The Empire Magazine / Big Screen Press Launch As Seen Through The Lens Of A Nokia 6170 Mobile Phone

If you were ever in any doubt as to just how ramshackle and technologically retarded this blog is, this post will be the one to make it all painfully clear. It's ostensibly about the press launch of Empire Magazine's Big Screen event, which takes place at London's O2 on the weekend of August 12th-14th. The press launch was an event in itself - one worth documenting and illustrating with photographic evidence, which anyone with a decent phone can obtain these days.

Sadly I lost my decent phone a few weeks ago, and am currently attempting to get by with my prehistoric Nokia 6170, which has a malfunctioning volume control, is held together with gaffer tape and takes photos at a resolution of approximately 7 x 5 pixels. I hate it.

Not only does it take rubbish photos but those photos are then, hilariously, impossible to transfer onto any other device. I spent about 90 minutes trying before giving up, tears streaming down my face, a broken shell of my former self.

So this post is illustrated with photos I took by pointing a proper camera at the photos on my phone. They're so absolutely, unbelievably shit that they need labelling in order to ascertain their contents, but I reckon I can get away with it as some sort of artistic statement. I'm thinking something along the lines of "IT'S TIME FOR AN iPHONE".

Anyway. Last week I received an invitation to the press launch of Big Screen - a rebooted, flashy sequel to Empire's Movie Con events about which I babbled / at / length for three days last year.

I ummed and aahed about whether or not to take a day off work to attend the press launch, until my eyes fell upon the following words in the invitation:

Now I don't think I can be the only one in whose mind that particular arrangement of words congealed with considerable alacrity to form this image:

No further deliberation was required, so yesterday I donned my Brioni three-piece suit, Turnbull & Asser tie and Speedo junior armbands and popped to the London Film Museum, looking forward to leaving it even more than I did the time I actually paid money to wander round it.

Before long a lady waving a Big Screen press release led us to a waiting boat for the ride of a lifetime.

Much to my dismay we did not launch dramatically from the side of a building, nor did we execute a mid-air barrel roll, and nor did we at any point go underwater in order for me to straighten my tie. We did, however, get free champagne, so it wasn't all awful.

On the boat I had the pleasure of meeting Empire News Editor and Big Screen host Chris Hewitt. I asked him to say "cheese" but he seemed confused by my request and just stared at me with his mouth open so I took his photo anyway.

Eventually The O2 hove into view and we left the boat, which disappointingly did not explode in a massive fireball just after we got off. To make up for it though, we were greeted by these guys, who I'm sure count as public sector employees what with working for the Empire (zing) and all, so I'm not sure why they weren't on strike like all the others.

We were then forced to drink free wine and eat ham and cheese and fishcakes and cheesecake in a restaurant with chandeliers while a man told us all about Big Screen, which was a good job because by this point I was having so much fun I'd forgotten why I was there.

The main thrust of it seemed to be that Big Screen is going to be properly amazing. I was planning to tell you all about it but I got a bit sidetracked what with the excitement of the press launch and all. Everything you need to know is here anyway.