Five Marvel Superhero Spin-Offs Coming Soon(ish)!

Having failed to learn their lesson with the likes of Elektra and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Marvel continue to threaten the world with spin-off standalone movies from their most successful projects.

We already know about untantalising prospects like Deadpool, X-Men Origins: Magneto, Black Widow and Hawkeye, but The Incredible Suit has gone deeper, further and harder into Marvel's inner crevices to hunt down more superhero spin-offs heading our way. Warning: it's not pretty. Except for the last one.

Mark Ruffalo

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Hulk: Third Time Lucky

Plot: In this re-re-boot of the doomed franchise, Ruffles stars as Bruce Banner, a man forced to relive his own origin story time and time again. Aiming for a grittier, more realistic version this time, Marvel do away with Banner's ridiculous indestructible trousers and Hulk finally gets to swing his mighty green todger around. A generation of kids is permanently traumatised, Marvel are sued to within an inch of their lives and Ruffles is sacked and blamed for the whole sorry affair.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: A phone rings. An actor answers. A voice asks: "Fancy playing the new Hulk?" The actor looks into camera, smiling. It's Chris Evans. Cut to black.

Gwyneth Paltrow & Angelina Jolie
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A Salt With A Deadly Pepper

Plot: Iron Man's PA Pepper Potts goes it alone as a superhero, fashioning a suit whose primary weapons fire ground pepper up her enemies' noses, causing them to sneeze themselves to death. In a further crossover twist she hires Salt's Evelyn Salt as her sidekick, and when evil is finally defeated they pursue their dream of launching a range of containers for dispensing ground corns from the piper nigrum plant and fine grains of sodium chloride. The final scene sees them proudly opening their first branch of "Pepper Potts And Salt: Sellers Of Pepper Pots And Salt Cellars". 
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: John Travolta turns up as Vincent Vinegar with an intriguing business proposal.

Rosemary Harris
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Aunt Mayfly

Plot: Spider-Man's annoying aunt is bitten by a radioactive mayfly and becomes a super-strong pensioner / insect hybrid with gigantic compound eyes and two vaginas. Suffering from dementia, she believes Peter Parker to be Doctor Octopus and devises a plan to gather all the world's mayflies together and beat him to death with their membranous wings. Sadly she also forgets about the mayfly's short lifespan and, 30 minutes after being bitten, drops dead and is eaten by a cat.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: One of the 3,000 eggs Aunt Mayfly laid before she died cracks open and a hideous human-mayfly-spider-octopus creature emerges in a tease for Marvel's forthcoming Doctor Octospidermayflymanwoman.

Stan Lee
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That Guy

Plot: Stan Lee plays master of disguise That Guy, who wickedly plans to distract the attention of global cinema audiences by popping up in summer blockbusters as, variously, That Guy In The Truck, That Guy Drinking From A Bottle, That Guy In Times Square, That Guy With The Hosepipe, That Guy Dodging Debris, That Guy Selling Hotdogs and That Guy Crossing The Road. In a piece of casting so meta it hurts, Stan cameos in his own film as That Guy Who Plays That Guy In That Guy, at which point the whole exercise disappears up its own arse.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: Characters from every film in which Stan Lee made a cameo appearance turn up to get their own back. Marvel decide to make this scene 150 minutes long and call it The Avengers.

Kat Dennings' breasts
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Tits Of Fury

Plot: Natalie Portman's kooky comedy sidekick from Thor gets her own movie as a woman blessed with unbelievable knockers. Using the hypnotic powers of her astonishing décolletage, she, uh... um... excuse me, I just need to pop out for a minute.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: Stan Lee makes a cameo appearance as That Guy Who Has A Big Wank.

Who's The Star Of The Tourist?

"Coming soon to theatres" (obviously they mean "cinemas") is The Tourist, a potentially fun but equally potentially atrocious comedy thriller from legendary German WWI fighter pilot The Lives Of Others director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck.



But who's the biggest star of this film? According to this trailer, posted on Yahoo Movies, it's Angie:

But according to a slightly differently cut trailer posted on Yahoo Movies UK, it's Depples:

Which apparently means that UK audiences are far more likely to see a film starring Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie than Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Maybe it's because Depp's channeling another British National Treasure for The Tourist:

Of course, a cursory glance at the credits reveals the real star of the film:

Although I've watched the trailer over and over again and I can't see a single shot of Dalters anywhere. Maybe he's voicing Angie's CGI hedgehog pal.

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Salt

"Who is Salt?", we have been continuously asked on movie posters across the land, under which the words "Angelina Jolie" appear, thus bringing a swift and satisfying conclusion to this brief conundrum.

 

 

Sadly the film of Salt takes considerably longer to answer the question, and it concludes that Salt is:

• A woman who is incapable of kicking anyone without first running half way up a wall
• A woman who works for the CIA, who interrogate defectors using an amazing device which can detect both lies and cancer
• A woman who lives in a world where windows are used as exits more often than doors, and are glazed with that magic movie glass that shatters at the slightest impact but doesn't leave a single mark on anyone passing through it
• A woman whose life is like an entire series of 24 condensed into 100 minutes
• A woman who tediously sets herself up for a franchise despite making only an average movie
• A woman. I know this because I saw a BBC interview where Angelina Jolie said: "I've done a lot of action films as a woman"

I can't help but think that Sony have missed a marketing trick with the poster though, so I decided to help them out:

 

 

Bonus LOL: The IMDb Parents' Guide can always be relied on to provide over-zealous profanity warnings:

 

 

It's true, she does say "Dorn", in a scene in which she spots Michael Dorn, the actor who plays Worf in Star Trek.

 

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Undead Checkout Operators

Robert Zemeckis is parping out another of his motion-capture films this Christmas. A Christmas Carol doesn’t star Jim Carrey, it stars Jim Carrey’s performance and voice. Here’s a trailer to clarify my ramblings:

I really don’t get all this motion capture stuff. It’s too close to looking photo-real to be animation but it’s not close enough to actually look real. As a result “mo-capped” (ugh) people just look like dead-eyed dolls moving in a manner unnervingly similar to humans, in much the same way as Shia LaBeouf approaches acting.

In films like The Polar Express and Beowulf, mo-cap (eurgh) has been used to capture the movements and facial features of actors like Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie and Ray Winstone, in order to create an animated character that looks a bit like Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie or Ray Winstone and stick them in an animated world. Am I missing something here? Why not just film these guys against a green screen and make the effort to put a realistic-looking world around them? That’s what happened in the Lord Of The Rings and Star Wars prequel trilogies, and their actors didn’t look like undead checkout operators at the end of a 10-hour shift. Well, except maybe Hayden Christensen.

As it happens Peter Jackson did use mo-cap (bleurgh) to create Gollum and King Kong from the performances of the inhumanly awesome Andy Serkis, so I suppose it does have its place, and its place is creating non-human characters, not vague approximations of humans just peculiar enough to give you nightmares. Of course Jackson has now blown his winnings by teaming up with Steven Spielberg to waste years of quality movie-making time on the Tintin films, to be filmed entirely in, yes, motion capture.

So sorry, I love Robert Zemeckis for giving us the Back To The Future trilogy, but I wish he’d stop mucking about with mo-cap (hrrreeuurrrrgghh) and get back to making proper films. You know, ones that use actual film? If he’s unsure, here’s a handy cut-out and keep guide to the difference between success and failure:

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Puffed-Up Farthog

Pop quiz, hotshots! There's a blog on the internet. Once the posts go over 50, the blog is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?!

Well viewers, don’t panic, because a) I’m not a maniac bomber with a gammy hand overacting myself silly, and b) the post count is unlikely to drop below 50 unless I have a mental breakdown and remove the blog altogether, in which case there’s no chance of it blowing up. So I’ve saved the day!

All this apparently meaningless drivel is intended to point out that this is The Incredible Suit’s 50th post, and all of us here* are celebrating with a methuselah of champagne.** Why not have a glass yourself and reflect on the last half-century of Incredibility?***

So Empire Magazine have announced their regular waste-of-time-and-space poll to find the 100 Sexiest Movie Stars, Like, Ever. Personally I think celebrating the sexiness of people you don’t know seems a bit pointless. I mean, the winner of 2007’s poll was Angelina Jolie. Now she might look sexy with her unfeasibly inflated lips and that, but what if she suffers from unstoppable flatulence? What if she quacks off at the dinner table in front of your parents? Is that sexy? Is it a turn on if, upon removing her nethergarments, she reveals a whopping skidmark caused by her incessant bottom burpage?

So I’m turning this populist carnival of shallow on its head and introducing a poll to discover the ugliest movie star in existence. Now I realise my own rules can equally be applied to mingers – maybe they’re just ugly on the outside but beautiful, caring souls with hearts of gold under that repulsive surface. But if Empire can make a song and dance of being superficial, so can I.

Here, then, are The Incredible Suit’s six movie stars who were beaten the most with the ugly stick, then kicked with the ugly boot and finally pushed down the ugly stairs to land in a heap of ugly on the ugly floor. The cackling irony, of course, is that all these fuglybugs will be in Empire’s sexy list. Still, one man’s Angelina Jolie is another man’s puffed-up farthog. And yes, I realise I’m no Zooey Deschanel myself, that’s why I put my words on the interwebs and not my fizzog.

So who’s your munter of the year? Vote now! Or, vote later.

Russell Crowe

Desperate to play the lead in Justin Lee Collins: The Movie

Uma Thurman

All the features of a traditional beauty, but placed slightly too far apart

Vincent Cassel

What happens when your face hates you

Sarah Jessica Parker

She so ugly, when she born, doctor slap her momma!

Daniel Craig

Obviously Daniel’s ace, but just, y’know… an ace potato head

Paris Hilton

Actually I think she is ugly on the inside

* Just me
** A cup of tea
*** Because you’re not a raging loser, I imagine

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