Tuesday 7 July 2009

Sweet Zombie Jesus

According to this article on the BBC News website, legendary minger Johnny Depp is so uninterested in watching himself in his movies that he “does not even check his on-screen appearance during the shooting of a film”. Now understandably he’s a busy chap, what with all those pesky movies interfering with his other activities like washing up, playing Facebook Scrabble with Orlando Bloom and making endless cups of tea for his demanding missus Vanessa Paradis, but it strikes me that he might be missing something here.

You see, he probably trusts his hair and make-up team to do their job properly, and as a result he thinks he looks like this in all his movies:
But somewhere along the line somebody’s been playing a cruel practical joke on the Deppster, and in some of these films he’s gone out looking, well, a little bit odd. A touch silly, you might even say. Occasionally, to be honest, he looks almost as ridiculous as when Ian Beale grew that moustache in EastEnders.

I felt it my duty to point out to Johnny what he looked like in some of his flicks, and I can tell you he was quite cross indeed. Here are some of the shots I showed him, along with his responses:

“Oh dear me”

“Oh crap, would you look at that”

“What in the name of Britney Spears?!?!”

“SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS AND A BUSLOAD OF BURNING NUNS ON A FLAMING CRUCIFIX, WHAT IN SATAN’S BOXERS IS THAT?!?!”

At this point Johnny threw up out of his eye sockets, which wasn’t a pretty sight I can tell you, so I thought it prudent to leave it at that.

With that valuable service selflessly carried out, I left Vanessa to clean up the mess and made a swift exit before she set their pet Tim Burton on me.

5 comments :

  1. I bet he doesn't check himself out in shop windows either. There's literally no need. Is it wrong that I am strangely drawn to The Mad Hatter now? I do like tea...

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  2. Fried Pisces, if The Incredible Suit has brought you emotionally closer to a deranged fictional character then my work here is done. Now put the kettle on.

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  3. Actually, the more I look at the Mad Hatter picture, the more I think he looks like Madonna, and there's no "Mad" pun intended, he really does look like Madonna.

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  4. Fried Pisces, there's definitely a hint of Madge in there. Maybe it's actually her in another of her tedious "reinventions"?

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  5. Hmm, you could be right...although I heard her latest incarnation was The Child Catcher.

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