Preposterous Claptrap

I like to tell anyone who can’t escape - for example, people in lifts, supermarket queues, my basement - how much I love Dennis Quaid. Not in a romantic sense you understand, although I do believe in man-love – only the other day I watched Spider-Man 3 and almost went out to buy a new hat after seeing Peter Parker and Harry Osborn get back together only for tragedy to come between them again. By ‘tragedy’ I mean Mary Jane Watson, that selfish, whining, thoughtless cow whose herculean efforts to get herself kidnapped every time there’s a new super-villain in town repeatedly put Spidey’s life in danger.

I really have had it up to the cephalothorax with that dozy mare, banging on about her ‘career’ and spouting preposterous claptrap like “I’ve always been standing in your doorway”. Get out of the bloody doorway, woman! That’s why Pete has to keep leaping out of the window, putting himself at even greater risk! The whole of New York depends on him and here you are, forcing him off the fire escape before launching yourself into the clutches of the nearest evil genius so that he has to leave orphans burning just to rescue you! Again!

She really should have popped her clogs in the first film when the Green Goblin dumped her off that bridge. That’s what happened in the comics, except it wasn’t her, it was the ravishing Gwen Stacy, who was far more likeable. Then they could have introduced the comic version of Mary Jane, a right saucy minx who teased Peter Parker till his undercracker elastic could barely take the strain. Instead we got Mrs Whingey-Knickers for three films and a Gwen Stacy in the third who was about as ravishing as Uncle Ben (by which I mean Peter Parker’s Uncle Ben, not the chap who sells the curry sauce. Although he’s no looker either).

Mary Jane hits new heights of selfish bitchery in Spider-Man 3 when she’s booted off her Broadway show for being useless and spends the rest of the film blarting about it. While Pete’s on a high because he’s finally found peace with simultaneously being a super-hero and a friendless geek (Not unlike The Incredible Suit), she’s bringing him down into a depression so deep he grows his hair over his face and starts wearing black all the time, even as Spider-Man! Give me strength.

Anyway, I was going to tell you about my man-love for Dennis Quaid but that moaning strumpet has made me all cross so I’m going to have to have a nice lie down. Grrr!


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