BlogalongaStarWars: Episode 3: Star Wars: Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi

Phase One of the Star Wars Cinematic Universe comes to a close with Return Of The Jedi, a film which, by necessity, must be all payoff for the two-hour setup of The Empire Strikes Back. And pay off it does, in ruddy great space-spades: Jedi delivers on an increasingly huge scale, even as its supporting characters become increasingly smaller.

twats

The first point of order is obviously to rescue Han Solo from his cryogenic slumber (during which he seems to have miraculously put on a few pounds), and it's to George Lucas' and co-writer Lawrence Kasdan's credit that they devote the entire first act to the heist. It's a fun, extended opener that has almost nothing to do with the rest of the story, but it needs to take up that first half hour because we were so invested in Han's sacrifice in Empire. If you've spent three years waiting to find out how he's going to get defrosted, you don't want the explanation tossed off in the first five minutes.

A quick Dagobah diversion acts as a weird aside where we're reminded of all the important stuff that needs resolving before the credits roll, and in all honesty much of it is a little baffling. We're told that Luke needs to face Vader to truly become a Jedi, but didn't he just do that at the end of Empire? I mean, fair play for raising the emotional stakes of their final father / son chit-chat, but there's a suspicion that Lucas may have put that dialogue in as a placeholder and forgotten to finish it. Then Yoda struggles to squeeze out the words "There........ is...... a................. nother ........................................... Sky............................................... walk........................................................................................ er" before wheezing his last, apparently unaware that "Leia is your sister" has fewer syllables. He's only being vague so we can get the full story from see-through Obi-wan, who gets the short straw of having to explain why everything he said in Star Wars was bullshit. The sense that Lucas is retroactively rewriting his story as he goes along is palpable, but it's a canny move to give Alec Guinness the role of Basil Exposition here; the character's wisdom and eccentricity just about allow him to carry off the bollocks he's spouting.

The team outing to Endor is where the Star Wars machine finally starts to come unstuck, thanks in no small part to a bunch of short furry twats. The Ewoks represent Lucas' wish to have the gargantuan, technologically advanced Empire defeated by a smaller, underestimated foe, forgetting that he'd already done that at the end of Star Wars, and so the pointy sticks and small rocks lobbed by dwarf children in fluffy onesies pierce the armour of Stormtroopers more used to laser bolts, and it all gets a bit silly. Frankly I began to doubt the integrity of the Ewoks as a viable narrative device the moment they provided a complete fitted outfit for the decidedly non-Ewok-shaped Princess Leia with no notice whatsoever.

Maybe it's from the plus-size range

Fortunately there's the mother of all space battles going on concurrently, as well as the apocalyptically epic climax of Luke and Vader's story, the intimacy of which feels weightier than anything going on in Teletubbyland. John Williams' accompaniment to the duel is monstrously doom-laden, and Luke's final, furious attack on Vader - prompted by the old man's threat to recruit Luke's "sissssstaaa" - is gloriously ferocious. The masterful crosscutting between the three simultaneous finales stops you getting bored of any one scene without becoming jarring, and Vader's final sacrifice is the perfect conclusion. Well done, Star Wars Trilogy, you done good.

However. Something's not quite right. Something's changed. The edge has gone. All the interesting character work that continues to set the first two films apart from almost every other sci-fi epic seems to have gone missing; the moment Han and Leia's unresolved sexual tension resolved itself, they stopped being the cool older kids and became your parents. Even Han's belief that everything he says is cool or funny reminds you of your dad. The Ewoks are cute and cuddly with the specific intention of selling toys to small children, and Vader's revealed face is more "favourite uncle" than "evil, twisted warlord". They're all small things, but they add up to a lesser film than their predecessors, which is an undeniable shame.

Still, it's the final Star Wars film, so at least they can't get any worse, right?

Darth Vader is really pointy

Notable by their absence from the prequel trilogy are any scenes in which Shmi Skywalker teaches little Ani that it's rude to point. Decades later, Darth Vader can barely get a word out without his forefinger jabbing around like a sleeping teenager's cock. Put it away, man!

The Death Star II

Once again, production design is totally on point in the Star Wars universe. Like some kind of hideously deformed Pac-Man floating in space, the semi-constructed new Death Star is another terrifically iconic work of art, regardless of the practicalities involved in its actual construction. I mean how come nobody there seems to be doing any actual building work, and why didn't they cover it up with a lifesize painting of the original Death Star, like they do when they're renovating old buildings?

C-3PO is a shit translator

For someone who bangs on incessantly about being fluent in over six million forms of communication, you'd think 3PO might put on an accent every now and again. He always just sounds like a posh Englishman abroad reading loudly from a phrasebook.

Jabba The Hutt

I love this guy. Look at his flabby, fleshy folds and just imagine what he keeps inside them. He's so spectacularly disgusting, with his roly-poly tuba theme tune and his shot-from-below, Sydney Greenstreet stylings and his amazing collection of gloopy mucus, I just want to give him a big fat hug.

Leia is a bit mean

Determined not to be all soppy and girly about being in love with Han Solo because she's an independent woman of the '80s, Leia rescues her fella from the carbonite but stands there while he falls out of it and faceplants himself firmly in the concrete floor of Jabba's palace. That woman's gonna be hard work.

Episode 1: Episode IV: A New Hope

Episode 2: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Episode 4: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Episode 5: Episode II: Attack Of The Clones
Episode 6: Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith
Episode VII: The Force Awakens

What is the point of all this? I'll tell you. (short answer: no point)
Header pic by dark lord of the Sith Olly Moss

BlogalongaStarWars: Episode 2: Star Wars: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

The battle is over, but the Wars have just begun. As amazing, exciting and innovative as A New Hope was, it was an introduction, a mere prologue to the expansion of its own universe which is executed on such an epic scale in its sequel. This is the birth of the space opera; the moment where the fun kids' film matures, bringing all the agony and adventure of adolescence to the movies in wave after wave of thunderously enjoyable exploits. This... is The Empire Strikes Back.

If that comes across as a little pompous, then apologies. But also, fuck you. The Empire Strikes Back deserves every ounce of pomp heaped on it over the last 35 years, and I'm not about to change that. It's not alone in being a truly perfect sequel, but it is one of a mere handful: how so few franchises have failed to grasp its aims, its achievements and the efficiency of its setup is a complete mystery. Every character and their connections to each other are deepened, the significance of every action is weightier and everything is accomplished with cast iron confidence, despite the inherent risks: front-loading a massive sci-fi sequel with what should be its climactic battle so that the final act's focus can fall on the relationship between a father and a son is so ballsy that over three decades later, most blockbusters still daren't try anything similar. You can blame Star Wars for the dumbing down of populist cinema if you like, but The Empire Strikes Back showed the world a smarter alternative which seems to have been largely ignored. Even George Lucas can't be held responsible for that.

What?

Lucas' story reveals the true scope of his little space project, but Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan's script remembers that it's characters and friendships which are the hyperdrive that powers these films. Luke and Han's relationship is enviably solid, as evinced even in their first exchange of the film, and Han and Leia enjoy the most enjoyable unresolved sexual tension in cinema. It's a testament to the writing and acting that even when that sexual tension is resolved, we still can't take our eyes off them. Han is such a dick when he's trying to get in Leia's royal knickers that it's a painful reminder of how irrationally badly many of us behave while trying to impress a member of the opposite sex; as with most things, life would have been so much easier if only we were Harrison Ford.

Even Darth Vader is briefly humanised, that awkward shot of his boiled-egg bonce revealing him to be some kind of person after all, and it's the first step into the wider world of Vader's character that ends with his heroism at Return Of The Jedi's climax. Or maybe he's just trying to have a shit in peace for once without some underling reporting their latest failure, I dunno. Second-tierers Chewie, R2-D2 and C-3PO don't get much chance to evolve - in fact 3PO is so extraneous to the plot that Brackett and Kasdan have to blow him up to get him out of the way - but in their place comes Yoda, a miracle of puppeteering that could have derailed the film entirely had it been any less perfectly accomplished.

Iconic production design is still on-point too: the AT-ATs are unforgettable despite their colossal impracticality (don't the Empire have a TIE fighter equivalent of snowspeeders?), while Cloud City and Dagobah are beautifully realised, diametrically opposed settings. One of the saga's greatest assets is its uniquely distinct locations, never letting you forget where you are - geographically and emotionally - at any given point in the story, while emphasising the sweep of the narrative's universe. In an attempt to up the ante set by A New Hope's Star Destroyer, we get the Super Star Destroyer Executor, which appears to be powered by the very infernos of Hell, and Boba Fett takes over from Vader and the Stormtroopers as the galaxy's sharpest-dressed motherfucker.

As with the self-reflexive nature of A New Hope's David vs Goliath / Rebellion vs Empire / George Lucas vs Hollywood plot, here we see a young man learning the extent of his powers and working out how best to employ them. It's hard not to see Luke's failure at the cave as an ironic signposting of ill-advised decisions Lucas would make himself in the years to come, but for now the bearded genius is still just that. His decision to send his principal characters their separate ways at the climax is as audacious and inspired as all the others he's made up to this point, ensuring that a) the final act of his trilogy is primed and ready to unfold, and b) the green light for another film would be guaranteed by fan pressure, if nothing else. You might say, haha, that the force, right, is strong with thi- (*record scratch*)

"This is no cave"

The Falcon's escape from the jaws of the giant space worm thing - sorry, the Exogorth - is a perfect example of the trilogy's sense of humour and mischief; it's the epitome of the excitement of Han and Leia's adventures as counterpoint to the somewhat less thrilling goings-on on Dagobah. And the great thing about Star Wars is that any questions you might have about how such a beast might evolve or survive have been answered in intricate detail by people with exactly the right amount of time on their hands.

Lando's betrayal

It's semi-expected thanks to Han's casting doubt on Lando's character when he first mentions him, but the events leading to that particular dinner party on Bespin are no less traumatic. It seems like a missed opportunity for more Vader / Leia banter, but the focus on Solo - who at this point knows he's putting his life on the line for a fight he never intended to get into - makes him all the more the hero. What does Vader plan to eat, though? And more importantly, how?

"I love you" / "I know"

This line never made it into The Telegraph's recent 100 Greatest Movie Quotes Of All Time listicle, yet "I love lamp" did. Work that one out if you can.

The carbon freeze

Speaking of iconic production design, as I was, er, several paragraphs ago, is there any cooler representation of the vulnerability of the rugged action hero than this? I bawled my eyes out at this scene when I first saw The Empire Strikes Back, not because I thought Han was dead but because I suddenly realised he wasn't immortal and was overwhelmed by his sacrifice. Why yes, I did get picked on at school, why do you ask?

The Imperial March

Oh hi I'm John Williams and I've just tossed off the best piece of music in the entire history and future of cinema. Care for a mint?

Episode 1: Episode IV: A New Hope

Episode 3: Episode VI: Return Of The Jedi

Episode 4: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Episode 5: Episode II: Attack Of The Clones
Episode 6: Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith
Episode VII: The Force Awakens

What is the point of all this? I'll tell you. (short answer: no point)
Header pic by dark lord of the Sith Olly Moss

I have a bad feeling about this: introducing BlogalongaStarWars

Loyal and long-suffering victims of The Incredible Suit may recall the groundscratching exercise in group bloggery that was BlogalongaBond: a mass attempt to revisit and re-evaluate one James Bond film every month in the run-up to the release of Skyfall. Literally some bloggers took part (all 547 articles published can be found here) and it was roundly hailed as the least significant cultural event since the Renaissance.

Since then, other Blogalongs have surfaced under the stewardship of more hardy bloggers than I (Kinnemaniac's BlogalongaRusskie tackled the next obvious target for a mass blogging retrospective: Andrei Tarkovsky), but the original project left me a spent, dried up husk of a man, and I haven't felt the need to attempt anything so ambitious since.

UNTIL NOW.

Well, hang on, it's not that ambitious. I'm far too lazy to go through all that again. But the fact that there are seven months to go until the seventh Star Wars film comes out is too much to resist, so if I can be arsed, I think I might try and find something new to say concerning six films which between them have generated enough hot internet air to float Harry Knowles to Endor. I'm sure I'll fail, but if you have some kind of "web presence" and fancy joining in, feel free. The only rule I've set myself, which you can follow or fling out the window for all I care, is to do one blog post per month on each Star Wars film, in release order, beginning with Episode IV: A New Hope this month and ending (duh) with Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith in November. I neither know nor care if that's the best order to do them in but it's my blog and I'll do whatever I want in whoever's underpants I like.

Do let me know on Twitter if you fancy taking part and when you've posted something; I won't be setting up separate social media accounts like I did with BlogalongaBond but if I'm feeling generous I might share your efforts, provided they're not better than mine. Hashtag your stuff with #BlogalongaStarWars if you like and if it doesn't obliterate the 140-character limit.

May the force be ever in your favour.

Irvin Kershner 1923-2010

"There is no such thing as a perfect shot, a perfect film"

- Irvin Kershner, director of The Empire Strikes Back (a perfect film)

Saturday Playlist #8: Star Wars Episodes IV-VI

I'd like to think that everybody reading The Incredible Suit already has copies of these soundtracks at home and on regular rotation, but I suspect the world isn't really that perfect. So here's a playlist for those of you poor unfortunates yet to discover the unparallelled power and beauty of some of John Williams' finest work.

Each film is represented on the albums by so many orgasmic minutes of musical ear-fondling that it was a painful experience choosing which tracks to include in the playlist and which to leave out. A bit like choosing which of your children to feed to the others in the event of an apocalypse, only much more traumatising.

So I hope you enjoy it, and I would earnestly and passionately urge anyone who doesn't think they're 'into' soundtracks to get hold of the Star Wars score and play it as loudly as possible because it's absolutely, breathtakingly smashing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO

SATURDAY PLAYLIST #8:

STAR WARS EPISODES IV-VI

Incidentally, all of The Incredible Suit's Saturday Playlists can now be found in one handy place, on this page right here. For the terminally thick, you can also get there by clicking "Saturday Playlists" at the top of any page on the blog. I know that sounds obvious but you have to remember there are people almost as old as me reading.

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The Incredible Suit's 30-Minute Freeze-Frame Challenge #10: The Empire Strikes Back

The 30-Minute Freeze-Frame Challenge is a futile, inane experiment which judges a film's merits entirely on how good it looks at 30-minute intervals according to arbitrary and indistinct criteria applied by The Incredible Suit. For previous challenges, click the links on the right.

Thanks to The Incredible Suit viewer Anthony for suggesting we test the midichlorian count of The Empire Strikes Back, marking the fourth of the only 15 completely perfect films ever made to appear in the 30MFFC. I'd say "may the fourth be with you", but that would be neither funny nor relevant, so I won't.

The Empire Strikes Back is so full of iconic moments and images it makes me weep every time I see it that something so beautiful could, by a sheer fluke of timing, be made in my lifetime. However, as we have seen, even the majesty of The Godfather and the terrifying glory of Aliens weren't enough to make it through the 30-Minute Freeze-Frame Challenge in one piece. Will Empire escape from the jaws of a giant space worm or will it be frozen in carbonite and hung on the wall of a massive talking turd's palace?

Note: These shots and timings are from the 1997 Special Edition, the only one of the trilogy not to be rendered laughable by Mr Lucas' nonsensical tinkerings. I tried it with the original version too. It failed.

0:30:00 You can't park there sir, can't you see this is a giant metal camel crossing?

1:00:00 Luke is so confident in the force that he wanders round Dagobah with his eyes shut. In the next shot he walks into a tree. (I did something clever there, did you get it?)

1:30:00 I think that's Darth Vader in the middle there, but to be honest it could be Batman. Or Severus Snape. Or the chick from the Scottish Widows advert.

Result:

OK, I'm bored of the 30-Minute Freeze-Frame Challenge now, as I'm sure most of you were nine weeks ago. Let's call this the end of season one, and I'll bring it back some time in the future if the fanbase demands it. Keep sending in your suggestions though so I don't have to do too much thinking, and please tell all those people who've been avoiding The Incredible Suit every Wednesday for the last two months that it's safe to come back now.

May the fourth be with you.

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Star Wars And Other Galactic Funk

Following last Friday's noodle-frazzling clip of multiple C3P0s and Darth Vaders having some kind of nightmarish eurodisco wig-out, the worlds of Star Wars and Disco have been colliding before my eyes and ears like something from, well, When Worlds Collide, only with more slap-bass and less destruction of Earth.

Now many of you probably know exactly where the music came from and, seeing exactly where this post is heading, are right now popping off to read real movie blogs like UltraCulture or SlashFilm, and frankly I don't blame you. But for the uninitiated idiots, in which I include The Incredible Suit, the music you heard (assuming you bothered to play the clip) was from this album:

I don't know what those two are up to on the cover but one of them is certainly feeling a presence in the force.

Anyway this chap Meco was also responsible for this, which is well worth turning your speakers up for:



He also did the funky disco business with Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, Star Trek and Superman, but they're not very good I'm afraid. Look for them on YouTube if you want but you'll only be disappointed. Better to leave The Empire Strikes Back tune in your head and not spoil it.

If anyone has a vinyl copy of 'Star Wars And Other Galactic Funk' lying about the house that they don't listen to any more, please wrap it up carefully and pop it in the post addressed to:

The Incredible Suit

c/o The Interwebs

Thanks!

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Realistic Intestines

It’s my birthday soon, viewers. I’ve been struggling to think what I want, but the search is officially over. Not only is this the only thing I want for my birthday, it’s the only thing I want full stop. If I had this I’d burn all my other possessions. It’s all they deserve for being so utterly inferior to this truly, truly awesome product. By far its most fantastic feature is its realistic intestines.

Thanks to thinkgeek.com for being the second greatest website in the world.

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

If you’re looking at this thinking: “That’s it. The Incredible Suit has finally started coming apart at the seams”, you’re probably unfamiliar with The Empire Strikes Back, one of only 15 pure and perfect films ever made. Firstly: you poor, poor wretch. Secondly:

And while we’re in a Star Wars frame of mind, and seeing as it’s Friday, here’s something so unspeakably brilliant that you’ll start to hate weekends because The Incredible Suit isn’t there to pump Friday goodness directly into your happysockets:



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Noel Edmonds Was Right All Along

ShortList Magazine today published the results of a poll to find readers’ Top 20 films from the 1980s. The results were predictable but I more or less agreed – except for their Number 1, Raging Bull, which is as overrated a piece of cinema as Citizen Kane if you ask me, which you probably don’t, but then this is my blog so I’m afraid you’re just going to have to sit down and be quiet. The definitive five greatest films from the 1980s are obviously:

1. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
2. The Empire Strikes Back
3. Back To The Future
4. Die Hard
5. The Shining

But I digress. Publishing a list of top films from the ‘80s is as inspired as putting the front page at the front, and about as interesting. Now obviously ShortList is a free rag and is intended to be read by bleary-eyed commuters dribbling overpriced coffee onto their suits at christ o’clock in the morning, but come on now, really. Must try harder.

So imagine a magazine like ShortList, only much better, called The Incredible Suit, only it’s not wasting acres of trees only to end up in a landfill somewhere thanks to selfish tykes who can’t be arsed to locate their nearest recycling point, it is in fact online and in the form of a “web log”, or “blog” for short. Now stop imagining, because it’s right before your eyes! How amazing is that? It’s like you can make your wildest dreams come true just by imagining them! Noel Edmonds was right all along.

The Incredible Suit refuses to do anything as lacklustre as the Top 20 from the 1980s, but in a groundbreaking act of inversion and self-congratulatory smart-arsery I hereby present…

***THE TOP 80 MOVIES FROM THE 1920s!!***

Except, good grief, that would be a long and tedious list wouldn’t it, so let’s use some artistic licence and just make it the Top 8.

Now this was a decade before CGI, before colour, before surround sound, in fact much of it before sound full stop, so obviously it was rubbish. And I say that with little in the way of justification, knowledge or proof, but let’s be fair – if there were stacks of good movies made in the ‘20s they’d still be knocking around today, but most of them aren’t. However the Top 8 that are, I can officially announce in this exclusive poll of myself, are:

1. The General (Buster Keaton)
2. Sherlock Jr (Buster Keaton)
3. The Lodger (Alfred Hitchcock)
4. Why Worry? (Harold Lloyd)
5. Our Hospitality (Buster Keaton)
6. Seven Chances (Buster Keaton)
7. The Kid (Charlie Chaplin)
8. The Kid Brother (Harold Lloyd)

No doubt you've spotted there's no Metropolis or Dr Caligari, and I realise that this list is populated almost exclusively by silent comedians (Mr Hitchcock being the notable exception, although he was a bit of a silent comedian himself – look at his cameos), but that’s what I’ve been watching a lot of lately so that’s the way the silent cookie crumbles. DEAL WITH IT!

Thanks to Jeremiah McDonald for the video!