Wednesday 3 August 2011

Die Hard 5 Director Shortlist Not As Short As Originally Hoped

The internet exploded like a skyscraper full of C4 yesterday when a list of potential directors for the fivequel LITERALLY NOBODY asked for was leaked online. It did, honest.
The tediously predictable names of bog-standard action directors John Moore and Justin Lin sat uncomfortably alongside indie weirdo Nicolas Winding Refn and new kid on the Block Joe Cornish, causing web forums worldwide to go "ooh", "oh", "ah" and "eh?".

But in a further twist, it turns out that this was merely the torn-off top of a list of ten potential directors, and in an unlikely and quite possibly fictional turn of events, the bottom part found its way into The Incredible Suit's inbox, along with an invitation to host the Oscars and a baby unicorn. Each choice came with a brief synopsis of the director's approach, and I could hardly keep this shit to myself, so here goes:

Choice #5:
Woody Allen
Woody Allen (75) recasts himself as John McClane, who worries incessantly about all the damage he's caused to various buildings over the years. He's comforted by his daughter Lucy, also recast - she'll be played by Super 8's Elle Fanning (13). Eventually McClane and his daughter fall in love and marry, which may prove controversial but as it's a new Woody Allen film nobody will be offended because nobody will see it.

Choice #6:
Michael Moore
Moore makes the startling revelation that not only have all the Die Hard films been documentaries, but that Hans Gruber was also behind the global economic crisis, the melting of the polar ice caps, the continued presidency of George W Bush and the casting of Shia Labeouf in Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull. In this shocking exposé, Moore challenges Gruber's decomposed corpse to refute his claims, borrowing Bruce Willis' smug smirk when the rotten cadaver fails to respond.

Choice #7:
Terrence Malick
Malick's entry in the franchise is a lyrical piece, devoid of traditional narrative structure but instead focusing on the universal themes inherent in the series. We see John McClane's childhood in a sun-dappled 1950s, and witness his overbearing father taking him to see Roy Rogers films if he cleans his room. Cutting back and forth between McClane's youth and adulthood, we slowly begin to realizzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Choice #8:
Mike Leigh
While on holiday at a B&B in London's east end, John McClane overhears a local chip van owner discussing his plans to steal the patch belonging to a rival who owns a much more successful burger van. McClane blows the chip van up, only to discover that the two van owners were long lost brothers. The burger van owner reveals his name to be Van Gruber, an anagram of burger van and yet another Gruber brother, and swears vengeance on McClane. Then there's a fight in an allotment or something.

Choice #9:
Nick Park
In Nick Park's wacky claymation version of Die Hard 5, John McClane and his faithful puppy Argyle find themselves facing the terror of Mr Fluffy, an evil genius kitten intent on breeding a race of supermice to take over the world. McClane falls in love with Mr Fluffy's owner and bimbles about like a twit while Argyle saves the world by listening to Run DMC.

Choice #10:
Alan Smithee
Die Hard 5 turns out to be an utter pile of shit and the notorious pseudonym of Alan Smithee is slapped all over the credits so that nobody will find out that it was in fact directed by Brett Ratner.


  1. For once The Incredible Suit is mistaken. Shooting of 'Die Hard in Valhalla' has already begun with a return to form Ken Russel. The film is a thinly disguised version of Wagner's Ring with Celine Dion as Brunnhilde and Liam Nesson as Wotan. There is plenty of sex and nudity in the run up to the famous destruction of everything. Celine had to fatten up for the part. Remember it isn't over till the fat lady sings.

  2. By the way, other Die Hard titles and other directors beside Ken Russell were considered. Here is the rest of the short list.
    Die Hard on the Dance Floor directed by Baz Lurhman.
    Quentin Tarantino offered Die Hard in a Resevoir full of Pulp and Dogs Blood.
    Die Hard in Alien Space could have been directed by Ridley Scott.
    Die Hard in the Biggest Budget CGI Movie Ever has of course been suggested by James Cameron.
    The director who can shoot faster than any other in Hollywood and be on the golf course by lunch time is Clint Eastwood. He was considered for Die Hard in Take One.
    Martin Scorsese was thinking of directing Die Hard like a Goodfella.

  3. Lee Tamahori who said ""Sex should not be in the movies and should be in the home, and violence should be in the movies and not in the home." and directed Die Another Day could direct a movie in which Pierce Brosnan and Bruce Willis join forces in a Bond-McLane movie trying to get their hands on Hans Gruber. It would be called 'Die Hard Another Day'

  4. Live Free or Die Hard was a piece of shit. And the blame to that goes to both FOX and Bruce Willis.

    There's no doubt in my mind that they don't have the slightest intention to create an honest sequel to the great trilogy, but Live Free or Die Hard 2. Who knows, maybe they'll get it to be "PG" this time.