Cackapoopants

It would appear there’s going to be a new Pirates Of The Caribbean film, subtitled “On Stranger Tides”, walking the plank and shivering me timbers in the summer of 2011. Just so you know I’m not making this up:

Seriously, I couldn’t be less interested in this if it was a six-hour documentary about Shia LaBeouf’s first experience on a potty. Ignoring the fact that the previous Pirates Of The Caribbean films were all cackapoopants, there’s a massive clue as to why On Stranger Tides is destined for nothing more than a 2-star review in Empire and a sound ignoring from The Incredible Suit: it’s the fourth movie in the franchise.

You’d think those dimwits in Hollywood would have worked it out by now. It doesn’t matter how successful, critically or financially, your film series is, if you make a fourth picture it will not be foursome. It will be fourful. Geddit? See what I did there? Oh fourget it.

OK, I know the head honchos at Warner, Fox, Universal and what have you are regular readers of The Incredible Suit, so let me spell it out. Here’s a list of some films that were the fourth to be made in a popular series. First, some of those that were so bad they actually tainted the memory of the first three:

Die Hard 4
Terminator: Salvation
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Star Wars: Episode I (Actually I like it but I’m in a minority. Of one)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Regular viewers will be only too aware who’s to blame for that)
Thunderball (If you think it’s actually good, go back and watch it again. It’s not)
Alien Resurrection
Superman IV
Batman And Robin
Lethal Weapon 4
Fantastic Four (Not strictly a fourquel but bad enough to be included)

Now, those that were not only good, but actually better than the first three:












So there you have it. Point made. Case rested. QED. Now who’s looking forward to The Hobbit?

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Sweet Zombie Jesus

According to this article on the BBC News website, legendary minger Johnny Depp is so uninterested in watching himself in his movies that he “does not even check his on-screen appearance during the shooting of a film”. Now understandably he’s a busy chap, what with all those pesky movies interfering with his other activities like washing up, playing Facebook Scrabble with Orlando Bloom and making endless cups of tea for his demanding missus Vanessa Paradis, but it strikes me that he might be missing something here.

You see, he probably trusts his hair and make-up team to do their job properly, and as a result he thinks he looks like this in all his movies:
But somewhere along the line somebody’s been playing a cruel practical joke on the Deppster, and in some of these films he’s gone out looking, well, a little bit odd. A touch silly, you might even say. Occasionally, to be honest, he looks almost as ridiculous as when Ian Beale grew that moustache in EastEnders.

I felt it my duty to point out to Johnny what he looked like in some of his flicks, and I can tell you he was quite cross indeed. Here are some of the shots I showed him, along with his responses:

Sweeney Todd

“Oh dear me”

Pirates Of The Caribbean

“Oh crap, would you look at that”

Before Night Falls

“What in the name of Britney Spears?!?!”

Edward Scissorhands

“SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS AND A BUSLOAD OF BURNING NUNS ON A FLAMING CRUCIFIX, WHAT IN SATAN’S BOXERS IS THAT?!?!”

Alice In Wonderland

At this point Johnny threw up out of his eye sockets, which wasn’t a pretty sight I can tell you, so I thought it prudent to leave it at that.

With that valuable service selflessly carried out, I left Vanessa to clean up the mess and made a swift exit before she set their pet Tim Burton on me.