Monday, 20 July 2009

Malodorous Bowel Movement

Tragic, wretched news reached me last week. I struggled to put a brave face on it but in the end I had to climb into an open sewer and bury myself under the toilet-business of the people of Great Britain for the weekend to get away from the horribility. Even this didn’t help so I set fire to my shoes to distract me from the awfulness. Still no relief, and now my feet hurt. Well, a problem shared is a problem doubled, and as only about one person reads this I can double the problem with you, the viewer.

There’s going to be another Bridget Jones film.

The following headlines from various websites reveal the true misery of the situation, but I noticed that if you shuffle them into a certain order they become an uncannily accurate metaphor. I’ve helpfully decoded what I think the headline writers were trying to say in that clever, journalisty, double-entendre kind of way they have.

From Dark Horizons (appropriately):
“A Third ‘Bridget Jones’ In Development”
i.e. developing in someone’s bowels into a massive, film-shaped poo

From Ananova:
“Third Bridget Jones movie imminent”
In much the same way as a turtle’s head indicates something is imminent

From Tribute:
“Renee Zellweger to do third Bridget Jones movie”
In much the same way as someone might do a third malodorous bowel movement

From UPI:
“Third 'Bridget Jones' movie on its way”
On its way to that toilet in Trainspotting where it belongs

From BBC News:
“Third Bridget Jones in pipeline”
Presumably, the pipeline that runs from that toilet in Trainspotting into the sewage works

From Variety:
“Third 'Bridget Jones' in works”
Yeah, the sewage works I just mentioned

So, miserable news for about 6.5 billion people, but at least the press are getting the right message across.

In other, considerably less negative news, I watched Moon the other day. Here’s what I expect the DVD cover to look like when it’s released:

Hopefully that won't hurt DVD sales too much. It really is very good indeed.


  1. The LA Times headline was "Stand back Renee Zelleger set to explode in Bridget Jones 3". I'll leave you to make an appropriate scatological translation of that one... Anne

  2. LOL at previous comment. I was also upset about this news. I set fire to my pubic hair and put out the flames with a spade.

  3. Anne, great use of the word 'scatological'. Duly noted.

  4. Chrisseh, I don't know what to say. Except perhaps, "ow".