BlogalongaBond / Skyfall And The Wilderness Years

FAIR WARNING: This post is a festival of spoilers. It assumes that you've either seen Skyfall or you don't mind knowing most of its surprises. If neither of those apply to you but you still fancy some Skyfall review action, head this way for completely spoiler-free waffle.

Here we are then. This is the end; hold your breath and count to ten. After nearly two years of incessant Bondwaffle, the world's greatest blogging experiment comes crashing to a climax with the world's greatest twenty-threequel (excluding Carry On Matron), Skyfall. With Quantum Of Solace still stinking out the memories of Bond fans and normal people alike, could Daniel Craig's third Bond film be his Goldfinger, his The Spy Who Loved Me?

Well, not quite. Skyfall is undoubtedly great, but it's no Casino Royale. In fact it's hard to rank it alongside any other Bond films, simply because for half the time it doesn't feel much like a Bond film at all. The familiar half - the bits with the Bond theme, the OTT set-pieces, the tux and so on - goes to enormous lengths to reassure after two films light on the perceived tropes. Direct references to previous entries abound: an opening in which Bond is apparently killed (You Only Live Twice); an Aston Martin with an ejector seat (Goldfinger); an escape via reptile-hopping (Live And Let Die); and a gun which only Bond can operate (Licence To Kill). That's Connery, Moore and Dalton fans taken care of right there; all we need is a beefed-up role for M, as we saw in the Brosnan years, and a Lazenby-era last-minute death of a loved one and everyone's happy.

Well. Almost everyone.

The remainder of Skyfall, though, is so unlike the rest of the canon that it takes every ounce of director Sam Mendes' skill to make the film work. Like master chefs, Mendes and writers Neal Purvis, Robert Wade and John Logan blend old cheese with fresh milk and come out with delicious Skyfall sauce. The film's delicate balancing act is executed flawlessly, never tipping too far into crass comedy or overwrought drama, and its unexpected twists and turns free the series from the shackles of the past, making anything possible in the future.

Ironically though, the future looks oddly familiar - at least if the final scene of Skyfall is anything to go by. The roughly ten-year cycle that Bond films go through from knockabout caper to frowny revenge thriller looks to be heading back to the former, and for once I'm excited about it. I love Serious Bond, but I'm ready for him to relax now, enjoy himself, maybe find Quantum and blow up a volcano or two. Let's leave the brow-furrowing introspection for Fassbender to deal with in 2018.

Of course no Bond film is perfect (not even Licence To Kill), and Skyfall sports two major wrinkles which, while not enough to derail the film, are difficult to ignore for those of us tragic enough to care about what remains of the franchise's Craig-era continuity.

The first is the feeling we're left with at the end, which is uncannily similar to that with which we were left at the end of the previous two Bond films. By Casino Royale's climax, this MI6 noob had gained his licence to kill, his Aston Martin, his theme tune and his excuse for treating women like tissues to jizz into and dispose of immediately, so that when he defiantly pronounces himself "Bond... James Bond" at the end, he's finally ready to serve Queen and country. Hooray! Then, in Quantum Of Solace, it turned out he wasn't quite James Bond yet - he still had to go through a deeply personal mission in order to get a load of emotional baggage out of the way, after which he was finally ready to serve Queen and country. Hooray, again! Now, at the end of Skyfall, after going on another deeply personal mission and getting another load of emotional baggage out of the way, he's *sigh* finally ready to serve Queen and country. Hooray again, again. Can he get on with his job now? Please?

The other problem is Skyfall's portrayal of 007 as a knackered old codger. So recently rebooted and shown in his formative years as a double-0, Bond is a dinosaur just four years later. He must have gone through a hell of a lot after locking up Vesper's double-crossing boyfriend to be so jaded so soon. In its defence, it's the emotional core of the script that requires Bond to be past it: it's imperative that he and M, who's also under attack for age-related incompetence, identify with each other and stick together. The James Bond of Quantum Of Solace could have gone through the same motions as Skyfall's Bond, but he would have been doing it out of duty rather than the friendship and, dare I say it, love that underpins his actions here. As a result, 2012 Bond is a far more human hero; it's just that barring even more indistinct timeline-hopping (don't be surprised if Bond 24 is set between Casino Royale and Quantum Of Solace and explains why he changed his suit), Bond can only get even older from here on in.

But like so many niggles (the bizarrely empty tube train; the sudden onset of darkness when Silva attacks Skyfall lodge; the fact that Bond doesn't even loosen his tie or undo his jacket on his 500-mile drive up the A1), this timeline-mangling is just something you have to get over. If you can't get over it though, fear not: Bond's diaries are readily available, and explain everything you need to know about the wilderness years between Quantum Of Solace and Skyfall...

2008 Busy year. Lots of it went by in a near-incomprehensible blur. Found out all sorts of stuff about Quantum and managed to not kill the two people associated with it that I wanted to kill the most. M reckons this is progress. 2009 Quiet year at work. Couldn't find Quantum so stayed in and watched Straw Dogs a lot. I liked the guy defending his isolated home from nutters. I could see myself doing that, only I'm never going home because I hate that place and there's a weird old man who lives there by himself with no supplies of any kind and thinks he's Sean Connery. Haven't killed anyone for ages, starting to wonder if I've still got it in me. Found my first grey hair too. 2010 Not that I'm having a midlife crisis or anything but I decided to soup up the DB5. Took it into Q Branch where they made it right-hand drive and fitted revolving number plates and machine guns like in a film I saw once, then they stuck in an ejector seat for LOLs. Those guys! Agent Ronson gave me a new watch for Christmas. It's an Omega Seamaster Planet Ocean 600M. It follows in the footsteps of its illustrious predecessors by sporting a raft of specialist diving features including a rotating diving bezel, a chromium nitride diving scale and water resistance up to 600 metres. Also it goes nicely with these Tom Ford suits. Ronson is just the best. I call him 'my new Leiter', LOL! We go to the gym together a lot, although he's much fitter than me. He introduced me to Home Alone, a film about a kid defending his home from nutters with all these crazy traps. As if! Still haven't found Quantum. Beginning to worry that I'm losing my edge. 2011 I'm definitely getting old: thought I saw Quantum's Mr White in Waitrose so I shot him in the head. Turns out it was M's husband buying her weekly bottle of Macallan Scotch. Awk-ward! Not as awkward as the funeral though: I got drunk with M on Heineken (won't be drinking that shit again unless I'm in a VERY bad way) and slept with her. In a way it brought us much closer. Even moved in with her for a while but she kicked me out for watching Straw Dogs and Home Alone all the time. Still got a key to her flat though, never know when it might come in handy. Got drunk at the Christmas party and slept with Agent Ronson. Interesting experience. Still, there's got to be a first time for everything. He's taking it all a bit seriously, says he'd die for me, all that stuff. Trying to avoid him by changing gyms and spending all my time there. As a result I'm pretty buff right now, which means that none of my suits fit. Must do something about that. 2012 Got a bit depressed about the M situation this year so went to the cinema a lot to try and forget. Watched The Dark Knight Rises eight times. Batman sure knows how to pick himself up from a crippling incident that nearly killed him and defeat a formidable ally despite being a bit out of shape! Inspiring stuff. Saw M in Waitrose and patched things up. While we were chatting some guy nicked her laptop out of her handbag and neither of us noticed till we got to the office. We're definitely both losing it. Now I've got to go to bloody Turkey with Agent Ronson to try and find it. Hope he stops banging on about dying for me, it's embarrassing. Also some bimbo's coming with us but for some ridiculous reason she won't tell me her name. Says she's 'waiting for the right moment'. Not sure I trust her: I watched her at the shooting range the other day and she couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if she was in it. Not to worry, I'm sure she can't do too much harm.   So I leave for Istanbul tomorrow. Left a note in the kitchen for May, my elderly Scottish housekeeper: "Pls cancel milk. Oh and don't let those MI6 bastards sell the flat. James Bond will return."

The cuff adjustment

In moments of extreme Bondiness, Pierce Brosnan straightened his tie. Daniel Craig prefers to ensure that his cuffs are protruding exactly the right length from his sleeves. This is the first sign that Skyfall isn't taking itself too seriously, and it's perfectly judged.

The Shanghai fight

The zenith of Roger Deakins' cinematography in Skyfall comes in this incredible scrap between Bond and Patrice. Shot in one take, entirely in silhouette, with humungous neon jellyfish floating across the background, it's the artiest fight Bond's ever had. It's also a triumph of choreography; every crunching kick and punch looks brutally convincing.

Silva's introduction

The lengthy, one-take monologue about rats is one thing, but the following banter between Bond and Silva is absolute gold. Craig wisely lets Bardem provide the pantomime, so that when he deadpans "what makes you think this is my first time?" it deflates Silva and slays the audience. It would be great to think that Bond has had to go mano y mano in the past to get the job done, although if Ian Fleming were alive he'd have an absolute dickie fit, the massive homophobe.

Tennyson

Skyfall drops a devastating slice of near-arthouse cinema on us in this tremendous scene which further encapsulates all that is Bond. Reciting Tennyson's Ulysses in voiceover while 007 legs it up Whitehall to her rescue, M reminds both her inquisitors and the audience that although the British Empire may be a distant memory and secret agents may be a relic of the Cold War, the world still needs heroes. And most of all, it still needs James Bond.

M's death

It was a long time coming (as great as DJD is, her presence in the post-Brosnan films has always stopped me sleeping at night), but when M finally resigns for good in Bond's arms, orphaning him again, I don't mind saying I wept for the first time in a Bond film since Roger Moore snowboarded to the Beach Boys. She may have been a continuity-buggering irritant but I'll miss her potty mouth.

And finally: Hopefully New Bond won't be forgetting Little James in the future:

EVE is apologising to BOND for shooting him in the chest, thereby ruining the mission and injuring him so badly that he almost died.

BOND

It was only four ribs. Some of the less vital organs...
(he leans closer to EVE and whispers)
nothing... major.

BlogalongaBond will return with Spectre

What the hell is BlogalongaBond? I'll tell you.

Further BlogalongaBondareading here

This Month's Bond 23 Post

With all the rumours bouncing about at the moment regarding the casting of the next James Bond film, literally some of you have asked why I haven't been covering these developments in my own tiresome style. Obviously the reason is that if I wrote about every Bond casting rumour as it happened, The Incredible Suit would soon become little more than a stream of geeky ramblings about unimportant film news. Imagine that.

For the record, in addition to previously rumoured stars, Naomie Harris and Rhys Ifans have recently had their names puked up in connection with the film. I've got my own thoughts about this but until Bond producers EON officially announce the cast, I'll keep them to myself where they belong, like the Daily Telegraph should have done instead of shitting out this remarkable headline:

What I can't quite keep to myself any longer is my excitement that Javier Bardem might be playing a bad guy. In case you weren't sure, this is officially

Here are more than three but fewer than five reasons why:

He could kick Bond's ass like it was a cheap dinner set

Now that we've got a James Bond who can run through walls and shatter your spine with a twitch of his nipples, we need a bad guy who's a believable physical match for him. Neither Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen) nor Dominic Greene (Mathieu Amalric) posed much of a threat to 007 so it'll be great to see the arrogant bastard getting the living daylights kicked out of him by a massive Spaniard.

He's foreign

I'm no racist - hell, I'm on first name terms with at least two Scotsmen - but in these post-PC days where Bond can't smoke or sleep with more than two women, it's only right that we cling to Ian Fleming's insane mistrust of anybody who doesn't speak the Queen's English. And Bardem's accent is amazing. Watch this and tell me I'm wrong. I'm not.

He's a sexy mofo

I'm not gay - hell, my wife is a female lady - but come on, you would, wouldn't you? Of course you would. It's all very well being a Goldfinger-ugly munter but what would get certain sections of the audience more juiced than a bare-chested Bardem / Craig hunk-off? Your traditional Bond baddie should really have some kind of disfigurement though, so it would have to be a lady-pleasing one. Christopher Lee had a third nipple so I don't see why Bardem can't have an extra cock or something.

He can act

Have you seen Biutiful? No, me neither. Um... ooh, have you seen No Country For Old Men? He's good in that. And he could have a crazy haircut and everything.

In the meantime, crank up your excitotron another notch, because it's just...

Bond 23: Rumour Control

Since the 23rd James Bond film was announced in January, the 007 rumour mill has gone into overdrive, or whatever it is rumour mills do when they're milling more rumours than usual. Most of them concern the casting of the villain (or villains), and while some may well come to pass, others I can only hope are little more than the brainfarts of a bored journalist playing make believe.

I tried to contact EON Productions to confirm the veracity or otherwise of these rumours but it's impossible to find any contact details for them on the internet, so basically I've made it up. If Barbara Broccoli is reading, can you email me your phone number please Babs? Cheers love.

So without further ado, let's play "Truth Or Rumour?", or "Trumour?" as I'll call it for space-saving reasons. Not that I've actually saved any space because I've had to explain the contraction. Balls.

Javier Bardem will play a bad guy

Deadline.com reported at the end of January that manly Spanish man Javier Bardem had been offered a part in the film as the latest diabolical mastermind to fail to kill Bond. Barders himself told the LA Times that he was considering the role but hadn't yet read the script. Over a month later we still don't know any more. That script must be incredibly long.

Trumour? Well it's obviously true that he's been offered the part, but that's all we know for sure. I hope he takes it because I've written an entire post about how good he'll be.

Ralph Fiennes will play a bad guy

"Ralph Fiennes to be shaken, not stirred?" squawked The Daily Mail's Baz Bamigboye unoriginally and nonsensically last month in one of those tedious "I can exclusively reveal" stories that usually means nobody else would touch it with a shitty stick. Bazzer claims his source - "a film executive in Los Angeles connected to the production", which is about as vague as it gets - told him (exclusively, obv) that "discussions" have taken place between Fiennes' people and EON.

Trumour? Unlikely if you ask me, which you do by virtue of reading this far. Nobody else has corroborated this, Fiennes hasn't said anything about it and anyway, hasn't he had enough of being the bad guy in a multi-squillion-dollar franchise? If it turns out to be true, the first person to use the word "Vold-finger" gets a laser twixt their Jacobs.

Rachel Weisz will play a bad guy, oh and

the film will be called Red Sky At Night

A hilarious article in The Sun "revealed" on January 20th (nearly a year after it originated at cinemablend.com) that "producers are desperate to sign [Weisz] to play the spy's arch enemy [...] An insider said: 'Casting Rachel was going to be a surprise twist as everyone would assume she'd be a Bond girl when really she would play a villain. But the fly in the ointment is that [she and Daniel Craig] are now dating.'" I might be tempted to argue that the real fly in the ointment is that you just told a tabloid journalist the twist, you galloping buffoon.

The Sun also reported that "the film is tipped to be called Red Sky At Night". A little digging revealed that this hot tip was found on a Bond fansite forum in a post by someone claiming to be a friend of an unnamed art director who'd seen the script. Tenuous much?

Trumour? The Weisz story, soon to celebrate its first birthday, still hasn't been confirmed: make of that what you will. I make of it that The Sun needed to fulfil their Hollywood Totty Tittle Tattle quota for the day. As for the title, a friend of mine whose dog's vet's brother's lover's gynaecologist once had his hand up Dame Judi's Dench told me it would definitely be called Blood And Thunder. We shall see.

Roger Deakins will be Director of Photography

In an interview with collider.com, Deakins revealed that he'll "probably do a film with Sam Mendes next". When asked if that would be Bond 23, he replied "It might, yeah". DON'T TEASE US DEAKINS!

Trumour? That "maybe" comes straight from the horse's speech-hole, so don't underestimate its truthery. Bond directors tend to take on a DoP they know and trust, and Mendes and Deakins previously worked on Revolutionary Road and Jarhead, so they've got form. I'm praying to Cubby Broccoli for this to be true.

Anthony Hopkins will play a bad guy

Remember Batman & Robin, with its forty-six villains? The success of that film leads me to suspect that not everybody rumoured to play a bad guy in Bond 23 will end up doing so. That, and the fact that this one also comes from The Sun, which says that the former proud Welshman and massive ham is "close to signing a deal". This is, of course, according to a suitably vague and probably non-existent "source".

Trumour? About as likely as Sean Connery playing the Bond girl. At least I hope so. Either eventuality would be horrific.

Daniel Craig will wear a dress

Don't be ridiculous. The day Daniel Craig appears as Bond in drag is the day they devote an entire 24 hours to all the ladies of the world.

What?



Oh.