Malodorous Bowel Movement

Tragic, wretched news reached me last week. I struggled to put a brave face on it but in the end I had to climb into an open sewer and bury myself under the toilet-business of the people of Great Britain for the weekend to get away from the horribility. Even this didn’t help so I set fire to my shoes to distract me from the awfulness. Still no relief, and now my feet hurt. Well, a problem shared is a problem doubled, and as only about one person reads this I can double the problem with you, the viewer.

There’s going to be another Bridget Jones film.

The following headlines from various websites reveal the true misery of the situation, but I noticed that if you shuffle them into a certain order they become an uncannily accurate metaphor. I’ve helpfully decoded what I think the headline writers were trying to say in that clever, journalisty, double-entendre kind of way they have.

From Dark Horizons (appropriately):
“A Third ‘Bridget Jones’ In Development”
i.e. developing in someone’s bowels into a massive, film-shaped poo

From Ananova:
“Third Bridget Jones movie imminent”
In much the same way as a turtle’s head indicates something is imminent

From Tribute:
“Renee Zellweger to do third Bridget Jones movie”
In much the same way as someone might do a third malodorous bowel movement

From UPI:
“Third 'Bridget Jones' movie on its way”
On its way to that toilet in Trainspotting where it belongs

From BBC News:
“Third Bridget Jones in pipeline”
Presumably, the pipeline that runs from that toilet in Trainspotting into the sewage works

From Variety:
“Third 'Bridget Jones' in works”
Yeah, the sewage works I just mentioned

So, miserable news for about 6.5 billion people, but at least the press are getting the right message across.

In other, considerably less negative news, I watched Moon the other day. Here’s what I expect the DVD cover to look like when it’s released:

Hopefully that won't hurt DVD sales too much. It really is very good indeed.

Pesky Consumption

So last night I watched Chicago, which is officially A Great Movie. I don’t generally go a bundle on musicals, although having said that I do like Grease and Singin’ In The Rain a lot and I love Moulin Rouge! as if it were my only child. Maybe I do go a bundle on musicals after all. That’ll teach me to kick off with a rash statement. I must make a mental note to carefully consider my opinions before releasing them into the wild like that. Who knows what might happen?

Funnily enough Chicago has little going for it in my fascist book of what makes a good movie. I can’t stand Catherine Zeta-Jones, Renee Zellweger or Richard Gere and there’s really very little story of which to speak. However it is a musical and therefore its USPs are its songs, and this is where it wins almost all the furry toys at the coconut shy. I say almost because the song "All I Care About", which Gere sings, merely glances the side of one of the coconuts, causing it to wobble slightly but remain firmly in place as if it was suspiciously glued there by the lethargic pikey running the stall who hates the coconut shy and can’t wait to go and take charge of the waltzers where he can hang onto the cars of teenage girls, looking swarthy and making sure they get spun REALLY fast while geeks like me get a cursory shove which serves only to give a less thrilling ride than you might get in a reclining armchair.

"Cell Block Tango" and "We Both Reached For The Gun" are the winners for me; Zellweger looks worryingly sexy dressed as a ventriloquist’s dummy, which may explain all those strange feelings I had watching Keith Harris and Orville all those years ago. As you can see I’ve chosen a very bad picture to illustrate my point. I couldn’t be bothered looking any further than the first page of results when I searched for that shot. Sorry.

There’s also lots of dancing in Chicago, as you might expect, and that’s quite good too, especially in the last number which CZJ and the ‘weger perform together. Sadly CZJ is just a touch too toned and manly while Zellweger is too skinny so I can’t give either of them the special treatment I would give Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge!, that is if she would stop coughing up blood all over the place because of her pesky consumption. I mean it’s hardly a turn-on is it?

Top 5 Musicals, like, ever:

1. Moulin Rouge!
2. Singin’ In The Rain
3. Grease
4. Chicago
5. The Wizard Of Oz