Thursday, 5 August 2010

And You Thought ShortList's Captions Were Bad

Free weekly rag ShortList, designed to pass exactly twenty minutes of the average citygoer's commute on a Thursday morning, is renowned for two things: inexplicably continuing to employ Danny Wallace, and captioning their photos with some of the worst "jokes" of all time. I won't pain you with examples save for one this week where a dramatic picture of the China oil spill fire (in which at least one person was killed and nearly 200 square miles of ocean became polluted) was tastefully captioned with the gag "I told them they shouldn't have cremated Higgins".

Its sister magazine Stylist, aimed squarely at the ladyperson end of the market, however, trumped its big brother this week in a Knight & Day wraparound which boasts some of the most awful captions ever printed.

They range from the mundanely informative:

Through the excruciatingly unfunny:

To the downright unfathomable:

In a bizarre twist, an almost identical piece of marketing fluff accompanies this week's ShortList, but the regular caption writer seems to have been given the day off, and instead somebody has helpfully annotated the pictures with the obvious ("Tom Cruise plays action man Roy Miller") and the unlikely ("The film is 'the perfect mix of adrenaline-fuelled action and quick-fire comedy'").

Sorry guys, the poster quotes have already been decided.

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  1. Cameron Diaz is a keen surfer - caption make sense now?

  2. So, if we all surfed a bit more, we too could star in a crap film? Or throw a punch at Tom Cruise? Or stick one leg in a pot of boiling water?

    Or look like Cameron Diaz, because that's what all women should aspire to and if they don't they're a failure?

  3. Yes, the "failure" thing.

  4. It is not unfathomable. Romance next to a cauldron of CO2 dry ice can lead, if careless, to frozen assets that could even snap off. That is why for health and safety reasons it is better for a Hollywood star to surf than cruise on the beach. I'm thinking that may be a typo and should be serf, you know, when bored stars chase commoners, trailer trash and peasants in what they call serfing.

  5. Oh, god, I can't even groan, that is so goddamn lame. It makes me angry.