Bondesque Noisegasm

Congratulations, ladies! I think the less said about this the better, so let’s move swiftly on to something less likely to get me sued.

Preposterously overblown but quite brilliant rock mentalists Muse have said they’d say “Good grief yes of course” if they were asked to record a theme song for a James Bond film, according to this article on the BBC News website.

Now any band who wouldn’t say “Good grief yes of course” to such a request would be an olive short of a vodka martini, but what’s vaguely exciting about this, at least in the pathetically Bond-obsessed world of The Incredible Suit, is that I said yonks ago that Muse should do a Bond theme, and now it’s a step closer to becoming a reality.

Muse have exactly the right amount of outrageously pompous bombasticity in their music (i.e. way too much) to blow Shirley Bassey’s burly chassis to the moon, which is ironically roughly where Muse need to perform from in order for mere mortal ears not to explode from the sheer aural pummeling delivered by their music.

Furthermore, this means I can begin my campaign to demand who should be working on the 23rd Bond film. Between now and its release I’ll be making the case for The Incredible Suit’s choices and waiting for a call from Barbara Broccoli to ask me what my fee is for providing such a valuable service.

So far, we’ve obviously got to have Daniel Craig as Bond because he’s fricking marvellous, and as I mentioned in this post, Vincent Cassel has to be the villain because he’s ugly, foreign and hard enough to give 007 a good kicking, which is just what he needs, the arrogant tit. “I can’t seem to find the stationery” indeed. Who does he think he is?

And now we’ve got Muse doing the theme tune. I haven’t decided on a title yet, but if it were to be called “Supermassive Black Hole” that would be convenient as they’ve thoughtfully already written a Bondesque noisegasm by that name. Alternatively something like this would be equally appropriate:



Don't forget to spend your weekend having a Swizzlethon, then come back and tell The Incredible Suit: What was Patrick Swayze's Greatest Performance, Like, Ever? Not the best film he was in, because that would be Donnie Darko hands down, but in which movie did he rock a mullet and stare blankly like no other actor before or since? Eh? Eh?

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Fish Tank

Fish Tank is a new film by director Andrea Arnold, whose previous film Red Road won all sorts of trinkets for being generally gritty, British and quite good. I watched Red Road with my mother-in-law and her best friend, which turned out to be an interesting evening because none of us were expecting the uncomfortably lengthy and graphic oral sex scene in the film. That particular cinema has, apparently, had to replace the seat I was in because I squirmed so much I wore the cushion down.

And so it was with mother-in-law firmly tucked away elsewhere that I watched Fish Tank. As it turned out it wasn’t nearly as pornographic as Red Road, although there was an under age sex scene in there that made me glad I was mother-in-lawless.

The film follows Mia, a 15-year-old scallywag living in an Essex tower block with her mother, who’s only about 15 years older, and her younger sister. Perpetually confused and annoyed by everything and everyone around her, Mia squeezes a droplet of pleasure out of life by dancing in an abandoned flat by herself. When Mia’s mum brings a new man into the home, Mia finds herself bewildered by her conflicting emotions towards him.

The first thing anyone who talks about Fish Tank is required by law to mention is the performance of Katie Jarvis as Mia. Jarvis, having never acted before, was spotted having a barney with her fella at a train station and subsequently plucked from obscurity to take the demanding lead role. While she’s no Dame Judi, she’s still convincing as the troubled, aggressive teen, lashing out at the world like a cat that’s been kicked too often and sympathising with a chained up horse, a wild animal condemned to die in surroundings too restrictive for it to achieve its potential.

Although Jarvis and Michael Fassbender, as the charming, roguish, potentially life-destroying boyfriend, are excellent, there’s little else to recommend Fish Tank past the first half-hour or so. It’s a brutally honest portrayal of frustrated teen life on the crappy side of the class divide, certainly, but, like its central character, the film doesn’t know what to do with itself after a while and meanders along in potentially interesting directions before, bizarrely, deciding to go to Cardiff.

So while it’s directed with atmospheric flair and pumped full of realistic misery, confusion and depression, Fish Tank is one of those films that has enough interesting characters to fill 45 minutes of quality TV drama, but doesn’t really justify a two-hour feature.

It also had, like, NO explosions, car chases, aliens or robots, so how it expects to stand alongside the rest of the year’s quality entertainment is quite beyond me.


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Mr Pricklepants

Two Pixar-related factlets for you today; both of which could quite reasonably be classed as “old news”. I don’t get paid for this blog you know.

Anyway, one of these near-pensionable news items is quite possibly the single greatest piece of information I will ever impart to you, and the other is of such colossal inconsequence that I feel like ringing Pixar just before I fall asleep and then staying on the line for 8 hours, occasionally snoring and possibly mumbling something about arriving at work to discover I’ve forgotten to put any clothes on and all my teeth have fallen out.

See if you can tell which is which:

1. Timothy Dalton, who as we all know is officially the Best James Bond, Like, Ever, is playing a toy hedgehog called Mr Pricklepants in next year’s Toy Story 3. Toy Story 3, for those enjoying an extended stay at the home for the terminally dim, is a sequel to Toy Story 2, Pixar’s second-best film, like, ever.


2. Pixar will release Cars 2 in the summer of 2011. Cars 2, for those undergoing treatment for the inability to comprehend the palpably obvious, is a sequel to Cars, Pixar’s most quality-deficient film, like, ever.



Any ideas? Here’s a clue: the good news is in some way related to this clipvert:



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Patrick Swayze 1952-2009

The Incredible Suit would like to take a moment to thank the late Patrick Swayze for being quite legendary in Dirty Dancing, Road House, Ghost and especially Donnie Darko. I’m not so sure about Point Break, I think it was the bleached mullet.

Rest in peace The Swizzle.

“My way… or the highway”

(Road House, 1989)

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Les Petits Bastardes

The Incredible Suit is part of The Cineastes, a group of bloggers who review a film a month and link blogs in the hope of spreading the word of whatever it is we’re on about. September’s film is L’Enfance Nue, directed by Maurice Pialat in 1968.

The lovely folks at LoveFilm failed to send me a copy of L’Enfance Nue in time, so this article is based entirely, and rather fatuously, on the poster and trailer for the film. It might be best to watch the trailer before reading any further, otherwise this post is going to make even less sense than all my others. And that’s saying something.

***WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONTAINS MASSIVE FACTUAL INACCURACIES***

If you were to base your opinion of L’Enfance Nue entirely on its poster, you may believe it to be about two boys; one who’s incredibly smug because he’s stolen his grandad’s war medals, and another who intends to wipe that silly grin off his face by lobbing a Twix bar at him. Only one Twix bar, mind – the other he’s saving to give to a girl in exchange for a glimpse of her jumper bumpers.

However, having closely studied the trailer, it’s clear that medal theft and justice by confectionery-hurling is but one small aspect of this complex work of art.

A young scallywag – let’s call him Pierre – has got himself involved with a rum crowd of tinkers who force him to drop a cat down a stairwell as part of an initiation ceremony to their gang, Les Petits Bastardes. But all Pierre wants is to act out scenes from his favourite movies. He takes a girl to the countryside to educate her about the finer points of Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd and its throat-slashing fun, but she’s unimpressed. In fact she slaps Pierre before falling over for no apparent reason.

After overhearing an adult conversation about how great Forrest Gump was, Pierre attempts to run across France in an attempt to emulate the legendary simpleton. When he reaches his destination he celebrates by kicking a door down in the style of Jack Nicholson in The Shining, but he’s captured by grown-ups and plonked on the next train back to wherever he came from. Probably Paris.

On the journey he thinks about all the great movies that have featured trains, such as Strangers On A Train, North By Northwest and From Russia With Love. Pierre even attempts to recreate the famous James Bond / Red Grant fight on the Orient Express by paying a bigger boy to whack him across the chops with a pair of dirty underpants.

Back at school, Pierre is given a small child in an orange turtle neck to look after. Tragically the child reminds Pierre of Steve Buscemi’s character from Fargo, and Pierre promptly feeds the boy into a woodchipper (not shown in the trailer). The End.

The moral of the story is a universal one: Never trust LoveFilm to get a DVD to you on time.

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You can read the rest of The Cineastes’ reviews of L'Enfance Nue by clicking their links below:

Hope Lies at 24 Frames Per Second

The Bronze

Cackapoopants

It would appear there’s going to be a new Pirates Of The Caribbean film, subtitled “On Stranger Tides”, walking the plank and shivering me timbers in the summer of 2011. Just so you know I’m not making this up:

Seriously, I couldn’t be less interested in this if it was a six-hour documentary about Shia LaBeouf’s first experience on a potty. Ignoring the fact that the previous Pirates Of The Caribbean films were all cackapoopants, there’s a massive clue as to why On Stranger Tides is destined for nothing more than a 2-star review in Empire and a sound ignoring from The Incredible Suit: it’s the fourth movie in the franchise.

You’d think those dimwits in Hollywood would have worked it out by now. It doesn’t matter how successful, critically or financially, your film series is, if you make a fourth picture it will not be foursome. It will be fourful. Geddit? See what I did there? Oh fourget it.

OK, I know the head honchos at Warner, Fox, Universal and what have you are regular readers of The Incredible Suit, so let me spell it out. Here’s a list of some films that were the fourth to be made in a popular series. First, some of those that were so bad they actually tainted the memory of the first three:

Die Hard 4
Terminator: Salvation
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Star Wars: Episode I (Actually I like it but I’m in a minority. Of one)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Regular viewers will be only too aware who’s to blame for that)
Thunderball (If you think it’s actually good, go back and watch it again. It’s not)
Alien Resurrection
Superman IV
Batman And Robin
Lethal Weapon 4
Fantastic Four (Not strictly a fourquel but bad enough to be included)

Now, those that were not only good, but actually better than the first three:












So there you have it. Point made. Case rested. QED. Now who’s looking forward to The Hobbit?

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Puffed-Up Farthog

Pop quiz, hotshots! There's a blog on the internet. Once the posts go over 50, the blog is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?!

Well viewers, don’t panic, because a) I’m not a maniac bomber with a gammy hand overacting myself silly, and b) the post count is unlikely to drop below 50 unless I have a mental breakdown and remove the blog altogether, in which case there’s no chance of it blowing up. So I’ve saved the day!

All this apparently meaningless drivel is intended to point out that this is The Incredible Suit’s 50th post, and all of us here* are celebrating with a methuselah of champagne.** Why not have a glass yourself and reflect on the last half-century of Incredibility?***

So Empire Magazine have announced their regular waste-of-time-and-space poll to find the 100 Sexiest Movie Stars, Like, Ever. Personally I think celebrating the sexiness of people you don’t know seems a bit pointless. I mean, the winner of 2007’s poll was Angelina Jolie. Now she might look sexy with her unfeasibly inflated lips and that, but what if she suffers from unstoppable flatulence? What if she quacks off at the dinner table in front of your parents? Is that sexy? Is it a turn on if, upon removing her nethergarments, she reveals a whopping skidmark caused by her incessant bottom burpage?

So I’m turning this populist carnival of shallow on its head and introducing a poll to discover the ugliest movie star in existence. Now I realise my own rules can equally be applied to mingers – maybe they’re just ugly on the outside but beautiful, caring souls with hearts of gold under that repulsive surface. But if Empire can make a song and dance of being superficial, so can I.

Here, then, are The Incredible Suit’s six movie stars who were beaten the most with the ugly stick, then kicked with the ugly boot and finally pushed down the ugly stairs to land in a heap of ugly on the ugly floor. The cackling irony, of course, is that all these fuglybugs will be in Empire’s sexy list. Still, one man’s Angelina Jolie is another man’s puffed-up farthog. And yes, I realise I’m no Zooey Deschanel myself, that’s why I put my words on the interwebs and not my fizzog.

So who’s your munter of the year? Vote now! Or, vote later.

Russell Crowe

Desperate to play the lead in Justin Lee Collins: The Movie

Uma Thurman

All the features of a traditional beauty, but placed slightly too far apart

Vincent Cassel

What happens when your face hates you

Sarah Jessica Parker

She so ugly, when she born, doctor slap her momma!

Daniel Craig

Obviously Daniel’s ace, but just, y’know… an ace potato head

Paris Hilton

Actually I think she is ugly on the inside

* Just me
** A cup of tea
*** Because you’re not a raging loser, I imagine

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