A Vacuous, Irrelevant Steamroller

At long last, the interminably tedious awards season has trundled to a halt like a vacuous, irrelevant steamroller running out of vacuous, irrelevant steam. Given that The Incredible Suit has its finger on the pulse of the movie world, I thought it might be interesting to cast a glance back at some of the award winners and see what I had to say about them at the time of their release:

The Golden Globe Award for Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy

The Irish Film And Television Award for Best International Actor

The Incredible Suit:
"I'm reasonably sure that Holmes wasn't American"

The Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture (Drama)

The Broadcast Film Critics Association Award for Best Action Movie

The Incredible Suit: "Apocalyptically awful"

The Evening Standard British Film Award for Best Film

The BAFTA Award for Outstanding British Film

The British Independent Film Award for Best Director

The Cannes Film Festival Jury Prize

The London Critics Circle Film Award for British Film Of The Year

The Incredible Suit:
"It had, like, NO explosions, car chases, aliens or robots"

The Critics' Choice Movie Award for Best Adapted Screenplay

The BAFTA Award for Best Adapted Screenplay

The Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture Screenplay

The LA Film Critics Association Award for Best Screenplay

The USA National Board of Review Award for Best Film

The Incredible Suit:
"In no way is it exceptional, extraordinary or otherwise notable"

The London Critics' Circle Award for Film Of The Year

The BAFTA Award for Best Film Not In The English Language

The Cannes Film Festival Grand Prize of the Jury

The London Film Festival Award for Best Film

The French Cesar Award for Best Film

The Incredible Suit: "A bit rubbish"

The Oscar for Best Film and Best Director

The BAFTA Award for Best Film and Best Director

The Broadcast Film Critics Association Award for Best Film & Best Director

The Directors Guild of America Award for Outstanding Director

The LA Film Critics Association Award for Best Picture and Best Director

The USA National Film Critics Award for Best Film and Best Director

The Incredible Suit:
"The kind of film the words 'six out of ten' were made for"

So now you know where to come in future for all your on-the-nose movie reviews.

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Fish Tank

Fish Tank is a new film by director Andrea Arnold, whose previous film Red Road won all sorts of trinkets for being generally gritty, British and quite good. I watched Red Road with my mother-in-law and her best friend, which turned out to be an interesting evening because none of us were expecting the uncomfortably lengthy and graphic oral sex scene in the film. That particular cinema has, apparently, had to replace the seat I was in because I squirmed so much I wore the cushion down.

And so it was with mother-in-law firmly tucked away elsewhere that I watched Fish Tank. As it turned out it wasn’t nearly as pornographic as Red Road, although there was an under age sex scene in there that made me glad I was mother-in-lawless.

The film follows Mia, a 15-year-old scallywag living in an Essex tower block with her mother, who’s only about 15 years older, and her younger sister. Perpetually confused and annoyed by everything and everyone around her, Mia squeezes a droplet of pleasure out of life by dancing in an abandoned flat by herself. When Mia’s mum brings a new man into the home, Mia finds herself bewildered by her conflicting emotions towards him.

The first thing anyone who talks about Fish Tank is required by law to mention is the performance of Katie Jarvis as Mia. Jarvis, having never acted before, was spotted having a barney with her fella at a train station and subsequently plucked from obscurity to take the demanding lead role. While she’s no Dame Judi, she’s still convincing as the troubled, aggressive teen, lashing out at the world like a cat that’s been kicked too often and sympathising with a chained up horse, a wild animal condemned to die in surroundings too restrictive for it to achieve its potential.

Although Jarvis and Michael Fassbender, as the charming, roguish, potentially life-destroying boyfriend, are excellent, there’s little else to recommend Fish Tank past the first half-hour or so. It’s a brutally honest portrayal of frustrated teen life on the crappy side of the class divide, certainly, but, like its central character, the film doesn’t know what to do with itself after a while and meanders along in potentially interesting directions before, bizarrely, deciding to go to Cardiff.

So while it’s directed with atmospheric flair and pumped full of realistic misery, confusion and depression, Fish Tank is one of those films that has enough interesting characters to fill 45 minutes of quality TV drama, but doesn’t really justify a two-hour feature.

It also had, like, NO explosions, car chases, aliens or robots, so how it expects to stand alongside the rest of the year’s quality entertainment is quite beyond me.


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