One Night Of Saucytime

It’s Week 1,347 of The Incredible Suit’s campaign to have the next James Bond film, probably not to be called Blood And Thunder, cast entirely by a mentally unhinged blogger.

Today we’ll look at the new Miss Moneypenny, by which I mean I’ll tell you who I think should play her and you’ll be so uninterested that you’ve probably already turned your computer off, buried it at the bottom of the garden and made a cup of tea.

The criteria are simple:
1) Be attractive but slightly bookish.
2) Don’t moon after 007 like a dim-witted puppy, but
3) Give the impression that Moneypenny and Bond had one night of saucytime a while back.

Here’s the selection:

Interestingly, which is to say that I find it interesting, which means you really should too, all of these actresses could be a Bond girl just as well as a Moneypenny, which is one less blog post about my fantasy cast for you to have to ignore. Hooray! Anyway I think I’ll go for Emilia Fox as Moneypenny because she’s the closest to Daniel Craig’s age. That way we won’t have to put up with the kind of borderline kiddy-fiddling that went on with Gemma Arterton in Quantum Of Solace.

So just to keep you updated, so far the main titles are looking like this:

Albert R Broccoli’s EON Productions and The Incredible Suit present

Daniel Craig as James Bond

In

Blood And Thunder

(thanks to The Incredible Suit for the title)

Vincent Cassel as the Bad Guy, which was The Incredible Suit’s idea

Bernard Hill or David Warner as M (also The Incredible Suit’s idea)

Noel Clarke as Q (The Incredible Suit again)

Emilia Fox as Miss Moneypenny ( "              " )

Some other people, yet to be decided by The Incredible Suit

Oh and with music by Muse, which wasn’t The Incredible Suit’s idea as such but is heartily endorsed thereby.

Furthermore can we make sure that David Arnold composes the score again? The only way I’ll be happy if he doesn’t is if John Barry does it instead. Oh and bring Daniel Kleinman back to do the title sequence, that last one was a load of old Moonraker.

My work here is done.



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Nogginboggle

It’s at least twelve minutes since my last post about what the 23rd Bond film, Blood And Thunder (title to be confirmed*) should be like, so I thought I’d allow you another brief peek into my nogginboggle because I know how crucial this is to your wellbeing.

Someone said, at some point, in some place or other (sorry to be so painfully specific), that Q and Miss Moneypenny should return in the next film, having been absent since Die Another Day, in which John Cleese was alright but a bit grumpy as Q and Samantha Bond, as Moneypenny, took part in a colossally misjudged virtual reality sex scene with James Bond which almost single-handedly killed the franchise for the next four years, although it had plenty of help from the INVISIBLE BLOODY CAR!!

Anyway, before we start thinking about a new Q and Moneypenny, can we please get rid of Judi “Dame Judi Dench” Dench as M, preferably in a pre-title sequence in which she’s bumped off by the bad guy (Vincent Cassel, with any luck), thereby setting Bond off on revenge and immediately putting him at odds with the new M. Speaking of which…

The new M should be a man. An old bugger who Bond immediately dislikes but grows to respect and admire over the course of the film, so that by the time the credits roll you believe he’d actually die for him. A bit like how you lot feel about The Incredible Suit. That’s the M of the books, and that’s what Daniel Craig’s Bond needs.

M needs to be played by a recognisable actor who looks like a scary headmaster, and should be sufficiently old and weatherbeaten, but not so ancient that he might cark it before the 24th film. The Incredible Suit’s shortlist is (click the pic to embigulise):

Having carefully studied their mugs, I think I’d have to plump for Bernard Hill, because he has the face of a salty old sea dog who hates everybody, or David Warner, who looks like he might fire lightning from his fingertips if a minion ever dared to question his orders. Which is in fact what he did in Time Bandits, so at least he’s got that on his CV.

Next week I’ll bleat like an attention-seeking lamb about who should play Q and Miss Moneypenny, and I’ll start my campaign to get her renamed Miss Funnyfanny, like in the woefully unhilarious ‘Basildon Bond’ sketches from The Russ Abbot Show. If you genuinely find this funny I will personally pay for your psychiatric treatment:



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*i.e. I made it up.

Blood And Thunder

The regular viewer of The Incredible Suit (Mrs Incredible Suit) will by now be painfully aware of my increasingly frightening obsession with James Bond, and in particular my illogical and virtually insane assumption that ruminating on who might perform the theme song (Muse), who might play the villain (Vincent Cassel) and so on will have even the most imperceptible effect on the actual finished product.

And so it is with those viewers - sorry, that viewer - in mind that I present today’s post. I’ve had a good long cogitate, and yes I enjoyed it very much thank you, and I can now reveal the title of the 23rd James Bond film, if it was made in a world in which The Incredible Suit had even the slightest influence on anything.

I’m calling it Blood And Thunder, which is a fricking magnificent title if you ask me, and you have because you entered into a contract to do so by opening this web page. More fool you. But seriously, imagine Muse belting that out at a bajillion decibels. Astonishing.

Blood And Thunder is the title of a chapter from Ian Fleming’s novel “You Only Live Twice”, and I think it’s appropriate to keep to something Fleming created, even if it’s only the title, because it’s respectful to do so. Also it sounds like all bloody hell might break loose which can only result in ten sacks of awesome. As a brief and incongruous cultural aside, you may also be interested to know that Lord Byron used the phrase in his poem Don Juan, the obvious parallel being that Mr Juan, like Mr Bond, is a dirty old womaniser*.

There is, however, potential for Blood And Thunder (the movie) to stink like a barrel of rotten armpits because so many “people” (it would be rude to call them idiot holes) think the last two Bond films were “too serious” that there’s every danger we’ll see Daniel Craig farting about in space dressed as a clown, in which case I can easily see the title being changed to “Thud And Blunder” by hilarious Daily Mail film critics. So be warned, Bond filmmakers, if that happens there will be blood. And thunder.

Some Bond fans have already created their own fictional posters for the next Bond film using Fleming titles and shoved them onto the interwebs:

However The Incredible Suit, rather than bashing something embarrassingly amateur out while waiting for the kettle to boil, can exclusively reveal the official Blood And Thunder poster here! Now! I know!

*I am blissfully ignorant about, and in fact actively detest, poetry. I almost certainly found this trivia on Wikipedia.

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Bondesque Noisegasm

Congratulations, ladies! I think the less said about this the better, so let’s move swiftly on to something less likely to get me sued.

Preposterously overblown but quite brilliant rock mentalists Muse have said they’d say “Good grief yes of course” if they were asked to record a theme song for a James Bond film, according to this article on the BBC News website.

Now any band who wouldn’t say “Good grief yes of course” to such a request would be an olive short of a vodka martini, but what’s vaguely exciting about this, at least in the pathetically Bond-obsessed world of The Incredible Suit, is that I said yonks ago that Muse should do a Bond theme, and now it’s a step closer to becoming a reality.

Muse have exactly the right amount of outrageously pompous bombasticity in their music (i.e. way too much) to blow Shirley Bassey’s burly chassis to the moon, which is ironically roughly where Muse need to perform from in order for mere mortal ears not to explode from the sheer aural pummeling delivered by their music.

Furthermore, this means I can begin my campaign to demand who should be working on the 23rd Bond film. Between now and its release I’ll be making the case for The Incredible Suit’s choices and waiting for a call from Barbara Broccoli to ask me what my fee is for providing such a valuable service.

So far, we’ve obviously got to have Daniel Craig as Bond because he’s fricking marvellous, and as I mentioned in this post, Vincent Cassel has to be the villain because he’s ugly, foreign and hard enough to give 007 a good kicking, which is just what he needs, the arrogant tit. “I can’t seem to find the stationery” indeed. Who does he think he is?

And now we’ve got Muse doing the theme tune. I haven’t decided on a title yet, but if it were to be called “Supermassive Black Hole” that would be convenient as they’ve thoughtfully already written a Bondesque noisegasm by that name. Alternatively something like this would be equally appropriate:



Don't forget to spend your weekend having a Swizzlethon, then come back and tell The Incredible Suit: What was Patrick Swayze's Greatest Performance, Like, Ever? Not the best film he was in, because that would be Donnie Darko hands down, but in which movie did he rock a mullet and stare blankly like no other actor before or since? Eh? Eh?

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Puffed-Up Farthog

Pop quiz, hotshots! There's a blog on the internet. Once the posts go over 50, the blog is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?!

Well viewers, don’t panic, because a) I’m not a maniac bomber with a gammy hand overacting myself silly, and b) the post count is unlikely to drop below 50 unless I have a mental breakdown and remove the blog altogether, in which case there’s no chance of it blowing up. So I’ve saved the day!

All this apparently meaningless drivel is intended to point out that this is The Incredible Suit’s 50th post, and all of us here* are celebrating with a methuselah of champagne.** Why not have a glass yourself and reflect on the last half-century of Incredibility?***

So Empire Magazine have announced their regular waste-of-time-and-space poll to find the 100 Sexiest Movie Stars, Like, Ever. Personally I think celebrating the sexiness of people you don’t know seems a bit pointless. I mean, the winner of 2007’s poll was Angelina Jolie. Now she might look sexy with her unfeasibly inflated lips and that, but what if she suffers from unstoppable flatulence? What if she quacks off at the dinner table in front of your parents? Is that sexy? Is it a turn on if, upon removing her nethergarments, she reveals a whopping skidmark caused by her incessant bottom burpage?

So I’m turning this populist carnival of shallow on its head and introducing a poll to discover the ugliest movie star in existence. Now I realise my own rules can equally be applied to mingers – maybe they’re just ugly on the outside but beautiful, caring souls with hearts of gold under that repulsive surface. But if Empire can make a song and dance of being superficial, so can I.

Here, then, are The Incredible Suit’s six movie stars who were beaten the most with the ugly stick, then kicked with the ugly boot and finally pushed down the ugly stairs to land in a heap of ugly on the ugly floor. The cackling irony, of course, is that all these fuglybugs will be in Empire’s sexy list. Still, one man’s Angelina Jolie is another man’s puffed-up farthog. And yes, I realise I’m no Zooey Deschanel myself, that’s why I put my words on the interwebs and not my fizzog.

So who’s your munter of the year? Vote now! Or, vote later.

Russell Crowe

Desperate to play the lead in Justin Lee Collins: The Movie

Uma Thurman

All the features of a traditional beauty, but placed slightly too far apart

Vincent Cassel

What happens when your face hates you

Sarah Jessica Parker

She so ugly, when she born, doctor slap her momma!

Daniel Craig

Obviously Daniel’s ace, but just, y’know… an ace potato head

Paris Hilton

Actually I think she is ugly on the inside

* Just me
** A cup of tea
*** Because you’re not a raging loser, I imagine

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Crackers Hairpieces And Improbable Moustaches

If there’s one thing the French do well, it’s knocking out a good action sequence in a movie. Actually there are several things the French do well, including making wine, being generous with garlic and confusing foreigners by signposting a town from 200 kilometres away only to remove all signs pointing to that town within a 5km radius of its centre, thereby throwing the visiting driver into a sheer vertical panic because he thought he was doing quite well at this driving-on-the-wrong-side-while-reading-a-funny-language malarkey only for his destination to apparently vanish off the face of the Earth at the last minute.

But I digress. You only have to wrap your peepers around stuff like Nikita, Leon or Tell No One to see that Monsieur Francais knows his oignons when it comes to constructing a finger-chewingly tense chase scene or a tautly edited shootout.

Such mastery of nail-bitery is the second-biggest reason to watch the Mesrine films, L’Instinct De Mort and L’ennemi Public n°1. Now pay attention, here comes the history bit: Jacques Mesrine was a French gangster, bank robber, kidnapper, murderer, jailbreaker and all-round tinker, who charmed the French public into seeing him as a modern-day Robin Hood, an honest bandit, despite being - by all accounts - a complete and utter bastard.

This two-part film version of Mesrine’s autobiography is little more than a series of episodes in his life, with little to connect them or explain or justify his actions, but it’s directed by Jean-François Richet with such joie de vivre, savoir faire and coq au vin that you can’t help but get carried away with it all.

The first-biggest reason to watch these movies, however, is Vincent Cassel, who plays Jacques Mesrine in a series of increasingly crackers hairpieces and improbable moustaches. In fact he runs the hairy gamut from neatly-trimmed short back and sides to full-on Dave Lee Travis.

Cassel gave the almighty Viggo Mortensen a run for his roubles in Eastern Promises, but as Mesrine he burns up the screen like a chip pan fire, demanding your attention with a searing performance and a mug that looks like he sleeps with his face in a vice while goblins pull his features in random directions. Apparently there are other actors in the Mesrine films but Cassel ensures that you absolutely will not be distracted from him and his magnetic presence.

When the makers of the Bond films ask me who they should cast as the next villain, I’ll be giving them Vincent Cassel’s phone number. He’s got exactly the right amount of arrogance and physical presence to give Daniel Craig something to worry about, and a sufficient level of foreign dastardliness which is an essential quality when applying to be a Bond baddie.

So in summary: Mesrine: L’Instinct De Mort = Great. Mesrine: L’ennemi Public n°1 = Not as great but still great. Vincent Cassel = Incroyable!

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