Friday, 22 July 2011

This Month's Bond 23 Post

With all the rumours bouncing about at the moment regarding the casting of the next James Bond film, literally some of you have asked why I haven't been covering these developments in my own tiresome style. Obviously the reason is that if I wrote about every Bond casting rumour as it happened, The Incredible Suit would soon become little more than a stream of geeky ramblings about unimportant film news. Imagine that.

For the record, in addition to previously rumoured stars, Naomie Harris and Rhys Ifans have recently had their names puked up in connection with the film. I've got my own thoughts about this but until Bond producers EON officially announce the cast, I'll keep them to myself where they belong, like the Daily Telegraph should have done instead of shitting out this remarkable headline:
What I can't quite keep to myself any longer is my excitement that Javier Bardem might be playing a bad guy. In case you weren't sure, this is officially
Here are more than three but fewer than five reasons why:

He could kick Bond's ass like it was a cheap dinner set
Now that we've got a James Bond who can run through walls and shatter your spine with a twitch of his nipples, we need a bad guy who's a believable physical match for him. Neither Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen) nor Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric) posed much of a threat to 007 so it'll be great to see the arrogant bastard getting the living daylights kicked out of him by a massive Spaniard.

He's foreign
I'm no racist - hell, I'm on first name terms with at least two Scotsmen - but in these post-PC days where Bond can't smoke or sleep with more than two women, it's only right that we cling to Ian Fleming's insane mistrust of anybody who doesn't speak the Queen's English. And Bardem's accent is amazing. Watch this and tell me I'm wrong. I'm not.

He's a sexy mofo
I'm not gay - hell, my wife is a female lady - but come on, you would, wouldn't you? Of course you would. It's all very well being a Goldfinger-ugly munter but what would get certain sections of the audience more juiced than a bare-chested Bardem / Craig hunk-off? Your traditional Bond baddie should really have some kind of disfigurement though, so it would have to be a lady-pleasing one. Christopher Lee had a third nipple so I don't see why Bardem can't have an extra cock or something.

He can act
Have you seen Biutiful? No, me neither. Um... ooh, have you seen No Country For Old Men? He's good in that. And he could have a crazy haircut and everything.

In the meantime, crank up your excitotron another notch, because it's just...


  1. I have seen Biutiful and can confirm that Javier Bardem is extraordinary. He can command a scene just by being in it even if he isn't doing anything. If Javier is to be a Bond villian, then whoever plays Bond is going to have to act their socks off just to stay level with him. Javier could of course play Bond. If the English character has been played by a Scot then why not a Spaniard? Michael Portillo is half Spanish and was part of the Establishment so why not Javier? He would be absolutely splendid as Bond. Where Daniel Craig showed a softer more caring Bond the Javier Bond would be more steely and ruthless.

  2. You know, I think you should forget about all this 'Incredible Suit' business, rebrand your blog as 'THE BOND 23 MEGABLOG' and churn out something like this every day, for the next 462 days. This sort of in-depth analysis keeps people like me alive.

  3. That wasn't meant to be sarcastic, either, even though it sounded a bit like it was. I'M SERIOUS.

  4. Caillan Williams22 July 2011 at 14:01

    After Googling 'Javier Bardem naked' in the name of research (I also have a lady friend with lady-partys), I can confirm we currently have merely one cock. Thank god for modern special effects.

    Also, if you have an even slight foreign accent and wish to act in an UK/US movie, do they force you to take tasteful black and white photos of yourself in the buff for publication? I can't explain it any other way. They all do it.

  5. We all know Xavier would kick arse, that's a given, but he would need to escape at the end because he is too cool to kill off. In fact maybe he should kill Craig off.

    My favourite thing about this article is how the O's in the "A good thing" pic circle his eyes in a Harry-Potter-specs-style. Hopefully they'll use a similar image for when 007 rolls on the screen