Made Up Reviews 3: The Made Uppening

Having seen nothing that's out this week, nor particularly wanting to, I decided it was time to bring back the feature they're all calling "what feature?", but which I prefer to call "filler for when there's not much going on". So hold on to your reproductive organs, it's Made Up Reviews time!

Beginners is the first part of a trilogy starring Ewan McGregor as a man who can't stop exposing his penis in films. He meets a kindly old man who tells him how he used to have the same problem until his protruding todger was whipped off by an over-enthusiastic clapper loader, and Ewan begins to learn to keep himself to himself. The sequels, Novices and Advanceds will be released in 2012 and 2013 respectively. It's rubbish.

The Big Picture is a French film starring that French actor as a private detective who is hired to discover the whereabouts of a stolen, life-size painting of the Eiffel Tower. He visits most of Europe looking for it but to no avail. Eventually he is stabbed to death by a mime artist in Paris, who then reveals - via the medium of mime - that the big picture was wrapped around the real Eiffel Tower all along. It's rubbish.

Cars 2 is the Pixar sequel nobody asked for, in which the original cast of anthropomorphised vehicles return to sit around and discuss the sequels they'd rather see Pixar make. Lightning McQueen is all for The Incredibles 2, new character Finn McMissile doesn't care what they make as long as he gets paid, while Mater would like to see Toy Story 3. It turns out he's so thick he didn't realise it had already been made! Stupid Mater. It's rubbish.

One Life, starring Daniel Craig, is the new James Bond film. It's an unexpected sequel to You Only Live Twice, in which the modern, more realistic Bond sets out to prove that you do in fact only have one life, and not two at all, by killing everyone and seeing if any of them come back to life. Just when he thinks he's the last person alive, Sean Connery appears as Bond's father and trousers a massive paycheck. It's rubbish.

Horrible Bosses is a fictionalised account of the executives of an international news corporation who systematically bully their staff into performing all sorts of illegal naughtiness in order to get a scoop. Only one man, the film reviewer on the corporation's best-selling newspaper, refuses to play ball and fights for justice the only way he knows how: WITH HIS WORDS. Eventually he brings the corporation down with a series of puns which cause the horrible bosses to groan themselves to death. Starring Jason Statham as "Bobby Collins". Horrible? It deserves 127!