingly annoying amount of ups, downs, oohs, aahs, whats, whys and HOW MUCH?!s at MGM, they've finally got their shit together, found a few quid down the back of the sofa and officially announced that...

Before you explode with incontinence like I did, you should probably bear in mind the release date for the 23rd official James Bond film is November 9, 2012. That's 667 days away. That's a long time to be in a permanent state of tumescence. However, it is less than a couple of months before the end of the world, so at least we'll be going out on an All Time High (© Woeful Obscure Bond References Inc).

Daniel Craig returns, which is obviously great, and Sam Mendes is directing, which bodes well for the charactery stuff. The script is by Neal Purvis and Robert Wade, who wrote the last four Bonds and as such have about a 50/50 track record of awesome, balls-out brilliance and unfortunate, invisible-car-related crappery. They're being joined on this one by John Logan, who'll remind you he wrote Gladiator and The Aviator but will probably forget that he wrote 2002's The Time Machine remake. The jury's still out, JoLo.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to reboot my campaign to get the film called Blood And Thunder, and to get Vincent Cassel cast as the villain (though I have it on good authority that he said he'd never do it, the bastard), Bernard Hill or David Warner as M (sozzles Dame Judi), Noel Clarke as Q, Emilia Fox as Moneypenny, David Arnold doing the music, Daniel Kleinman designing the titles and Muse doing the theme song. Surely that's not too much to ask? I've already designed the poster.

And I'm sure you won't mind seeing this every day for the next two years:

COUNTDOWN TO BOND 23:

667 DAYS

Good. Now let's get on with it.

Bond 23: In Memoriam

If you were as inconsolably browned off as I was about this morning's Bond bombshell, why not postpone self-harming for a few minutes by reminding yourself of all the great ideas I had for the next movie, which for some reason Ms Broccoli and Mr Wilson are still to respond to:

What to call it

Who to cast as M

Who to cast as Q

Who to cast as Moneypenny

Who should do the theme song

If anyone can lend me $4 billion to buy MGM we could get this sucker made tomorrow. Who's with me?

Hello?

Oh.

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Sam Mendes In Quite Exciting Unsubstantiated Bond 23 Rumour Alert

It looks like Sam Mendes is 'in talks', as they say, to direct the next James Bond film. While I've got oodles of stuff I could say about this (mostly good), I'll wait till it's confirmed if it's all the same with you.

At least I know where to send all my Blood And Thunder suggestions now.

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One Night Of Saucytime

It’s Week 1,347 of The Incredible Suit’s campaign to have the next James Bond film, probably not to be called Blood And Thunder, cast entirely by a mentally unhinged blogger.

Today we’ll look at the new Miss Moneypenny, by which I mean I’ll tell you who I think should play her and you’ll be so uninterested that you’ve probably already turned your computer off, buried it at the bottom of the garden and made a cup of tea.

The criteria are simple:
1) Be attractive but slightly bookish.
2) Don’t moon after 007 like a dim-witted puppy, but
3) Give the impression that Moneypenny and Bond had one night of saucytime a while back.

Here’s the selection:

Interestingly, which is to say that I find it interesting, which means you really should too, all of these actresses could be a Bond girl just as well as a Moneypenny, which is one less blog post about my fantasy cast for you to have to ignore. Hooray! Anyway I think I’ll go for Emilia Fox as Moneypenny because she’s the closest to Daniel Craig’s age. That way we won’t have to put up with the kind of borderline kiddy-fiddling that went on with Gemma Arterton in Quantum Of Solace.

So just to keep you updated, so far the main titles are looking like this:

Albert R Broccoli’s EON Productions and The Incredible Suit present

Daniel Craig as James Bond

In

Blood And Thunder

(thanks to The Incredible Suit for the title)

Vincent Cassel as the Bad Guy, which was The Incredible Suit’s idea

Bernard Hill or David Warner as M (also The Incredible Suit’s idea)

Noel Clarke as Q (The Incredible Suit again)

Emilia Fox as Miss Moneypenny ( "              " )

Some other people, yet to be decided by The Incredible Suit

Oh and with music by Muse, which wasn’t The Incredible Suit’s idea as such but is heartily endorsed thereby.

Furthermore can we make sure that David Arnold composes the score again? The only way I’ll be happy if he doesn’t is if John Barry does it instead. Oh and bring Daniel Kleinman back to do the title sequence, that last one was a load of old Moonraker.

My work here is done.



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Geekazoidal

“The Incredible Suit”, I hear you cry, “I loved your post about casting Bernard Hill or David Warner as M in the next James Bond film, but I just don’t know who should play Q! Please help!” Well, stop crying you big babies, it’s not becoming. But since you ask…

Let’s see. We could go one of several ways with Q:

a) Make him the same curmudgeonly lovable old goat Desmond Llewellyn played him as, which would be silly in this whole ‘reboot’ stage we’re in. However if it has to be done like that, let’s have someone curmudgeonly, lovable and goatesque like Bill Nighy.

b) Make him a bit younger, closer to Bond’s age, and a bit geeky as he’s a technology nerd. In which case go for someone like David Morrissey.

c) Make him a lot younger, twentysomething in fact, someone who knows all about the latest technology, someone who’s excited by his work and eager to see how it plays out in the field, but takes the piss out of Bond for not being nearly as geekazoidal as he is. This approach would gain The Incredible Suit’s endorsement, and I vote for Noel Clarke in the role.

***Official Warning: On no account is
David Tennant to be linked with the role of Q***

So this new Bond film is shaping up quite nicely in my mentally deranged fantasy world. It looks like it could be an absolute corker; it’s just a shame that you’ll only be able to see it by entering my dreams like Dennis Quaid in Dreamscape. Admission is £8.00, please don’t drop any popcorn in my cerebral cortex, it’s a bugger to pick out.

Now watch this. It’s nearly ten years since Desmond Llewelyn sat in the ejector seat of life and popped through the roof into the great R&D lab in the sky. The Incredible Suit gives you permission to resume crying like a baby.



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Nogginboggle

It’s at least twelve minutes since my last post about what the 23rd Bond film, Blood And Thunder (title to be confirmed*) should be like, so I thought I’d allow you another brief peek into my nogginboggle because I know how crucial this is to your wellbeing.

Someone said, at some point, in some place or other (sorry to be so painfully specific), that Q and Miss Moneypenny should return in the next film, having been absent since Die Another Day, in which John Cleese was alright but a bit grumpy as Q and Samantha Bond, as Moneypenny, took part in a colossally misjudged virtual reality sex scene with James Bond which almost single-handedly killed the franchise for the next four years, although it had plenty of help from the INVISIBLE BLOODY CAR!!

Anyway, before we start thinking about a new Q and Moneypenny, can we please get rid of Judi “Dame Judi Dench” Dench as M, preferably in a pre-title sequence in which she’s bumped off by the bad guy (Vincent Cassel, with any luck), thereby setting Bond off on revenge and immediately putting him at odds with the new M. Speaking of which…

The new M should be a man. An old bugger who Bond immediately dislikes but grows to respect and admire over the course of the film, so that by the time the credits roll you believe he’d actually die for him. A bit like how you lot feel about The Incredible Suit. That’s the M of the books, and that’s what Daniel Craig’s Bond needs.

M needs to be played by a recognisable actor who looks like a scary headmaster, and should be sufficiently old and weatherbeaten, but not so ancient that he might cark it before the 24th film. The Incredible Suit’s shortlist is (click the pic to embigulise):

Having carefully studied their mugs, I think I’d have to plump for Bernard Hill, because he has the face of a salty old sea dog who hates everybody, or David Warner, who looks like he might fire lightning from his fingertips if a minion ever dared to question his orders. Which is in fact what he did in Time Bandits, so at least he’s got that on his CV.

Next week I’ll bleat like an attention-seeking lamb about who should play Q and Miss Moneypenny, and I’ll start my campaign to get her renamed Miss Funnyfanny, like in the woefully unhilarious ‘Basildon Bond’ sketches from The Russ Abbot Show. If you genuinely find this funny I will personally pay for your psychiatric treatment:



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*i.e. I made it up.

A Week-Old Potato Peeling

Youse guyses have well and truly soiled Patrick Swayze’s memory by ditching his Orange ad in favour of John Cleese’s as the least irritating, like, ever. I hope you’re happy. Incidentally word reaches The Incredible Suit from the mysterious ‘Duncan S’ of a new Orange cackommercial featuring Sigourney Weaver apparently “playing a snake queen in a movie that’s only going to be shown in Spain”, which sounds like the funniest thing I’ve ever heard ever.

In unrelated twaddlism, yesterday I proposed Blood And Thunder as the title of the new James Bond film, which was almost certainly an exercise in pointlessness if ever there was one. But The Incredible Suit exists only to pleasure its viewers, so tell me: what do you think of Blood And Thunder as a Bond title? Does it make you want to soar over the rooftops in unbridled joy, or does it make you weep uncontrollably until your very being shrivels up like a week-old potato peeling? Or, most likely, do you just not care? Vote now! Or go out and live your life. Either is fine with me.

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Blood And Thunder

The regular viewer of The Incredible Suit (Mrs Incredible Suit) will by now be painfully aware of my increasingly frightening obsession with James Bond, and in particular my illogical and virtually insane assumption that ruminating on who might perform the theme song (Muse), who might play the villain (Vincent Cassel) and so on will have even the most imperceptible effect on the actual finished product.

And so it is with those viewers - sorry, that viewer - in mind that I present today’s post. I’ve had a good long cogitate, and yes I enjoyed it very much thank you, and I can now reveal the title of the 23rd James Bond film, if it was made in a world in which The Incredible Suit had even the slightest influence on anything.

I’m calling it Blood And Thunder, which is a fricking magnificent title if you ask me, and you have because you entered into a contract to do so by opening this web page. More fool you. But seriously, imagine Muse belting that out at a bajillion decibels. Astonishing.

Blood And Thunder is the title of a chapter from Ian Fleming’s novel “You Only Live Twice”, and I think it’s appropriate to keep to something Fleming created, even if it’s only the title, because it’s respectful to do so. Also it sounds like all bloody hell might break loose which can only result in ten sacks of awesome. As a brief and incongruous cultural aside, you may also be interested to know that Lord Byron used the phrase in his poem Don Juan, the obvious parallel being that Mr Juan, like Mr Bond, is a dirty old womaniser*.

There is, however, potential for Blood And Thunder (the movie) to stink like a barrel of rotten armpits because so many “people” (it would be rude to call them idiot holes) think the last two Bond films were “too serious” that there’s every danger we’ll see Daniel Craig farting about in space dressed as a clown, in which case I can easily see the title being changed to “Thud And Blunder” by hilarious Daily Mail film critics. So be warned, Bond filmmakers, if that happens there will be blood. And thunder.

Some Bond fans have already created their own fictional posters for the next Bond film using Fleming titles and shoved them onto the interwebs:

However The Incredible Suit, rather than bashing something embarrassingly amateur out while waiting for the kettle to boil, can exclusively reveal the official Blood And Thunder poster here! Now! I know!

*I am blissfully ignorant about, and in fact actively detest, poetry. I almost certainly found this trivia on Wikipedia.

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