Malodorous Bowel Movement

Tragic, wretched news reached me last week. I struggled to put a brave face on it but in the end I had to climb into an open sewer and bury myself under the toilet-business of the people of Great Britain for the weekend to get away from the horribility. Even this didn’t help so I set fire to my shoes to distract me from the awfulness. Still no relief, and now my feet hurt. Well, a problem shared is a problem doubled, and as only about one person reads this I can double the problem with you, the viewer.

There’s going to be another Bridget Jones film.

The following headlines from various websites reveal the true misery of the situation, but I noticed that if you shuffle them into a certain order they become an uncannily accurate metaphor. I’ve helpfully decoded what I think the headline writers were trying to say in that clever, journalisty, double-entendre kind of way they have.

From Dark Horizons (appropriately):
“A Third ‘Bridget Jones’ In Development”
i.e. developing in someone’s bowels into a massive, film-shaped poo

From Ananova:
“Third Bridget Jones movie imminent”
In much the same way as a turtle’s head indicates something is imminent

From Tribute:
“Renee Zellweger to do third Bridget Jones movie”
In much the same way as someone might do a third malodorous bowel movement

From UPI:
“Third 'Bridget Jones' movie on its way”
On its way to that toilet in Trainspotting where it belongs

From BBC News:
“Third Bridget Jones in pipeline”
Presumably, the pipeline that runs from that toilet in Trainspotting into the sewage works

From Variety:
“Third 'Bridget Jones' in works”
Yeah, the sewage works I just mentioned

So, miserable news for about 6.5 billion people, but at least the press are getting the right message across.

In other, considerably less negative news, I watched Moon the other day. Here’s what I expect the DVD cover to look like when it’s released:

Hopefully that won't hurt DVD sales too much. It really is very good indeed.